How do you handle irresponsability? - Al-Anon Family Group

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

How do you handle irresponsability?

Rita G · ~*Service Worker*~

Slapping them upside the head is not an option - Right?????

Shoot that sound like a good option to me!! Ok - so that may be an old way of thinking.

Maybe this is where we (& I say we, because I have been dealing with a little bit of this myself with some of the people in my life also) could say "You are entitled to your feelings, but I do disagree. I believe that you are responsible for your decisions"

It is so funny to me how my daughters don't want to listen to my suggestions in dealing with the chaos of their lives, but when they are in way over their heads - they always seem to run to Momma to try to get me to fix everything.

Ironic how some of the girls believe it is "owed" to them, but a couple of the girls are the total opposite??? 5 girls, 5 different personalities.

Anyway, I know there is the slogan "How Important is It?", but if it affects my serenity, then it is important. And I don't have to take on someone's load of guilt. That is unrealistic guilt.

I can say "I hate that you feel that way, but my perception of the situation is totally different" and WALK AWAY.

Then, I can find a healthy Al-Anon buddy that I can truly express the full details of my emotions on the situation. Take care of me and let the other person go.

Hope this helps, most of all remember you don't have to take on unrealistic guilt. Let your shoulders have a rest - You don't have to carry the weight of the world.

Peace to you,
Rita

Friendofyours · ~*Service Worker*~

When I come across people who seriously think that their answers are correct I just say "We are just going to have to agree to disagree" and I leave it at that.
I was sitting in the dr's office last month and this man would NOT shut up about Bush our President and then went into abortion and other crap that should just not be shared with a total stranger. I corrected several of his statements and realized that it went in one ear and out the other so I ended it with "we will have to agree to disagree" and he finally shut up. All it did was show him that I was not interested and no matter what he said I was not going to be swayed. Good luck.

Kim65 · ~*Service Worker*~

***Am I doing either of us any favors by taking the blame with a smile and not challenging them to take some responsability for their own life? I am not talking about being ugly about it.... just somehow letting them know that the buck they attempted to pass to me didn't make it. LOL***

This line in your post caught my eye. Because 99% of what comes out of my A's mouth is either fantasy or deliberate lies, the only way I can maintain my own internal balance is to not respond at all . . . not be rude or mean (tho I am quite capable of it), but go "Hmm" and shrug. Even the most well spoken, kind reminders of who is really responsible fall on deaf ears.

Right now it is most important for me not to fly into a rage, or go into an obsessive thought spiral. I'm just learning how to stop it before it starts, or at least recover quickly when I 'lose it' :D . That leaves little energy to challenge him, so unless it pops out of my mouth in a kind and thoughtful way (RARE!) I too just smile and let him figure out no one is picking up HIS buck but him.

serendipity · ~*Service Worker*~

This is a great topic. I have struggled with my ex ah and his lack of responsibility which i have made up for. He is unable to be consistent. That is how I think of him....on a good day. But as far as anyone else (including him, unfourtunatly) being responsible for my feeling over-responsible, I guess that has to be my responsibility. LOL, I cannot make anyone do or feel anything, I cannot make them see that they need to do it for themselves. All I can do is make the choice to do whatever needs to be done or not do it. Expectations and resentments have been killing me. But this is really great for me to think about. I tend to "punish" others when I feel they are taking advantage of me.

rtexas · ~*Service Worker*~

Serendipity said ... "But as far as anyone else (including him, unfourtunatly) being responsible for my feeling over-responsible, I guess that has to be my responsibility. LOL"

What a great liine! I got lots of great feedback from everyone, but part of my pain was just what she said. I was trying to force responsability on someone before they were ready to be responsable... Can't make 'em not drink, why do I all of a sudden get frustrated that I can't make 'em responsable...

So was I mad that they were irresponsable... not really, they do it all the time. I was mad that I couldn't show them the way! LOL What a dork. As soon as I read it I could feel that that was exactly what I was mad about.

Thank you (((((all))))) for your help.

Take care of you!

RainyJamie · Senior Member

One exercise I did was to list different aspects of my life and the things I was resposible for in each one, and to measure how much was shared. By the end I realized I assumed alot of responsibilities that were unreasonable, and a few that were imagined,or that I didn't do but thought I did. LOL Anyway, writing it out on paper helps me sometimes.
Jamie

wp · ~*Service Worker*~

slap em around a bit with a large trout!
or,,,,,Plan B: "I don't agree with that."
and on to the next subject.

:) mswp

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.