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Hi. I am new to this forum and just wanted to introduce myself. Actually, I am feeling alone and frustrated and am very much feeling like I need to vent. I have been married to my AH for almost 15 years and he has tried to quit drinking many times over the the years. In October ('06) he decided to quit again, but this time he started attending AA meetings. I thought "Great, he is finally serious this time." Yeah, right! He is attending AA meetings about once a month and he is still drinking in the very controlled manner that I have witness from him in the past. It usually starts this way, he rewards himself for obstaining. Then it progesses to more and more. I am sure most of you are familiar with this pattern.
I have been detaching slowly from him, because I am tired of how his illness effects our family. He is having a hard time accepting my detachment. This is what I expected though. He wants to me behave and act like we are a loving, normal couple like I have been doing for the past 15 years. Well, I can not do it anymore. I know that I am not realy asking a question, If anyone has any words of encouragement and could send me in a direction where I could seek help, I would appreciate it.
Welcome to our MIP family. So very glad you are reaching out for help for YOU. No matter what he does - You deserve to live happy, joyous and free. As many of our members here can tell you - they are able to do that whether the A's in there lives our still drinking or not.
Are you attending any Al-Anon meetings (f2f or on-line)? If not, I would encourage you to give it a try. I have really gotten a lot from my f2f meetings. Others have shared how much they enjoy the on-line meetings. Also reading Al-Anon literature, and other recovery oriented literature is great.
Most of all, I hope that you keep coming back here - don't give up before the miracles happen in you - You deserve them.
Peace to you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Good Morning Denorapy, I have heard in many f2f meetings that it is OK to love an alcoholic. I have never been in your shoes but I can tell you what I have done for myself.
I am dealing with an Alcoholic/drug addict son. When I went to my first meeting they told me that I was there to fix me not him. I did not realize just how sick I was until after I had been in program for awhile. In my case once I started working on me and worked the program my son either got better or at least he didn't drop all of his woes in my lap. He still slips occasionally and calls for encouragement but today he get's program not mommy. I make sure that he knows that I love him but I will not take responsibility for fixing the problems his addiction causes for him. It's hard to deal with sometimes but when it gets tough I either call my sponsor or someone on the phone list from my home group. I do what I have to do for me and it makes life easier to handle.
Just this past week I attended 5 f2f meetings( 2 Al-Anon, 1 Naranon and 2 open AA) and I doubt seriously if my son attended one. But that is ok, my HP is working with me and I know I will be ok.
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Everything I have ever let go of has claw marks all over it.
Thank you both for the responses. I have been wanting to attend f2f meetings, but I am afraid of what my husbands reaction will be. Not only is he working on recovery for alcohol, but he has been on Methadone for 2 1/2 months, trying to get clean from abusing pain killers. I am going to try chat sessions and see how that works.
A lot of people don't go to f2f because they are afraid of what the A's reaction will be. Some lie about where they are going. Some go anyway, and finding the strength to say to the A "This has nothing to do with you, it's about ME" is a first small step towards getting themselves back. Emotional and even physical abuse, blaming everything on the non drinking partner - these are all common symptoms of alcoholism. For some of us, realizing how we have allowed ourselves to be bullied, and putting a stop to it, helps us gets our lives back. For others, the realization, and the realization that we are afraid to fight back, shows us how necessary it is to fix ourselves, and get ourselves healthy enough that we believe we have a right to take care of ourselves.
No matter what point on this scale you find yourself, alanon can help you. If you can't manage f2f right now, come to our online meetings, or just read some of our literature, and other recovery literature, such as Toby Rice Drew's "Getting them Sober" (which is not about getting them sober, but about getting yourself sane). If you put some of the tools you learn into use, things will get better, bit by bit. Or, they will get worse enough that you truly understand how badly off you are and make some changes. Anger, and the "I've had it" feeling are sometimes your friends.
Oh, meant to add, if he is attending AA, he could ask some of the guys there about alanon. In general, they will tell him that if their wives are in alanon, their own lives are better. She gets her nose out of his program, takes responsibility for her own recovery.
I have been part of this mip family for 2 yrs even though it says newbie the page goofed on my screen name and when I reentered it any how My name is Rae Ann I have been married to my A for almost 15 yrs it will be in Sept. I am in the process of Divorce I seperated from my A last Jan. and he moved out Feb. of 06 he had the same pattern I have done the probation, loss of driving twice,detox,jail ect.my 3 children suffered as well as I. When I married he adopted my two oldest children who at the time were 3 & 2 now 18 and 17. Together my spouse and I have a 7 yr old. While my husband was in jail back in Oct. of 05 I met this man 12 yrs younger than I am my hubby was 8 older to paint the pic. my hubby is now 47 I am 39 and my new man is 26.I was only friends with this young man sharing a friendship he himself was ending a bad relationship of 3 yrs, in Jan. I started seeing him and fell for him a few weeks later my spouse moved out, I turned to my family here and f2f for help I just added my 4th child to my family with my new man who is not an A I am so in love and happy I never new anything other than A relationships through the years from one to the next then I married one great guy but an A never the less...I still get calls from the hosp. twice and police once since we split, I don't know what is best for you only you can seek your happiness, I do know that there is happiness and people who love you here anytime of day. The 3 c's in this program will help and also the steps but 1st One day at a time, we welcome you please come to our online meetings and open chat we are always willing to lend an ear or for you just to listen take care vent away and you could not ask for a better family than these people for we have stood and some still stand where you are...We love you take care Rae Ann aka cloud in the mip room
