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Please is anybody out there that can help me, I really need to know what to do, I tried talking to my husband about it, but it turns out to be all about himself, should I send my son away so maybe he can start fresh in another country... I know that might not be the best solution but he does not want to go to rehab he says that "that's weak " and wants to do it on his own. At least my spoons have stoped dissapearing! "for now" I don't know what kind of drugs he is using but my bottles of alcool are going. He admited to me that he has a problem but not what kind of drugs,
please is there someone out there that can direct me
Honestly, your son does NOT want help and no matter what country, state or town he is in he will find a drug or alcohol. It doesn't just go away because he moves so I would suggest you saving your money. If he's a child then yes I would put him in some sort of boarding school, that's just me as a parent. I know the junk can take their life and I would not stop if it came down to my child. When they are adults however, it's much harder to help them. I'm not familiar with your situation so I don't know the details. But to answer the big question,.....NO another country would not help your child get a fresh start. Sorry but that's the truth.
ditto to the post by Friendofyours. It is quite common for an addict or AA to want to change their location thinking that things will change for them. Honestly we can all, and that includes the addicts in our lives, try to run from ourselves but the problem lies with when we get to where we think we will be safe we are still there. We just can't outrun ourselves. It may take them a little longer to find the drugs or alcohol friends they left behind but they are like velcro....they keep sticking together.
Sending him away won't cure him, you can't cure him, and most of all remember that it is not your fault.
On the subject of your alcohol disappearing...hon let's be honest here. If you have a child that is a diabetic you don't leave candy in the candy dish. The same is true for the alcoholic, you just don't put the alcohol there for them to pick up at will.
In AA they say that there are three choices, treatment/program, jail or death. When my son would ask for money I had to ask myself if I give him the money how will I feel if he uses that money to get the drugs he wants and it kills him. That is the main reason the Bank Of Mom closed it's doors.
The only thing we can do is work on ourselves and leave them alone to work on themselves. I don't even want to think of where I would be today without the program and all that it has taught me. My A/DA son is an adult so all I can do is work on me. If your son is a minor then there are other options left to you. For minors there are treatment centers that deal with teens; if he fits this category then do some calling and find out what your options are. Unfortunately all of the treatment and help from others does little for them unless they want it for themselves. They have to reach a point where they say "I DO NOT WANT TO LIVE THIS WAY ANYMORE". Then the miracle starts and things change not only for them but for everyone who's lives they have affected.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Thank you, I feel like you understand what I'm going through, I thought I was alone, I feel so alone... I have to scould myself not to go into depression. When he does ask me for money even if I tell him I don't have he finds things that he can sell or I have to keep hidding my purse, so many things have dissapeared from our house, we can't leave anything lying around or it's gone. What really bothers me is when I try to talk to my husband he turns everything around and it becomes all about the way the kids treat him and how hard he tries, but he does not help in finding solutions. I'm going crazy trying to cope with all of this. I'm at the end of my rope!
Sounds like your son has learned alot from his father. It's a shame your husband doesn't see that your son is following his fathers lead. Since you can not change your husbands ways on parenting you are going to have to take matters into your own hands. Your son is going to have to learn lessons even if it's putting him in jail for stealing your things. Eventually the court system will take the matter into their hands. I don't know what your son's wake up call will be but hopefully you can find it before it's too late. Your in my prayers.
when he was about 19 years old, he took one cheque from my night table and forged my signature, I wanted to make a police report, but my husband didn't let me, he said that in jail he would meet people that are worst than him and he would not get better but only get worst. Then I tried to kick him out of the house again my husband didn't let me, he said that if he was out on the streets he would become a bum and then rob to get his drugs. I don't know right from wrong anymore.
First off hugs to you hon. I really can feel the desperation in your post. I know what you are going through emotionally because I went through it myself.
It won't matter what country your son is, if he wants to use he is going to. It sounds like he is learning a lot from the behavior of his Father. How sad for you.
You are pretty powerless over all this and are going to have to take care of you and work your program. Your son will stop when he is ready....period. Your husband sounds like he needs some boundaries.
Please take care of you and remember you didn't cause any of this and you sure can't cure it. It has to run it's course.
You have to set boundaries that are good for you and stand by them
You do know what's right and what's wrong, it's your husband and son who do not. The next time you want to call the police I think you should.YOU and his father are the biggest influences in his life and always will be. What example are you setting by allowing him to steal your checks and get away with it? Of course he will meet people in jail, that's good! Let him meet what his future will be like. Your husband needs to be educated on the sickness, too bad he won't go to meetings or read a book or two about it. Your son is 19 and that's hard because he is an adult. You need to let your son know what the sentences are for an adult in jail if and when he is caught and let him know that you nor his father will be bailing him out. I wish I could tell you what would help him but unfortunaltly there is nothing you can do if he is not wanting to quit for himself. When he is ready he will take himself to meetings. Just do NOT enable him anymore, no matter what you do. We are here for you, keep coming back.
I can totally relate. I also have a son who has struggled with addiction. Sometimes as parents we have to institute "tough love". Not an easy thing, but very necessary. We had to ask our son to leave our home, at 19, with no job, no money, no car, etc. One of the hardest things we had to do as parents, but it is what got him to agree he needed help. I know addicts are very manipulative, but we need to resist and set boundaries. And then stick to those boundaries, even if it means a separation. Hang in there, be strong! I will be praying for you. May God Bless.....
