The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
2 years ago when I first came on board here the A pulled a huge crisis number. he is good at that. He makes a huge crisis then he leaves me with the mess and I am so disorientated by that and desperate I don't get to look at what is going on. This latest crisis with setting up the eviction (after all what else is when he promised to move out then didn't) is different. First of all I have a year and a half of Alanon under my belt, secondly I got totally worn down by the crisis. I started to see how my physical health was affected (of course it always was). I think nevertheless the main thing is that I got willing to not believe the lies. The A lies all the time, about money, about friends, about working, about drug use, about where he is, about everything. I used to accept it now I think I can't deal with it anymore. Even now in the middle of a huge crisis in his life he lies. He is currently saying everything is fine to his family while I say he is in the middle of a crisis and needs help.
Of course I am also aware he also says I am partly to blame for anything and makes me out to be a b-h to others. I probably am. I also am not responsible for his alcohol and drug use.
I used to really want to believe the lies now I can't.
I also dont' want to argue with him about them anymore. I just want to let go and I do better some days and other days I feel totally caught up in what's going to happen next. I remember the first time I was able to detach and hand it over to HP. Some days I do better than others with that. I read on detachment as best I can and am willing but there are days when I am totally fused in with his drama and other days when I can imagine life without him.
I can really relate to your post. The fact that you said you used to really wnat to believe the lies and now you can't.....I got to that point too. I think it was a sign of my progress. I was comming out of denile and seeing the reality of my situation. I know that it may not feel like it but from what you wrote and your previous posts you sound like you are really working this program. What you are going thru stinks but you are handling it! Be kind to yourself. This is a tough situation and when I have/am in these situations with my ex ah I know I am doing the best I can. And I imagine I am doing better than the adverage person would do. Don't you have friends who say "I don't know how you do it/put up with him/ stay with him/etc."They really don't and if they were faced with half of what we have been faced with they would have had a nervous breakdown. HP never gives us more than we can handle......
Dear Maresie, I'm so sorry you are going through all this. When I learned to detatch, it changed my whole world. I was so obscessed with him, I didn't look after myself. My whole world had been wrapped up in what he wanted, where he was.... what he was doing, yadda yadda. Then, I started doing things for myself, going places on my own, and having a good time. It got so good, that I honestly didn't care what he was up to. When I re-gained my life back, and started doing things for me, is when he changed. Maybe he was afraid of losing me, I don't know, but I really believe nothing changes if nothing changes! I never stopped loving him, I don't think I could, God knows I've been tested enough times! But one thing I have promised myself, is that I'm NEVER going back to the way things were when he was active, loving him or not! I guess I have finally learned to love myself and even respect myself. Believe me, I've come a long way! All this since I joined Al-anon! Bless you John for this this board!! Take care of yourself, my friend, nobody else will!! With Love, TLC
