The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I don't know what I expected when I decided that I couldn't live with my A b/f upon his release from jail. I know I didn't think it would be easy, but I guess I was hoping it wouldn't be this hard. He is giving me the silent treatment, which in reality is helping me to keep my boundaries.
I guess I am realizing that a dynamic in our relationship has been, I get pissed, kick him out. He gives me the silent treatment, but comes around enough for bogus reasons, that I initiate conversation. I think in at least two of our reconciliations, I actually did the talking for him for us to make up. We have both been living in a fantasy world. I have known for some time now that they are two different fantasies. I also know now to keep quiet with him.
What I am finding hard today, is the realization that I cannot do anything to make him realize how hard this is for me to do. How sad the end is for me. How I wish I could rescue him again, but know that that is impossible. I am intelligent enough to stop banging my head against the wall, now, and try to heal.
I feel numb all over again, just like I felt when he was arrested eight months ago. My insides just want to collapse. I never thought I would live a fairytale life by a long shot. Growing up I was told that "life is hard" and I sadly accepted that, but I don't think I really knew what that meant until right now.
I know down deep that I am doing the right thing for myself and for my daughter. That my grief will pass. I have so much I am truly grateful for. It has just been a really sad day.
Just wanted to send you a quick ((((hug)))). When my partner of 7 years and I broke up--boy, was it TOUGH! What helped me was to accept that my sadness/anger/grief was a natural part of the recovery process--I gave myself permission to cry, to feel anger, to feel longing--I let those feelings weave in and out of my day as they came up--I reassured myself that I did not have to be superwoman--I did not have to prove to ANYONE OR MYSELF that I was recovered by pretending that I was made of TEFLON and that the break-up wasn't bothering me or I wasn't hurting when I very much was. At the same time, I focused on feeling my feelings, I also focused on taking care of myself. You WILL get through this in time. Right now, though, allow yourself to really grieve and follow it up with lots of self-care and nurturing.
I can relate to that numbness (once upon a time). For sooooooooo long it took me to realize that the grief I was experiencing was "letting go of the dream of what my life was suppose to turn out like." My higher power had a different dream in mind.
You are doing so well given your situation. I see so much progress in you each and every day. I'm so glad you post. Keep coming and posting,
love Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
((((((Leetle))))) I'm sorry for your pain - I've been through that too in the past. It does get over - even though it feels like it never will when you're in it. I had to take one step at a time - one hour at a time - one day at a time. Easy does it.
