I have been doing a bit of lurking around - have attended some online meetings and have been reading these boards daily. 

I just want to say thank you to everyone who posts here on a regular basis.  I can only get to a f2f meeting about 2x a month, so this and daily reading of alanon literature is the lions portion of my program, and is truly a large part of what keeps me sane. 

I am a returning member to Alanon - after about a 6 year absence.  Despite all that I learned while in program before, I still was in enough denial to believe that once I got rid of the A in my life I would be all better.  Six years later I am married to yet another A, whom I love with all my heart and have every intention of staying with forever. 

My husband's sobriety is a slippery slope.  We have periods of time where he works his program, and all is well.  Then for no apparent reason, he chooses to drink and I choose to let that send me into crisis. 

I feel like I am brand new and am learning all about the disease of Alcoholism again.  And I am relearning how to take care of myself.  I can't believe that I have "let myself go" to this extent...and I am not talking about the superficial things.  I am talking about my sense of who I am, my serenity, my confidence, my boundaries, my detachment.  All of these things I am relearning, because I chose to give all of these things away. 

I have been guilty of all of the behaviors that are written about in all of the books.   I have: lied for him, cried, threatened, left, hidden alcohol, poured it out, smashed bottles against the side of the house, screamed, fought, withdrawn into icy silence...you get the picture. 

What led me back into the program - this time not as support for my A, but for myself, was the fact that whenever my A would do what he did, I found myself shaking and feeling sick to my stomach in total fear of what was going to happen, and in absolute blind rage.  There were so many times I wanted to actually inflict bodily harm on my husband in order to get him to see the light.  I actually went to the doctor to have tests run to see if we could find an explanation for my exhaustion and feelings of overwhelment.

I have started to have a bit of perspective and can see how I added to so many volatile situations.  I see how I fanned the flames, and in many ways, encouraged drama and fights and conflict. 

I struggle with the steps...reluctant to relinquish the illusion of control.  But I have made some progress, and have finally come to the conclusion that my health and well being and sanity is what is at stake here. I have finally realized that I have my own program that I NEED to work, that it is no longer an optional thing for me. 

This turned into a much longer post than intended, but I really want to tell you all how grateful I am for each one of you and your words.  I don't feel so alone any more, and the Experience, Strength and Hope to be found here is priceless. 

If anyone wants to correspond with me privately, that would be really cool.  I have been so hesitant to open up to any of my friends around me about this, because it is such an up and down situation, and because I believe that if you don't know about the disease, it is really hard to have empathy.  I have been so afraid that my story would get old and repetiitive, and on some levels it is.  But I could really use a friend who has been there and has some understanding of that very experience.  And maybe that is why we are all here. 

Thanks for listening.