The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I came to the awareness that when my ex was "in love" with me, willing to do whatever I wanted, here at my beck and call, I couldn't stand him. I hated him. As soon as he pulled away I was heartbroken "oh how could he when I loved him so much." Or I would be stumped by the timing of me feeling love for him and him dumping me. This is my pattern. I have done it with every relationship I have had and not just romantic relationships either. I loved the friends that didn't really seem to into me and used mercilessly the ones who would do anything for me. O.K. now what do I do with this awareness? How do I change? I feel like to accept this about myself is to be resigned to having this pattern. As if I have to just sigh and think "well, that's just how I am". Until I find a new alcoholic and then I can take action to do things differently. That can't be right! I think I can begin to take action and do things differently with my children. I don't have to wait to feel that the connection has been severed before I give them my love. I spoke about this at my meeting this evening and got great feed back (I love my home group). They remind me of who I am and want to be. Any ESH acceptance and action?
The only thing I can say is woman are territorial and when our "things" are threatend we want them more. Write down a list of the character traits you want in a friendship and the things you do not want. If you meet someone who does not fall into your friendship catagory don't go after their friendship. If they do meet your friendship requirements then seek out a friendship. The next time you feel "heartbroken" just ask yourself "Am I just being territorial?" That's all I have on that topic. Good luck ;)
For me, when I am in an intimate relationship, my fears really control me. As I have come to discover, some of the fears are legit and some are phantoms...but I don't know which is which until I write them down and face them. Perhaps, it would be helpful to think about what your fears were when your A was present everyday and what your fears were when he left. You might see something useful, especially if you look closely to see what is a legitimate fear and what isn't. Once I have listed my fears, I have found it helpful to list "What is really true" about the situation, especially in the case of phantom fears. When I do this exercise, I feel more grounded.
I think that we always want "things" we cant have. I know for me, I dont like rejection it stinks... So I try harder to be loved and accepted. I want everyone to like me and if not well, I will make them LOVE me !! Instead of saying, I am sorry that you dont like me for me. I am moving on. As far as the relationship, for me I am not sure if it is my a or the "idea" of the perfect marriage with a husband, two kids and the white pickett fence. I have 1 of the three.. ( the kids ) but it doesnt mean that I dont want that dream and mourn it everyday. I just hope that I figure all of this out someday and i hope you do too. JUst think how wise we will be.
In my past I have gone after relationships with men who really weren't that into me. I realized it was this deep need I had to be accepted and loved, like I had so much power to turn their hearts towards me. Well, that didn't happen. Eventually I began seeing that the people I wanted to give me love and acceptance were people that were nothing like me. Their values and morals were different, their talents and skills were different. I think it was just me wanting to fill a void within myself. I started looking more at the friends that were genuine and sincere, the ones that stick around instead of the fair weather friends. Same with romantic relationships, I started looking at men that I had things in common with, people I could be me with and people who liked me for who I was. Its never too late to change those patterns, however it took me going to therapy and working this out with someone who was patient and insightful. I ask HP to bring those people in my life and bless the ones that are in my life now. I really had to search myself and get down to reason of why I had this pattern. Most of the reason went back to my childhood and had a lot to do with my Dad. Now that you are aware of it, you can ask HP to guide you in healing that part of you and open you up to love's possibilities with people who will love and accept you know matter what.
Have a wonderful day. Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Wow, tough realization to come to. IMHO I don't think acceptance is resigning ourselves to future use of behaviours. Acceptance for me is saying "Holy crap, this is what I have done in the past on many occasions. What on earth makes me think I can treat the people I love in this way and what can I do to change it?"
I would also be questioning where I had learned this behaviour and would go about unlearning it.
As always, Take what ya like and leave the rest In alanon lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Thnaks y'all for the input. I have heard so many times that daughters marry their fathers, men who have similar qualities to their fathers. But someone once said that people (men included) tend to marry others that have many of the issues of the parent they had the most issues with. That rang true fro me. My ex ah is so similar to my mother, the way she treated me and treats me is so very like the way my ex treated me. My mother was always there, as my father wasn't so much during my growing up years. My mother was very abusive to me, physically and emotionally and verbally. She lied to me, she was very distant and totally unavailable emotionally. I have started seeing a therapist so that i can learn how to be a better mother. So I don't have to repeat the pattern. For me, i married my mother (with a little of my dad and grandpa thrown in and ALOT of my drunk uncle! lol) I have to really focus on being more pure with my love. Fear is a big issue also. I don't know if I have ever loved and not lost--to death, or disease. I am scared. But how lucky am I to have this program and you people to help me to do things differently? Thank you again!
