The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
A few days ago I posted about 'losing it' with my A. He'd just come home after another week long binge. I told him to leave, and he refused. I remember feeling that rage shoot up through my body . . . I felt violence, hatred and despair. Then I posted here, which centered me.
So after sleeping it off for a few days, he came up to the loft (where I now live, eat and sleep) and asked me to come downstairs and watch TV with him, which I very gently refused. He literally ran down the stairs as if I'd zapped him with a cattle prod. Then he came back up and told me I needed to get out of myself for JUST ONE MINUTE, and my selfishness is going to lead us back into problems. I stared at him until he went back downstairs. Didn't say what I was thinking, let him listen to his own words echo through his brain for a while.
Yesterday he offered to cook dinner. Very gently, I said what I mean without being mean. I'm not going to pretend that everything is just fine. I believe it is the worst thing I can do for you. I am not going to eat with you, or spend time downstairs with you because I don't want to perpetuate this fantasy. It is not taking care of me, and it's not helping you either.
So I went up to the loft to read some MIP and he bounced up and down the stairs a few times. Finally, he came up fully dressed and asked me to go to an AA meeting with him. He hasn't gone for two months or so. I gently told him I did not want to go with him but was thrilled beyond belief he was going. I found myself babbling too, saying nothing would make me happier than if he went to AA, worked the steps and completely ignored me just as long as he gets well. Then, I got a better grip on the flapping lips and said "You go for you. They'll be so happy to see you back."
He came back, fixed dinner which I did eat with him, sniffing and rubbing tears off his face the whole time. He cried at the meeting, and though not sobbing at home, the tears poured out of him.
I bottled the baby goats and he was conked out, so I gratefully went back up to the loft and read some more from MIP and a couple of other Alanon sites. I realized I felt absolutely giddy. The day before, he was beneath my contempt. He finally goes to AA, cries helplessly all evening, and says some stuff along the lines of actual truth, and I am flying high with relief and hopes for the future.
If I'm not detatching myself from his obnoxious 'using' behaviors, I'm detatching from his healthy struggles to get well. I'm watching my emotions carom (sp) around but know in spite of my obvious relief, his venture into wellness is HIS. I am still responsible, to myself, to maintain my serenity, and not allow myself to be seduced by my own desire, and legitimate NEED for him to be a functional part of this farm.
After losing it with him the other day, I'm clear now the rage I felt was backlash from a couple of weeks of not managing my expectations and not maintaining a necessary detatchment while THINGS ARE GOING WELL. Then, they don't go well and I am off my rocker again.
Anyone else (Ha!) experience this rollercoaster, and how do you handle it?
I know that rage that you felt all too well. I remember the times AH would come home or already be home and be just so far wasted he couldn't stand straight then look me in the eye and say "What?" In the early days before Al Anon I would launch into a tirade of hatred and accusations which would only lead to horrible fights. Thank God I found Al Anon and learned how to keep my anger in check and just say, "nothing, how are you?" which then confused him to the point he would just walk away. Then the sober day would come and I would be accused of being selfish because of my actions of detaching with love.
Now hub is sober and is not living with us right now. He is doing great with his recovery, but still sometimes he gets frustrated with me because I am still working my program and putting myself and my kids first. He wants to move back in and right now I am just not ready. He says sometimes that he is missing out on so many things and it is my fault because I won't let him stay with us. Then he realizes that it has to be on each our own time. So still sometimes bit of a rollercoaster, but much better than the drunk one that I used to put myself on. I am proud of his choice in recovery, but that doesn't mean I start catering to his every want and need again.
It sounds like you are doing a wonderful job for yourself. I have found that once I truely put myself first and started taking care of myself and let him take care of himself that I can't believe that way I used to be. I know I don't ever want to go back to that life and work hard everyday to keep up with my progress so far. I have nothing to do with his recovery, it is his to have and keep safe. My recovery is mine to have and keep safe. I just have to keep reminding myself that I don't have to do things the way that anyone else wants as long as I am not hurting anyone and am growing in recovery everyday.
Just my two cents! Working the steps, reading the literature, and attending meetings have been a blessing in finding myself and learning that saying 'no' isn't always a bad thing. Saying what I mean, meaning what I say, and not saying it mean has overflowed into all parts of my life and I am a much better person to have learned that awesome lesson.
Stay strong! Keep taking care of you! One day at a time! Keep my side of the street clean! Those are words I live by now.
Wow....two things I just *heard* that were awesome;
1. "I'm clear now the rage I felt was backlash from a couple of weeks of not managing my expectations and not maintaining a necessary detatchment while THINGS ARE GOING WELL"
and
2. "Saying what I mean, meaning what I say, and not saying it mean has overflowed into all parts of my life and I am a much better person to have learned that awesome lesson. "
