The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
O.K. this is just crazy......I've been with my boyfriend for 7 years now and we have had every problem there is as a result of his drinking. The thing is that when we would go out together we would have a lot of fun. Our problems are when he would go drink on his own with his friends (without me). Some things that have happend as a result of drinking: 2 DUI's, fleeing police officers, fighting with other guys, domestic violence, holes in walls, wrecked cars, infidelity. He's "trying" again and actually hasn't drank in over a month which is a record for him. The problem is that we're sitting home on a weekend and "I" start getting ansy, wishing I was able to go out, have a couple drinks, have fun with my friends. "WHAT's WRONG WITH ME"......I'm not the one with the problem (or so I thought). I actually felt like I was having some of withdrawls...even having thoughts like "if I wasn't with him I could be out having fun....and at that point I don't think I even liked him". so here he is doing what I've hoped he would do, trying to be a better man and I'm sitting there thinking "I" need a drink. I know we should try to come up with "sober" things to do on the weekends but I guess habits die hard. Has anyone else had this experience? and what did you do? do I need to go to AA meetings or something??
As my A reminds me, it's his problem not mine. So if I want to have a glass of wine to do it. I've never been comfortable bringing it into the house, just yet. Perhaps when he hits his one year mark. As for us going out, we were never into going out much. Gave that up years ago after college and even then, it wasn't our thing.
I do attend AA meetings with my hubby. It's a way of us bonding with his recovery and mine. It also gives me a perspective from his side that has helped me understand addiction.
Remember his recovery has to be about him. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if chooses to stay sober or not. The dynamics of a sober relationship are different from that an active relationship. I urge you to attend some f2f meetings.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Welcome to MIP. Like Karilynn says... what you do really can't start or stop him from drinking...
My thoughts on it are this... I drank (partied) quite a bit back in my high school and college days. I would go dancing and drinking with my wife when we were younger, and really only quit when her drinking got out of control.
It could have saved my life. You asked if you should go to AA because you miss going out? Maybe have a little withdrawl? Well I can't answer that question for you. But AA and Alanon have one big thing in common... they are both programs of brutal self honesty. The program and the steps are designed to cut through the fantasies and the excusses and help you decide what is real... and what is not. Then you can make decissions about what is the right next thing to do.
Of course there is a whole lot more to it, but for me that is what it boils down to. What is mine to own, what is my part in the chaos in my life, what are my honest feelings about a situation... where does my responsability for others stop?
If you give this program an honest try, your life can be better. You can (and deserve) a happy life weather your boyfriend stays sober or not. It's all up to you.
I am glad you have reached out, and I hope you will stick around. The people here are wonderful, and know where you have been, and how you feel.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I think you said it in your post.."You should be finding sober things to do"
I don't mean just because of his soberness, I mean to guide the relationship in a different direction, rather then both of you thinking you are missing something or experiencing lack.
Of course you both need to work your own programs or deal with soberness however works...but that doesn't mean life stops.
There's plenty to do out there. If you both start out by just sitting every weekend and thinking life is over w/o alcohol and there is no more fun or joy ...then that's what you will find.
enjoy eachother, Christy
__________________
If we think that miracles are normal, we will expect them. And expecting a miracle is the surest way to get one.
When my AH got sober, I had the same problem. My IC pointed out that I could be addicted to the adreneline or the energy of the bar and drinking. I think that I did go through some "withdrawal" from that scene, afterall, we had "lived" at our hangout for years and all of our friends were bar friends. I was very resentful at first that he had a brand new bunch of friends from rehab and his AA meetings and it felt like I was left behind and all alone. It took time, but I "detoxed" from the bar scene and began cultivating a sober life--like I had said that I wanted all along.
As for needing to go to AA--only you can decide if you have a problem. I would encourage you to go to AA meetings to understand what he is going through and you might learn something about your own situation as well. I made the decision to stop drinking about 9 months after my AH got sober because I realized that I drinking for all the wrong reasons and it was standing in the way of my efforts to build the kind of life I wanted to live.
Just my E, S and Hope. Take what you liked and leave the rest, and keep coming back!!
-- Edited by SLS at 00:54, 2007-04-17
__________________
Do not be anxious about tomorrow; tomorrow will look after itself. The Bible, from Courage to Change, p.138
Thanks for all your advice. I have started on the road to my own recovery. I'm almost finished with "Codependent no more", seeing a therapist once a week and we've been attending church (which is a major deal! for him). I have lived for years with everything being about him and after reading "codependent no more" I realized what I was doing.....so this recovery is mine.....because no matter what he decides to do I need to get myself healthy. My counselor says that I will get in a state of readiness....either I will weather through "the chaos he puts me through" or I will be strong enough to make him leave (and stick to it). I've kicked him out ......oh.....like 1,000 times and taken him back. I think I will see about attending alanon classes. I'm going to stay on this board...it's nice to talk to others who have gone through the same thing. Being with a AH has made me feel like I'm alone, crazy and that no one can possible understand what I've gone through for the last 7 years.
and taken him back. I think I will see about attending alanon classes. I'm going to stay on this board...it's nice to talk to others who have gone through the same thing. Being with a AH has made me feel like I'm alone, crazy and that no one can possible understand what I've gone through for the last 7 years.