The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It's been a bad week. Started last Sunday with the easter thing and I just couldn't seem to get out of my head. I went to my meetings, came here, talked to people and tried to use my tools. No, I did use my tools. But these feelings I have to work through. I put a purchase offer in on a house and I let it go. The outcome I mean. If it was accepted great, if not, well, than it wasn't meant to be. It was accepted. I am so scared. It is the best thing for me and the kids as I will own the house outright, no morgage. Still, it's all up to me at this point. No one else to blame if I fail, no one to bail me out if I find myself in over my head, no one to bounce things/ideas off of. Just me. Funny that it's the same with raising these 3 kids by myself but that thought doesn't scare me as much as owning a home. I mean I am excited. It is what I want. I am worthy and competent (can't spell worth a damn though). And on top of that I kinda told off my landlady today. I am in such a sad space in my head and she called AGAIN and left a message "JUst want to know what your plans are because I have this that and the other going on....". It's a small town and obviously she and my real estate agent are friends so she calls everytime I think about another house. I can't stand her. I swear she is Boarderline Personality Disorder. Leave it to me to find a psyco landlady that is all about herself, a lawyer who is such an alcoholic he can't even return my calls and when he does has every excuse in the book (like I care if his process server is having a bad day! My father died, my AH tried to kill me and my 12 year old has resorted to cutting herself!) AAHHGGG why must I continue to surround myself with these people. But I have to say that I didn't attract those 2. I picked the lawyer out of the phone book and the landlady was strickly chance.
Anyway, all of this happened right after I had my hysterical,crying,curled up in the fetal postion nervous breakdown. I was hating God. And I told Him. It was really triggered by me reading the latest email my ex sent to my middle daughter. It didn't say anything wrong at all. Just that he was trying to work out seeing them with me and he loves them and yada. That he still lives here in town and has a car. This is what set me off. I have had NO support money from him. Plus he owes me money from me paying his rent. And now he has some skank taking care of him and he's set. Totally enabled. And she's in AA (newly sober, just like him) I hate him and I was so mad at God for giving him someone and not me. After all I have put up with his crap for the past 13 years. I stuck by him thru drug abuse, physical abuse, Affairs, all of the insanity that we all put up with. THIS IS NOT FAIR!!!!!! What do I get? Where is my love? And here I was willing to give him another chance Ok y'all know that's not true but still! I might have if he'd been willing to give me all the time in the world. But no, it has to happen on his time schedual. He has never given me the time I needed. Move back in or we can't work on our marriage anymore.....ok....and I did. I am just mad mad mad. How does he get what he gets despite the fact that he is a total and complete horrifying person. He has no redeeming qualities. All he gave me are 3 beautiful kids but because they are his, they have this disease. Because of him. I hate him. OK this is me freakin out. Still I have the hardest time knowing that he is involved with someone new. He knows better. He's worked this program for years and judged everyone else who has jumped into a relationship in their first year. But now it's OK for him to do it? That's the part that is killing me. Honestly, I could lose him to drugs and keep my serenity but losing him as a friend and a father to our kids to another woman is what really really gets to me. Obviously. Always has too. I almost didn't survive the affairs he had. There, now you all know that I am sick, and immature and scared. And I can't spell.
I realize I am responsible for making myself crazy. I know I have the choice to change. I've also been off of work all week because of school vacation so I am off my schedual (lol). I am really mad and hurt and I can't talk to him about it and that makes me madder. But God sent me a house. I asked for a distraction and God showed me my 12 year old and made me focu on her issues rather than my own. Then I ask for love and God sent me a house. HHHMMMmm maybe I need to be more specific? LOL I am so kidding!!!
It's my opinion that our HP does hear our prayers... and helps us to find "oportunities" for growth. Might not be what we had in mind, but he/she is there with us to help us through.
You, like many others, have had more than your share of oportunities. But, with all that, you are still here... you made it! You are about to start a wonderful adventure with your new home. Congratulations!
Hang in there!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I can hear the chaos swirling in your post. I know what that is like. Just do your best to take one thing at a time, recognize what you have control over and what you don't. Have faith and count your blessings. Don't forget to breathe! This too shall pass.
As you go thru your day, stop and ask yourself, why am I doing this? Why am I thinking about this? What is this getting me other than an ulcer and a migrane?
So you are tempted to read your daughter's email from him, ask yourself WHY??? can you change it? Is there anything in there that will help you with anything? So you may just find out one more little nugget of information that will piss you off for the rest of the day -- is it worth it?
You are so bent on the "unfairness" of it all that you are totally missing the wonderful things going on in your life at this moment. Life isn't fair...that sucks. He may be so blissfully happy that it make you want to puke, but you can't let that ruin your life. You have a life. One that is so full and worth living. You are deserving and you know it. You are allowing him to steal your peace of mind, your happiness and your joy. You are about to become a home owner...not only that, one of the few homeowners in American that DON"T have a 30 yr mortgage. Girl you need to be celebrating....there are those who want to celebrate with you.
So you want to go and "talk" with your A, bounce things off of him, get ideas or just speak it a loud to see if all this makes sense and he's not there. Tell me is that anything new? Has he been your stable rock to lean on in the past, the one who has been there??? You have to go to those who are going to give you what you need, those who will be your rock.
I wish I could make this easier for you, only you can do it, and you know it. You have been in this program long enough, you continually say, I know my tools etc. It's hard, but no one can work your program for you. You are strong enough, you can have all those things you desire. So much in life isn't fair....you have to look beyond that.
My heart truly goes out to you. I know it hurts like heck. It's good for you to get it all out in here. There are those of us who understand, who understand the hurt, the hate at times, the anger and the emotions that make you physically sick. Keep coming, keep posting. It helps to get all those toxins out of your body.
yours in recovery, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
Hey, gal, buying a house as a single parent with 3 kids is enough to drive you bonkers. I know because I did it. I went over my head with the knowledge that I was doing that. Otherwise, I would have been stuck in apartments and continually moving because the neighborhoods were going down so fast.
Guess What????? It worked out. Easy - no - but then, what is easy. I had satisfaction and a good feeling for buying that house on my own and figuring out how to keep it going. My HP was guiding me all the way.
Life isn't always fair, I know that firsthand. The slogans have helped me a lot - keep it simple - this too shall pass - live and let live -
if my name isn't on it, it's not mine - that's the one that helped me know what was mine and what wasn't mine.
Please take care of yourself - yes, there is stress and confusion - that's why you must take care of yourself for you and your children.
