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((Friends)) Yesterday was one of the worst days in my life. I was woken up by my AH banging on the door at 4 a.m mad as a hornet because he and his best friend had been fighting. He went to the bathroom and I could hear aluminum foil wrestling around, he was clearly intoxicated. I layed down and he left the room and took my car keys and went out the door. I ran to the back porch but he had already driven away, but not before side swiping a corvette parked next to us, and running over a curb. My neighbor ran out too, she saw the whole thing. I was so afraid because obviously he couldn't drive. I phoned his best friend who said he had his car, figured that where he was going. When he got to his friends house his friend told me he was calling the police otherwise he'd probably beat his butt. I called the police too and gave them the address of where he was, let them know he was intoxicated, and hit a parked car in our complex. My AH took off from his friends before the police arrived. My AH had called me and I let him know he hit a car and to stay where he was. He was scared he figured the police would be out, so he just left. The police came to my house, we assessed the damage 1100.00 to a Corvette !! (Thanks honey). We attempted to get AH to come home and he would only be given a citation for leaving the accident. I couldn't believe it!! They couldn't charge him with DUI or reckless driving because they couldn't prove he was drunk at 4 am. Well, he didn't make it home before the police left. Still the officer said when your husband comes home call me and I'll come over and have him sign the citation. I had called my MIL prior to the police showing up to get my kids if necessary, and his best friend came over too.
Once I took MIL home, I got a call from a tire place in town that my AH had somehow ended up there. They said there was damage to my car and one of my tires was shredded. They said it looks like your husband is messed up so I'm sending one of my guys to take him home. He came home looking like hell, I was told by his friend that he was drinking heavily that night, smoking marijuana and taking Klonipin like it was candy. He apparantly made a deal with one of the bass players to sell the Klonipin to other people. He was obliterated, scared to go jail. I called the officer and had him come over in the meantime my AH is going on about you need to divorce me because I'll alway f*#@! up. Finally MIL and I got to my car, the entire passenger side is demolished, she and I saw some damage around the corner of my house, could be AH's doing just don't know. He says he hit a curb with a tree, doesn't look like it.
He slept the entire day, but not before raiding the kids piggy bank to get more beer. How crazy is that. Had the car assessed by a body shop looks like 2500-3500 worth of damage. I have a thousand dollar deductible. Not sure how I'll get this fixed. I let my AH know that when he sobered up he'd need to leave, find a detox center something. This is it for me. He needs help, if he doesn't want help he can't be around us anymore. In one night he has managed to destroy so much. He doesn't get it, no remorse, only worried about his friend not being around. Not sure how I'm going to financially make it, its impossible without a second income, maybe renting my place and finding a smaller apartment. With all the bills I have plus daycare I think I'm sunk. Any ESH on what alternatives there are to financially make it?
Emotionally I'm numb right now, had a good cry yesterday, but overall I'm just numb. I knew something like this was possible just happened when I had no financial back up, no nothing.
Thanks for listening. Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Hugs, I just read your post, what a night omg.I'm sorry to hear your hub caused so much damage last night and trouble.Sounds like he really needs a program badly, I think you are doing right by telling him he needs to leave and get into a detox or rehab before he kills somebody or hurts some innocent person badly.Good luck, i'll be thinking of you ......
Good for you for setting some boundaries - you need to protect yourself from this. Hold firm, take care of yourself - this may be the wakeup call he needs.
I don't have a lot of personal experience with what to do on the financial side, but I would say that this is not a time to let false pride hold you back from what is best for you and the kids. If help is offered, take it. Use social services, do what you have to do. I know that here, subsidy is available for daycare if your income is below a certain amount; maybe with him gone, you qualify.
As much as you can while still keeping your own life intact, try not to pay for his end of things - the damage to the corvette, say. This might not be possible the way your insurance is set up, but you may be able to explain things to your insurance agent and work something out. I know that once a drunk acquaintance of my husband's did some damage to our car. He was driving his girlfriend's car, and didn't have insurance of his own. Her insurance wouldn't pay, even though it was her car, because she wasn't driving.
My AH was in a similar situation on Dec. 30th. He hit another car and totalled his; left the scene, doesn't remember a thing. The police did find and arrest him for DUI. After spending New Years in the state adult correctional institute, he was ready for long term rehab. Financially, we're a disaster - retirement and savings all gone, house on the market for six months, and no bites yet.
Keep thinking of you and the kids. Not sure of your financial situation, but if your kids are under 5, you may be elgible for WIC. With milk prices rising again, that's saved me a bundle. It's income-based, not asset based. Same with the free lunch programs at public schools. My older two both get free lunch every day. We're also applying for the state's medical insurance program. We were on it in one state, then moved. (The kids and I left him and moved in with my mother...) Even if you're working and have coverage through your employer, they may help you pay the premiums. Again, from the states I've seen, it's income-based not asset based.
You and your kids are in my prayers. Keep coming back.
First off, I would like to send you (((((HUGS))))). I agree with Lin that if you qualify--social services is a great place to start looking for help--daycare assistance, foodstamps, HUD assistance for housing, may all be options. I also agree that if you can--let AH pay for the damages he incurred. It may help during this time--when it would be easy to be overwhelmed--first things first.
I have no personal experience with this type behavior, but I am sure of one thing: He would have to go! For good! Take care of you and kids, and get yourselves a better life. Welfare and food stamps is better than this!!!!!!!!!!
