The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight, as I did those little things to take care of myself--made a plan for tomorrow, made lunch, relaxed soaking my feet in bath oil and read a magazine, I was reminded of how important it is to do these little things for myself. I feel better tonight, these types of things give me a lift! Too often, I think I can't have serenity in my life until I do some kind of grand gesture LOL.
Tonight, as I was thinking about how helpful these little kindness toward myself can be I remembered how once I shared with a friend that I was pining for a spiritual retreat, to go away for a few days or weeks to really get centered. She suggested that instead of waiting for that far-off retreat, that I start taking a few minutes each day to get quiet and get in touch with my HP. Internally, I was doubtful--could a few minutes really make ANY difference at all? My life was SO complicated, how could any healing come from something so small? But, despite my doubts, I tried it. Every day, whenever I felt the pull to quiet myself, I lit some candles and sat in my special spot that I had reserved for this quiet time. I didn't make a big deal of it, I didn't make a huge schedule for all the times I was going to do this, I didn't set any parameters for how long I needed to sit, I just sat down and quieted myself. I didn't read, or try to fix myself or anything else. I simply sat, quieted myself, sat still and listened. I did this every day for a year. Over time, I felt that still, quiet current that runs through all of us, and I felt centered and better able to tackle the challenges in my life. Most importantly, I felt connected to myself and my HP.
After the first year of sitting, I moved and got away from this practice. But, recently in my life, I feel led back to it. And I have been spending little parts of each day tuning in to the serenity that is always available to each of us simply by getting quiet, and tuning into the serenity. This pull to get quiet comes after the last few months when I have read, read, read, and tried, tried, tried to fix things in myself and in others. As an ACOA, I find it comforting that perhaps, at least for a little bit each day, I don't have to DO ANYTHING, I don't have to KNOW ANYTHING, I don't have to SAY anything, I can simply rest, and have confidence that I am in my HPs hands.
In the very worst drinking days, when he was coming home completely legless maybe five nights out of the seven (too hungover to drink the other two) I started doing yoga every evening before bed.
I was able to keep it together more or less well enough when the kids were awake, but once I had put them to bed, I'd gravitate to the window, sit there looking out, wondering where he was, when he'd get home, how drunk he'd be, wishing he'd come home, dreading that he'd come home - you guys know what I mean. So I made decision that instead of that, I'd spend some time doing something healthier. I had a yoga book with progressive excercises - it was all laid out, step by step, do this on day one, this on day three..... The whole thing took anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour, and then I would go to bed.
It made an enormous difference. I was able to get some sleep, so that when he got home and woke me up to yell at me, I had at least had SOME rest. If he came home while I was doing it, he would usually leave me alone - nice for him too, to see me absorbed in something of my own, rather than laying in wait for him. He'd mostly just go and pass out, and I could then either go to bed, or sleep on the couch, but at least no fight before bedtime. I was calmer, and felt better about myself. And mostly, I was spending that time doing something good for myself, rather than fretting about him (which had never done any good anyway)
I'd recommend that short 'centering' time to anybody feeling frazzled - it really does help.
Good girl. When I first came to al anon I always heard "take care of yourself" and I didn't really get it. Then I decided I'm going to lose weight, off I went and I have lost thirty pounds, then I said "why not get a new hair style" so I did, then "why not some new clothes" so I did.......then it hit me THIS is what it means to take care of myself, I am supposed to better myself. OMG........why was that so hard to figure out. I just thought I was supposed to keep myself safe from my ah not actually put me first. I'm so proud of you. Keep going
BlueCloud, I really resonate with your posts!! I look forward to them a bunch.
Since I've been focussing on and using Alanon principles these last two months, I've noticed the first 'thing' to go is my self care. When it hits me the A is 'doing his thing' again, there are a couple of days where I unravel -- a bit. I'm self talking recovery stuff to myself the whole time, and rather than get angry with myself for frazzling a bit, I go easy on me and tell myself I will certainly not go down, and whether I feel like it or not, go do something super simple that brings me joy. A few of these little jump starts is all it takes, and I am bustling about with renewed energy, and able to detach from whatever the A is doing pretty well.
Though I may not post daily, I read this forum and another Alanon forum DAILY, and check in several times a day for new posts and responses. This has been a consistent self care task, even on those frazzled days where I feel depressed and low energy.
I'm fortunate to have a menagerie that by it's nature pulls me far out of myself. Because I've been codependent my entire life :D I have a talent for taking care of people and creatures. I was an RN for almost 20 years, and there is a certain joy in making sure my animals are happy and about their business. For me, taking out all the sick and dysfunctional aspects of caretaking becomes a joy in being someone's Mama. OK, I'm a hardcore Cancer, and I find great satisfaction in mothering :D .
"Mothering" Kim herself is harder. I'm learning what she loves and needs all over again. She LOVES stupid comedy movies, Discovery Channel, doing paint by numbers, and being physically active. I mucked out the goat barn yesterday, the poo and straw were a foot deep, and I was gasping, panting, and WHOOPED but seeing my girls lounging on clean sweetsmelling straw made it worth it. AND, I must say, I'm not even sore this morning!! I feel invigorated and strong.
