The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I am sorry-perhaps this is not where I should post for feedback on this subject--but we can use alanon anywhere in our lives right? Oh I so wish I could. I have had asked for help before with my DIL-regarding soooo many issues of her "using"me--(and I guess I let her). I am the grandmother of my son's and her children. They are the best kids (I babysit all the time)Don't get me wrong I love the GK and I would do anything for all my kids and grandkids. But I feel so hurt at the way I get treated by my DIL. She is sometime so "sweet" and the next time will not even look at me-and talks to me like -- her servant--just someone she has no respect for. I will do anything for someone-but when I get no respect I am SOOO hurt! I don't need to go into the latest issue--it doesn't matter. I know I need to "confront" her-I get the nerve up-then I am too afraid to open my mouth. So the cycle continues. Please help me--why am I like this?
I relate so well to what you describe. A funny thing happened one day in my meeting. There is a person there who has been in the program for years, she has really sparked some wonderful healing in me with her shares, but one day she was frustrated with herself because on the way over she had a little fit of "road rage"... to me it sounded like a pretty big fit and that made me smile because she is a little bitty older lady.
I could just picture her honking and yelling at this elderly guy in an pickup that kept tail gating her through town and honking at her everytime she slowed down.
All of a sudden she said that she wasnt upset at herself for acting out... she said that was just bad judgement, she was upset because she failed to realize that she had no idea what "he" may have been going through that day.
That touched a cord with me. We don't have to let people treat us badly, but everyone is just simply in a different place in life. When my son (22 years old) flips back and forth like that, I have been trying to poke a little fun at it. Keeps me from getting upset, and he definitely gets the point when he gets a little bossy and I ask him in my best butler voice, if that will be all Sir...
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Rtexas hit the nail right on the head in my opinion. I had ill feelings for my MIL because she was so controlling! If I did something different than she did my way was always wrong. She even rewashed dishes I washed! WTH? I know you are doing a great service for her by watching the kids. My mom watches my daughter for me but there are times when she takes over. I get so mad and hurt because I have to fight for my place next to my own child. She tells her how to eat and when to put what food in her mouth next! There are times when I cannot talk to her because I will say soemthing I will regret. I am not saying that is what you are doing. But maybe she is having a hard time at work or just wants to feel like the mom when you are there. I have to aggressively take back control or my mom will push me right out of the room. She told me she thought she was helping and I was really hurt by her actions. Hope this helps...you never know what the other person is feeling or experiencing.
the last time you posted about this situation it was over the fact that you felt as if your DIL was using you and that you were uncertain how your DIL was handling your sons alcholism. Have you done an inventory on this relationship? have you looked for your role? Have you found ways to set concrete bounries here? No is, after all, a complete sentence. If nothing changes, nothing changes. It sounds like nothing is changing.
meagain wrote:I know I need to "confront" her-I get the nerve up-then I am too afraid to open my mouth.
This sentence stood out to me - probably because almost everything about me - when I get to the bottom of all my emotions it is usually about FEAR.
You may not be that way and if you are not - you can just ignore the rest of this - but for me, when I am feeling that fear - I have to find out the bottom line - what am I so scared of, because that is what I am giving all my power and serenity over to. That Fear is ruling my life.
Maybe try journaling your fears? Are they realistic? Are they based on previous relationships? Are they based on assumptions? Are they based on something I think I know?
Then, I try to deal with each one - How can I relieve these fears? With an open conversation? Maybe your DIL's feelings aren't toward you? But if it is how healing would it be to be able to resolve whatever problem it may be? Worse case senerio? She doesn't want to resolve, you have kept your garden clean, because you have done your part in pulling up the weeds of fear that have kept you from moving forward.
You have stepped out of the fear, take control of your life. Fear becomes powerless over you. You are free from it's hold on you.
Just my e,s, & h in dealing with fear. Hope it helps you like it did me when someone shared it with me.
Wishing you peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
After reading your post the first thing that came to my mind was "boundaries". We all need to set them to make our lives easier. Once set we must stick to them otherwise they don't mean anything. I have been reading the book "Boundaries, when to say yes and when to say no". It is a great book and has given me new tools to set my boundaries. It might help you in some way.
I remember when I was stuck with watching three little ones while everyone else went to work or nursing school. Nobody helped with dinner, occasionally there was some help with the dishes but seldom. I found that I was resenting being taken advantage of but on the other hand I was allowing it to happen by not taking back my control. I told my son and his wife to find another baby sitter because it was just too much for me. Of course they didn't until the situation was forced on them. I had to have surgery and DH told them to be moved out by the time I was released and to find another sitter. Some people are just plain selfish and slow, the DIL called the first day I was home from surgery asking if I could watch the children. The children at the time were 6, 4 and 18mos. I told her NO and felt very good about my decision to decline.
The way I look at it is that when my children were young if I needed a sitter for them I paid one, I did not take advantage of my mom. She had already put in her tenure taking care of children and now it was time for me to take care of my own. If childcare was too expensive for me then it was my job to find other ways to cut expenses.
When we take back our control we grow a little at a time. Learning to say "No" is a big step but the bottom line is we have to take care of ourselves.
Barb
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
