The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
OK, I know this is not the best way to make a pretty important decision, but...
My alcoholic husband has owned a small business for 10 years. During five years of that time he was not drinking. Two and half years ago he returned to drinking, and his business started sliding slowly. At this point, he needs money just to stay afloat. I pay all the household bills, so he doesn't need living expenses. And I gave his business $10K since January to meet payroll etc.
If he does not get about $5,000 today, he literally has to close up and let his employees go.
I KNOW that giving him money at this point is enabling. I KNOW it is not my job to rescue him. But it KILLS me to see him go under--my dad lost his business, wound up literally dying on the street in the Bowery when he was 43. I suppose this tape is running in my head thinking about my husband's problem, but still...
I called to inquire about raising our home equity line of credit to cover his need. Am I crazy?
I don't know about crazy but it sure doesn't sound wise. Sounds like you may be listening to old tapes in making decisions.
These are the questions I would ask myself. 1. Is the company viable given the owner's condition. 2. Has my "investment" returned ANY profit thus far. If not has my "investment" managed to enable the company to meet it's obligations.
I would treat this as a business decision. If however you can afford to lose another $5000 "investment"and it will make you feel better and you know that you can afford to lose that money and you have another $5000 to "invest" in another month if this were to happen again well then....I say do whatever you have to do to be able to look at yourself in the mirror and know you have done the right thing.
As always, take what you like and leave the rest Lilms
__________________
Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Anytime I make a decision that involves money with the A's in my family, I have to ask myself - can I give this money without resenting it at a later date?
If a few minutes, or days or years from now, I'll wish I hadn't given the money, that I would need the money, or put myself in a tough spot - then I might have to rethink my giving the money.
Just my e, s, & h.
Glad you are here - Keep coming back, Peace to You, Rita
__________________
No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
letitb, Welcome to MIP! I have been in a similar situation with my A. I've given more money than I should have and I still have regrets, BIG ones. I have a small child and regret not using the funds I wasted on my A, for her future. You said it all in your post. Giving him the money is enabling him. I believe that to be the truth and, at least for me, I have found that my enabling has helped no one, least of all my A. Instead of going to the bank, I would recommend finding a face 2 face meeting. I wish I had found this site before I agreed to the last large sum I gave and had asked your question.
This has been a great "sanity check" I love the perspective of looking at it from a true business sense... and also examining the likelihood of feeling bad and resentful about giving him money at a later date (like maybe, tomorrow!). I can tell you that I have been feeling undercurrents of anger for a few weeks now.
In any case, today is gone, and I'll find out tonight how he handled his day. I haven't done anything yet in terms of "saving" him. I saw "Funny Girl" on TV the other day and I really related to the part where she was making good money on the stage, and he was just destitute from gambling. When she tried to pitch in, he got really angry, and even her mother told her that what he needed was self-respect--not her money.
Thanks for opening your arms (and words of wisdom) to me..
I think you do have to think whether you will regret it later or whether it will be the right thing for you, I pumped money into two brothers, for one I regret it as it made his alcoholism progress, for the other I don't as he tends to pay me back on occasion, this sounds strange but should you put the money in, make sure you keep all receipts, it might make a difference later, I will keep you in my prayers and hope that things work out for you and whatever decision you make.
And then, God forbid, losing his business might be his wake up call to get sober again.
Many alcoholics don't have to lose everything before they wake up and get sober. Some seem to have no bottom at all, and it sounds like your father was one of them. Your husband, I pray, may 'wake up' long before your father did, it's very individual.
In the meantime, saving his neck from his own carelessness might be the worst thing you could do for him.
Alcoholism seems to be a 'disease' of refusing to suffer the consequences of your actions. When we rescue them so they don't suffer, we are acting like the booze itself. I try real hard in my own relationship not to be the booze :D .
When we save an alcoholic, we are only helping the disease. Making it comfortable.
When we love an A and live with them, I feel we need to protect ourselves financially, vehicle wise, homewise. NO different that if they had cancer. As he cont. to use he will get worse and worse. If we do not protect ourselves, he will get sicker, lose his income, if we are not prepared to support him, we can lose everything.
When we protect ourselves and he gets sicker, there is less resentment on our part. We concentrate on our family, our home. We allow the A the dignity of taking care of his disease himself.
I stopped even talking about it to him. He knows what to do, he knows how he feels.
I mean this, it is my experience to NEVER give money or anything to an A.
The decision will have to be yours and yours alone and you have gotten some excellent comments in the previous posts.
Here is what I do....When faced with a decision of whether or not to do something, if I have to think about it then the answer is NO. So far it has worked out well.
__________________
Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
