The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My dad's house sold. I am planning to buy my own home with the proceeds. I have to buy it outright as the foreclosure is still so recent. I found 2 houses that I love. Having just sold my dad's for far less than it was listed for the past 11 months, I know that it is a buyers market. At least here it is. If I wait to buy a house than more than likely I will not be able to afford what I can right this minute. AAGGGHHH! That and all the other good reasons there are for me to be a home owner again. And my circumstances have changed. I don't have a crack head draining my bank account everytime I turn around and I have the income from my father's business. And lets remember I can get another job. I am capable, there is nothing wrong with me. I have chosen to only work the little that I work so that I can raise my kids. So, I didn't call my ex (I can't as I erased his # from my phone) no, I call the next best person to be abused by....my mother. She was not happy, excited, supportive. She was pissed. I owe her money, she can't pay her bills, why do I even want to live 45 minutes away from her and where I work. I make bad decisions, this is just going to be another failure, she's going to wind up cleaning up my mess again. She hasn't cleaned up my first one so I'm not sure where she's comming from with that one. I'm making a rash decision. Sigh....I hate her. Then she asked about the auction we had with all my dad's antiques. I didn't tell her we were having it or that it was done. Man, was she ever pissed off about that! Exactly why I didn't say a word to her about it. It is none of her business.All she would do is guilt me into giving her all the money and then here I sit with nothing yet again, having to go to her for money to cover my basic needs. That's the dance we do. I'm not dancing with her anymore and she is mad. I don't blame her for being mad. I have to take care of myself and my 3 kids. By myself with no $ support. This is exactly what my father intended I do with the $ he left me. Take care of me and the kids. He was so proud that he could set the kids and I up. He was comforted by the though that when he died the girls and I would always be taken care of. Still here comes the doubt...maybe I am just spoiled and selfish. Maybe I am jumping into this. I have been thinking it over for a year but still, maybe people do things differently? Money, it's always been about money with her. With everyone, that's how she controls. One of the many ways anyhow. I got off the phone and thought maybe I don't deserve to be a homeowner again. I should be punished for all the mistakes I have made and maybe that should include never owning a home again. Even though it will be cheaper for me to own than it is to rent. Why do I do this to myself?
You absolutely Do deserve to own a home and feel good about yourself agan. I have a smiliar thing with my mother, only she is sneakier and disguises it in hip, positve jargon. The result is the same.
I think one of the tragedies of living around alcoholism is what it does to our self esteem. And I think this is one of those cases where we should "act as if" until we actually believe it again. And if you can't right now for yourself, decide that you are doing it for your kids. YOU ARE WORTHY - just because of who you are, as a child of this world. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise!
We are creatures of habit -- and some of our habits are bad ones! I think it's just the way we are made, and one of the many, many human struggles we're destined to live with when we NEED TO CHANGE.
BTW, I am SO happy for you and your daughters! What a blessing your father left for you. I too sunk an inheritance into a home, and it was the best thing I ever did financially. Again, you are so fortunate! Congratulations on using your windfall wisely and practically!!!
Back to the habit thing . . . I imagine that habits are like roads. Some habits are SO ingrained they are like ten lane freeways with a toll lane, and some are just nice country roads. The more traveled, the smoother, wider and EASIER the road is to take. Calling your mother is a freeway. Trying to get her to be a decent, loving mother, something no doubt you've done your entire life, is such a 'road well traveled' you don't even remember getting on it. Sounds sadly like she's more apt to give you rejection than love. That is a terrible grief to face. At this point in her life, she's not likely to change, but you can change and take a nice country road to find more loving, supportive and positive people in your life. Or a nice bakery :D for a loaf of fresh bread.
Something similar on investing was recently posted. One of the replies said something about taking the emotion out of the decision and look at it like a business decision. I thought that was so smart! If it makes good business sense, then go for it.
I too, struggle with second guessing myself. I am beginning to learn to turn to healthy people who I trust to work out big decisions in my life.
Whatever you decide, I hope you will feel good about your decision.
You can do it. You can even find solutions, identify problems, and get the answers all by yourself.
the title of this thread is apt. it is just so damned frustrating when we go to emotionally unavailable people for support. i had to consciously stop going to my mother or father for help, advice, and support --- i finally got it when i turned to HP and my own guts.
love you guys cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Sounds like it will be easier to take mom's # off the cell phone than to turn her into the loving, supportive person you long for. Consider putting your sponsor's number on the phone or go to a f2f meeting when you want to share.
I'm amazed, and I just realized this. I now have a loving, supportive circle of friends (online, phone, in person). It's something I never thought could happen. But in the last couple years, initially inspired by Alanon, I've gotten into the habit of not sharing my inner heart with people unless I know they are supportive and real.
Instead of sharing my inner heart with my critical, can-never-be-pleased family of origin, I come here, I go to other forums that have a focus on healing, I stay away from the arguments and fights, I stay with the healing people, and what do you know - the family of origin hasn't changed at all (except to realize that I won't be a doormat anymore) - and the circle of loving, supportive people with "believing eyes" has grown quite large!! Wow. I'm amazed.
The arguments that occur with the family of origin aren't based on me trying to get them to support my heart (because I don't go there), they are based on me standing up for myself when I am walked on.
Are you kidding, for living with an alcoholic we deserve a MANSION !! I know that I have a HUGE self esteem issue and i am sure that you do too. For me, I thought if I were .. . he wouldnt drink, would love me blbabblllbbbb... anyway, even though I know it isnt true it is still hard and those old tapes keep playing..
Take care of your BEAUTIFUL children, they need stability they need a HOME !!
If you don't feel worthy of a house, then look at your kids and decide if the are worthy. I bet all the money I HAVE in the bank (not much of it though - lol) that you will decide that THEY are worthy. Our kids deserve all we can give them.....love, hope and a future. Any investment in them is an investment in yourself and vice versa.
If that doesn't help you in your decision, then you should also look at it the way Leetle suggestion - take emotion out and look at it as a business transaction. Is it a good investment of your money for you and your kids and y'alls future? Sure it is. Owning your own home is way better than renting and throwing money down the toilet (at least in my opinion). And if you can swing it financially and emotionally, then I say go for it.
Just remember you are an amazing person. As soon as you realize that and start treating yourself better, then others will see it too and follow suit. Keep your chin up and take care of you. :)
Yes, you are worthy of a financially sound decision.
Yes, you are worthy to honor your father's wishes to provide aid in his daughter's & grandchildren's future.
Yes, you have the right to say to your Mom, "I am uncomfortable discussing this right now"
Now, I know that we have the options to do those things, but sometimes we don't have the power. So, we pray for the strength from our HP to be able to limit the unhealthiness that we let enter our minds. Your HP will do for you what you can't do for yourself.
How about a poster board sign saying YOU ARE WORTHY with a picture of your children & your father in your room so that you can remind yourself daily that your HP has provided a way for you to have security - You just have to enjoy.
Peace and enjoy house hunting, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