With great concern, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I'm so sorry you are dealing with somethign like this. It's great that you are able to set a boundary. I can totally understand your worry about making it on a single income. When I have a dilemma liek this I do what I read many years ago in Ann Landers or Der Abby. Make a list with two columns. honestly write what woudl be GOOD for you ion one side and what is BAD for your life on the ohter. That makes it pretty clear what you need to do.
I have a quote that gets me thru tough times..If GOD leads me to is, HE will lead me through it.
Yes Afglin, that is a great little tidbit, thanks for that.
Twinmom, I know we share ESH here, and once in a while ESH includes advice . . . for me, I have no little kids to be torn up in the chaos anymore. But when I did, it was a whole different story. I left my FIRST AH when my daughter was three and my son unborn, blew out of state and returned to my parent's home, went on welfare, WIC, foodstamps and even went to college to get my RN. IMHO, when children are involved, because they are helpless to put up with their parent's chaos, the advice is pretty black and white.
Their safety and emotional well being comes before my own yearnings and fears. It is not a hard decision to make unless your "self" is in the way. Please take care and consider the others in your exact situation who have walked this path before you.
Oh no! I'm so sorry this has happened to you! I don't have any advice, (I live in Canada) but just wanted you to know that you will be in my Prayers, with Love, TLC
My prayers are with you. The A I lived with did similar damage to the truck in November. He crushed the entire passenger side. Since then he's got two speeding tickets. He's paid neither of them. He still manages to drive although I think his days are numbered.
I do know the reckless driving was and is still one of the last straws for me. I don't know the mindset because I have not been there but I think its one of total rage, frustration and self destruction. I think its also a cry for help. They can't stop and they don't know how so they put themselves in places where they have to.
You will know I left the A and I did it without much financial support. I borrowed money, I pray, I set goals. I come up with alternatives.
I know living without him is very very difficult. Personally for me living with him is harder. The chaos, the lies the self destruction are overwheming.
I also know the sinking feeling I had when I discovered the truck was damaged. He took off for a few days in his own self absorption. He lives there 24/7. I was absolutely devastated. I have been in devastation a long time.
I think you have done all you can for the A personally. I also know how very very hard it is to shut the door. I am there but I had to be absolutely devastated to be there. I am on rebuild now. I can say there are times when I am full of fear and that seems crazy because I did not feel the fear living with someone who acted out 24/7 all the time.
I also know for me seeing the reckless driving made me see him as "sick" and incapable of changing without help. The A I lived with doesn't want help yet. He may never want it. He's too busy accusing everyone including me of not being there for him. He's also too self absorbed in god knows what. He's eithe raging or sulking.
I also understand deeply and clearly how devastating it is to see them without remorse. They have no clue what it is they have done just the deisre to obliterate everything with some substance. That for me was also a turning point. He can't stop. He wont' stop and I can't stop him. I can of course get out of the way and that is what I did. It hurt desperately I tread difficult ground but I also am out of the way.
I used to work at an auto body shop and that's REALLY good for a corvette with the fiberglass, consider yourself lucky because if you hit them in the right spot, they are history. I'm with you, that's my favorite car and he would be sleeping in the salvation army with my car key shoved up his rear end. lol I know by the tone in your voice that you KNOW what you need to do, now you just need to do it. Make your plan and kick it into gear. We are all here for you. Some of us have been right where you are sweetie. Don't be ashamed, staying in it is more embarrassing to ourselves. Love ya girl.
Hello Twinmom(((twinmom)))I am so sorry that so much chaos and heartache in your life right now.Deep breath.....You don't have to make any rash decisions.That said you asked for financial ESHWhat I did when I executed my plan BI applied for and got credit cards. ALOT of them. I took the credit card checks they sent and paid for a lawyer.I took a second job waitressing.I went to my family, told them my situation and took "loans" from them.There is help available if you are ready to reach outIn supportMegan
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Megan
If you want things you never had you need to do things you have never done
I'm so sorry that you had so much hassle. I know its no comfort to you but he could have hit somebody. I think you are doing the right thing by setting some boundaries, at least this might lessen the anxieties surrounding all this, I hope everything will be ok.
I am so sorry you are having to go through this!! You are showing much courage and strength though in spite of it all! Finances--I hate money!!!!! It seems there is never enough. I agree that social services may be a good place to start. I don't know what your work schedule is like, I know it must already be tough to find enough hours in your day to work and take care of your house and the kids, but maybe something like cleaning houses on the side. Money is tight here as well--so I am trying to teach summer school and taking on a sponsorhip of a club that involves a stipend--just trying to find anything that might bring in a little. Do you have anything that might earn you some money at a resale shop--this isn't a long term solution I know, but it might get one or two bills paid.
Again I am sorry for this difficult time! It sounds like you have some good boudaries set. I wish you all the best. I will continue to think of you and your family and pray for you.
If the insurance co. totals the car, consider taking their offer and getting a cheaper car - right now, you just need something that drives.
You said "my place" - does that mean the house is in your name? If yes, and if you have enough equity, it might be worth it to sell it and buy a smaller & cheaper place - as a rule, rent doesn't save you money over time.
ppl at Consumer Credit Counseling, if you haven't been there yet, are often able to consolidate bills and get one low interest rate for you.
And as others have said - help is help. It doesn't mean you're a scumbag, or a drain on society, it means that right now you're in an especially rotten situation and you need help. Part of my recovery has been (and continues to be) learning that to be healthy, I need to be willing not only to offer help, but to accept it. Someday you'll be able to help somebody else.
And if he's not out of the house yet - why wait till he's sober? You might even decide it's worth taxi fare to get him to a detox.
