The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My AH and I have been separated for 3 months. It has been a little over a month since he was arrested for possession. It has been a month full of ups and downs. He has been mad, sad and glad over that time.
I have an easier time coping when he is mad at me and doesn't want to talk to me or see me. I can go on with living and feel pretty content. It is when he works towards reconciliation that makes me weak. This is the only man I have ever loved, ever been with. He knows me inside and out and sometimes I think he knows me better than I know myself. 15 years together and he knows exactly what buttons to push to achieve whatever he wants, whether it is make me mad, sad or turned on.
So last night he pushed all the right buttons and I gave in to desire. I feel so guilty. I was just so lonely this week. And when he hugged me, it felt so wonderful. I tried to fight it. But he was being so sweet and looked really good....better than he has looked in a really long time. I fought it as long as I could and I told him he wasn't playing fair. He said he couldn't play fair, he doesnt' want to lose me and therefore will pull out all the stops to win me back. He even offered to go to therapy as a couple or just by himself if that is what I want. He said he wants to be at my beck and call 24/7 from now until we die at a ripe old age. The man has some serious charm and knows how to use it.
Am I being foolish? I enjoyed last night and my body doesn't regret it one bit. My brain is beating me up for being so niave. My poor heart is torn in 2. I have been telling myself for so long that my heart is over this man....but is it really? I know I don't like who he had become over the years. But I liked the man he was last night. I loved the man he was last night. I told him that last night didn't change anything. I still don't want to live with him....there are too many things about him that drive me insane. Is it crazy to think that we could just date? Live separate lives but spend some evenings and weekends together? It would be good for the kids to have him around more...but would it confuse them? I know I have read others' posts that said they love their A's and get a long a lot better when they don't live together...maybe that is just what I need.
You know, as an outsider in your situation... it sounds like you were honest and living in the moment with a person you have loved for a long time. 1 moment of sanity doesn't heal years of chaos, but it is a wonderful window to look into when you can see the person just for who they are right then.
Maybe that will be a long term solution for you both... and maybe it won't. We feel guilty when we overreact, we feel guilty when we stand up for our boundries, heck we feel guilty when their own consequences are more than "we" can bear.... but I hope you won't feel guilty for spending a moment (hopefully a few moments LOL) of intimacy with someone you so obviously love.
Thanks for sharing that with us. This whole situation just simply defies logic for me. I think you are doing great!
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
you're not the first, you won't be the last. You say you don't regret it but you're beating yourself up. Suggested reading: If you give a mouse a cookie... Think abuot what you need out of this relationship, and then go from there
I'm in no place to offer anything other than how much I relate to your dilemma!!
I'm aware of this split in myself too . . . done with him, over it, broken beyond repair . . . and then I go an do something or say something that opens the door all over again. Like rtexas said, it defies logic, but how you felt last night and how you feel today is sure something I think I understand.
I fear being sucked dry and obliterated by the strong, incessant NEEDS of others around me. I have a super strong, knee jerk reaction, and the fear is so strong I have literally run away from jobs and people without so much as a goodbye. In this fear, I 'believe' this needy person or situation is going to annihlate me and I will disappear. And when I give in to their 'needs' I feel I have betrayed myself, I resent myself and of course feel terrible guilt.
I guess I can say let this 'set' for a few days, talk a lot to other Alanoners, write about it, and cook it on the back burner for a while. Let it mellow and see what comes up for you. My heart goes out to you, and honestly, there's no bad in what you did. It doesn't really change anything, just like you said. We have bodies that have needs, and hearts that need closeness and nurturing. I wish you great strength during this time of growth. Yup, that's what it is, a time of growth. You take care, and keep posting about this.
There is no shame in sharing love. One day at a time. Enjoy what you have, cherish it. When I finally realized that I was probably going to lose my house and that I was seeing signs that my ah at the time was headed towards relapse I started conscienciously recognizing how much I loved my house and my AH and all the family things we were able to do. At that time I stopped worrying about the future and lived in the moment. Today I have great memories. I don't have my house and my now ex ah did relapse but I have those memories because I chose to live in the moment and that I do not regret. Just enjoy it all while it lasts because nothing lasts forever.....
I can relate very very much. That is one reason I am doubling up on my activities. I think they keep us so caught up in their stuff there is no room for anything else. For me that's a repeat of my childhood. I deserve a life.
I also relate to it being easier when they are mad. When he is mad I can say well I am not going there to get shouted at. When he is soft, sweet and kind that is much harder. It is like a whirlwind being around them.
Don't beat yourself up but I would suggest you get very very very busy doing other things.
