Al-anon does not offer advice or tell another person what to do. We just offer our experience, strengh and hope (e,s & h). However in the event that someone is living in a potentally violent situaltion where physical and mental abuse is going on, it is appropriate for al-anon's to say get out and get safe. That doesn't mean that a decision about the relationship has to be made at that time. It just means that you need to be physically safe, and your children if you have them. This post is in relation to this topic.

Some of you may remember that I posted about a month back about a controlling person in my life, the A. I had walked out after not being "allowed" to go to al-anon, to get my 15 year coin. I had only been married for 8 months to this jerk, and he was not going to steal my serenity!

I felt so trapped, I can not tell you. I was told by a sheriff's deputy that even though I had asked him to leave (we were living on my mother's farm) and he had not paid rent, and had not worked in two months at the time (now it's going on six) that we could not 'kick' him out of the house because this was his place of residence. I was horrified. My mother who is 84 had just had a light stroke and I could not leave her. So I bid my time.

Time went on. Mom got better and since he was not being physically violent, just emotionally smothering to me, I asked him to leave. He would not 'allow' me to leave. (Held on to me physically and cried don't leave me, we can work things out, yatta yatta...) He physically used his body to block me from going out the door. He also would not allow me to get close to a phone so I could call 911 and ask for help in leaving (I had been told I could do that also.)

Eventually I was able to 'escape' with my daughter and myself, unfortunately leaving my mom behind, but felt secure that he would not hurt her....I filed an ex-parte for emotional and pschological abuse and was granted it. I stayed at a safe house over Easter weekend. It was the most peaceful 3 days I've spent in the last 9 months.

He did move his stuff off the place. He did not bother my mother. He just left with his tail tucked between his legs. It was sad that his co-dependence caused his worst nightmare...to be rejected again. Yet I had to think what was best for me and my family. I got him out. He has left me alone and respected the ex-parte.

I just wanted to share my story because no one should have to live with abuse, mental or physical. It is hard to get out sometimes, or so it seems. But the rewards of living a 'free' life: free of fear, free from harm, free from persecution and condemnation, is well worth the pain. The pain and (for me) humiliation of living in a battered womens shelter, the pain of the embarressment of having one's name in a small town newspaper as having filed an ex-parte. NO one should have to live under the type of oppression I was living with.

If you want to read more...my first post was on March 24 of this year. If you are in a similar situation, don't even wait as long as I did to take action...the consequences could be too great!

With all my al-anon love,

java

-- Edited by java at 03:10, 2007-04-15