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I am having a hard time of it today. My AH continues to push for reconciliation. Everything I say to him bounces right off of him. He refuses to accept an end to our relationship. He loves me, he'll wait for ever for me, give him another chance to make me happy, let him prove he can be the man he once was. You name it, he has given it.
It is exhausting me. All of this is through text messaging while I am work. And I got so upset at one point, the tears were flowing like crazy. This is pure madness. I don't have the energy to even respond to his last message. I don't know what to say to him.
I love this man but I am NOT IN LOVE with him. I am not even sure if I am capable of that kind of love again. I told him that. I told him that I am in a void, darkness and my heart is shattered beyond repair. I am so far past reconciliation with him. I don't want to hurt him but I am afraid that mean words will be the only way to make him see I am serious. I am not playing games, trying to get him to make me promises. I don't want his promises any more. I want his love as a very close ex husband but not as a lover, not as a husband. I want him to be the dad he never was to our kids. Not my lover.
He should be concentrating on winning our kids' forgiveness...not mine. But he puts all of his energy in winning me back...an UNattainable goal. I am dead inside for that kind of love. I don't want it from him or anyone for that matter. How can I make him see this? What can I do? What can I say? Will I have to get down right hateful, make him hate me in order to make him realize it? I don't want to hurt him. He has hurt me enough for the both of us.
Any ESH will be greatly appreciated! Sincerely, QOD
Maybe it's time to say nothing. Can you try not responding to his text messages? Then maybe try deleting without reading?
I know that is hard. Maybe you could ask for "No contact" and try to stick to you part. Not answering the phone, not answer the door, and just give yourself some space away from him.
I don't know if these options are possible. Just wanted to remind you that it is ok to do what is in your best interest. It is ok to take care of you. If he wants to see the kids, can he work it out through other visitation schedules?
Please be good to you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I agree, saying nothing may give the message in the gentlest way possible. There is no point in trying to cushion the blow, it looks like he would accept any cushioning as encouragement.
If it is possible, turn textmessaging off. Give him some message like "I'm busy right now, I'll call you in a couple of days" and then just don't answer any more. If this is wearing you down, there is not one reason on the face of this earth for you to be at his every beck and call.
I was here with my ah(sober) as well. There was a tiny bit to be salvaged in our relationship though. I wasn't sure at first but then as a little bit of time went by I knew I loved him because I didn't want him with anyone else and I really didn't think the grass was greener on the other side. So I decided to give it another chance and so far so good. I think the only thing you can do is to sit down with him and really look him in the eyes and tell him "I don't hate you, I love you but I am not in love with you and no matter what you do or what you try, it won't work. I'm so sorry" He's just going to have to accept that, he has no choice. I'm sure he'll go through the grieving stages and get mad, sad, depressed, ect. All you can do is let him know your a friend and your there to talk or if it's better for him to not see you for a while then your willing to do that too. I hope I helped. Sorry your in that spot but at least you know what you want or don't want. Good girl.
I'll agree too that silence is the best answer for that kind of pestering.
From a fellow Alanon who's A also won't let go, even mean words won't make a difference. They aren't interested in your "input", they are wrapped up in their fantasy and there's nothing you can say that will wake him up. He doesn't want to wake up. You won't hurt his feelings, there's no true feelings he's having, and besides, he'll just go use or drink to get over your words and be right back begging you for reconciliation.
I think the three C's apply just as much to his current behaviors as it does to his drinking. You can't control his fantasies or cure them, and you didn't cause them either.
How is it for you letting go of him? It sounds as if you still might be hanging on by a fingernail, but that's OK. You have let go of so much already, and when you are ready, if you want, you can let that last fingernail loose.
Again, the silences you give to his messages does two things. You get to do a concrete act, like deleting them, and you don't have to put emotional energy into a response. Therefore, more energy for you.
He does NOT have to let go of you, for you to let go of him. He may never let go, but that doesn't have to be your problem. Just take it easy on yourself, go slow and listen to your feelings. You have innumerable resources to take care of anything that comes up. And nothing he does or says is your fault. Keep up the good work, and I hope you find soon that he no longer makes you cry.
Thank you all for such wonderful sharing, insight and well....support.
I was exhausted by the end of the work day. I couldn't even concentrate on my karate last night and everyone in class noticed it. I am still drained this morning.
I am praying to my HP for the strength to ignore his text messages. I let him know last night that he was upsetting me by sending me all of them. He claims it makes HIM feel better to tell me how he is feeling. Doesn't it count that it makes ME feel bad?
The good thing is it is almost 10:00 AM Tuesday and I haven't gotten ANY messages from him yet. So that is good. :)
Thanks again for the ESH. Y'all are my rock. Sincerely, QOD
I hope I get to your point at some time. If the A said one kind word to me right now I would leap up. The fact he is so cold, mean and off means I have a chance at getting away. No doubt in time he'll be back on his seduction routine I hope by then to be safe and resolute.
