The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Lately I feel like I have been wallowing in my insanity. At the same time I feel like I couldn't get out of it no matter what I did. I have choices but I have been making the wrong ones for the most part. Tonight, in my f2f it occured to me that the tools are right here at my fingertips and I just keep ignoring them. Or thinking that because I know what they are they will automatically work without me working them. *sigh* I don't know. Having these awarnesses about myself I feel that I have to take the next step and take the first step, formally. With a sponser. My life has gotten so much better with this program and I know I can get even better is I take the suggestions and work the steps.
I called my ex today. I have wanted to for days and fought it. I caved today. Disability called me to say he has an appointment with them on monday and he missed his last appt so if he wants this he needs to show up. I explained that he and I no longer speak but I gave her his cell #. She asked if there was anyway that I could make sure he made the appt on monday. I kinda laughed and said that I am no longer advocating for him, apparently he has someone new to do that, or not do that which seems most likely. That did it. I called him to leave a message in my snotty voice that he has that appt monday, that I want child support. I think I said something like "being that you are sober and working a great program i would think that your sponser would advise you to continue to pay child support because that is what normal healthy people do. they don't make their kids suffer just because the parent doesn't feel like seeing them. and since you don't have a mental illness and you haven't had to take care of the kids for weeks now you must have lots of money so send the check!"
swear I hate his guts. I hate him for living his life while I sit here with my panties in a twist over what he's doing and with whom. It's a physical thing. As soon as i knew I was going to call him something released in my brain and flowed to my stomach. This is what used to happen all day. It makes me shake.It's like getting a fix.And the addiction part is it's not enough.He called back and left me a message saying "well, since I know you are accostumed to getting your support in cash when I pick up the kids I will have them run in cash. so you can continue getting what you are used to. call me so we can discuss when i can pick up the girls"
LOL. this message actually made me laugh, it's when i started to lighten up a bit. I phoned him back one more time and left a message just saying" I am accustomed to nothing from you. you paid a minimal amount of child support when you were here hanging out with the kids. never before and never since. so luckly for you a am unaccustomed to recieving anything from you! So go ahead and send a check that way you,me,and the courts will have a hard copy of how much you send and how often and as far as the kids are concerned as soon as i see some legal paperwork stating when and for how long you get visitation we will go from there."
oh, and the readings were all about love andletting go. I heard love and hope all over my meeting tonight. I can't find the love for him.I hate him and the feeling i have in my body because i hate him. i wonder if i have to work thru this feeling, do i have to live with this till it fades or what action can i take to get rid of it?
I can't really help very much with what you are going through, just wanted to say that I fully understand the 'addiction' part of it. I used to get a compulsion to know where he was, when he didn't come home from work. I'd fight it as long as I could, but eventually I would HAVE to get in my car and drive around town until I saw which bar he was parked in front of. Then I could go home, and get on with my evening. Why I needed to know WHERE he was drinking, when I knew full well THAT he was drinking, I did not understand, and I still don't understand. I just know that it was a physical need, something I just had to do, and once it was done I felt peace. And we say THEY are the ones who are messed up......
Find that sponsor and keep working the steps you will find your answer. steps are in order for a reason , that took me awhile to understand . Its so hard to explain the benifit of working your way thru 12 awsome steps if u havent done them . just keep going u will find the peace your looking for . Louise
I, too, have really struggled with the compulsion to call my ex. I have mainly been able to stop by realizing how much calling was HURTING me and INCREASING my pain 100-fold over the pain I was already experiencing. For me, it helped to get clear about my motives for why I was calling. I found my motives were the following: a. I wanted to stir up trouble & being bored b. I wanted to try to find some way to "stick it to my ex" verbally so she would hurt as much as I did c. I wanted to prove to myself that without me my ex would stay sick and never get better. For me, I stopped making those calls when I realized the one person they ended up hurt EVERY TIME was me--I ended up contorted with anger, or crying soooo hard, or in an obsessive crazed funk. Although I got off the phone with my ex wanting to tell everybody HOW MUCH my ex HURT ME, I realized that 10 times out of 10 I was the one who initiated these calls--so who did I really have to thank for my pain? Me. For me, I had stop fooling myself about why I was making those calls--the calls weren't going to help me alleviate the pain, and under no circumstances was I going to be able to even up the score for all the hurt I believed that my ex caused me.
Now, when I want to reach for the phone. I STOP. I STOP the internal dialogue that is trying to convince me that one-little-itsy-bitsy-phone call never hurt anything. I take a deep breath, and I reach for my program and for my HP. I quiet myself; I get still and tune into the fact that peace and serenity are always available. And, I put down the phone, and move on to something else. If the compulsion to call doesn't go away, I pick up the phone & call my sponsor and other program people who will understand. To get over this compulsion, I had to stop trying to use will-power or just white-knuckling it. I had to realizing I had real needs to be comforted and supported, but contacting my ex was never going to help me address those needs.
