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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> The end of a relationship with an alcoholic
Post Info TOPIC: The end of a relationship with an alcoholic
HEARTBROKEN IN NJ


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The end of a relationship with an alcoholic
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I am a woman in my late 30's who is currently going through a very drawn out divorce with a verbally abusive and sometimes physically abusive man. My husband was not an alcoholic or a drug user. Divorce papers were filed over this past summer after we were seperated for 8 months.

i had been involved with another man, who is in his 30's,  for almost a year (met while i was seperated from my husband) who has been an alcoholic/drug user for over 15 years. at first i did not know he had a drug and alcohol addiction. I just thought he was a social drinker (I had no idea he was using drugs) i came to love this man with all my heart and still do to this day.  i loved him when i discovered that he was actively drinking 6 days a week, when i discovered that he was using drugs (although he never came out and admitted his relapse on drug use until recently) .  he is also bi-polar and used to take medication to stabilize his moods. since completing the 12 steps of aa, he is beginning to wean his body off the bi-polar medication (which i think is a bad idea)

i loved him through it all, through all his ups and downs. he claims that his bi-polar disorder is a direct result of his alcohol abuse. recently he committed himself to aa and the completion of the 12 steps.  he completed his steps and now lives his life according to the guidelines of aa.  He believes that Christ will look out for him now and that the only people that can be a part of his life are those people in AA with him.

i have to add, although he was using drugs and drinking excessively, he was never physically abusive to me. he wasnt verbally abusive to me either.  sometimes he just needed to "vent" which i believe is ok to do and can help a stressful situation.

my "problem" if you can call it that, is that now that he has completed his 12 steps (rather quickly from all that i've read)  he has decided that we can not continue our relationship.  this came out of nowhere. From all my knowledge about AA and the first year of sobriety, it states that you shouldnt begin a new relationship during the first year.  I havent read anywhere that you should end any relationship that you are in. I have read that during the first year you shouldnt make any drastic changes in your life, aside from not drinking/using drugs.  When he told me that we couldnt continue our relationship, it certainly was a complete shock to me and has for the most part left me devastated.  there are so many unanswered questions i have and i know that we need to sit down and talk, face to face. i'm not sure he'd even sit down with me to discuss this. Sometimes I feel like he wants to remain friends but yet he never asks to see me or to talk. Once in a while he'll leave me a message, or send a txt message to my phone. I miss him and its only been 4 weeks that our relationship ended.  He claims that the stress of my divorce is too much for him to deal with, and i hardly share any of the details with him for just that reason.  I dont want him to have any added stress.  He says that if the situation, with my divorce, stresses him out, he may pick up a bottle and the past months he's been sober will have been a waste of time and effort. How could be put the blame on me for drinking, when all I've done is stand by this man for the past year?

i stood by him for almost a year, often walking on eggshells for the simple fear of upsetting him or being a reason for him to "go off the deep end" and now that he is getting his life back in order, he ends our relationship!!

i am completely confused.  i gave my all to this man for 7 months before he decided that he was going to join aa again (he's been in the program at least 4 times previously, but always seems to have relapses)  i stuck by his side for another 4 1/2 months while he was religiously going to his aa meetings, weekend getaways with his sponsor, etc.  and now he decides that we can't continue our relationship? as i said, from what i gather he is blaming it on the stress my divorce puts on things.  what about the stress i went through while he was a drunk, a druggie and now that his whole life revolves around aa? does that stress that was on me not matter?  does it say somewhere in the aa steps that you need to disolve any relationship you're in?  i am very confused.  i dont know if he just needs his space to concentrate on aa and his recovery, or if he just kept me around because no one else would put up with him during the past year.  he used to always say that he loved me, but for the most part, that stopped when he actively joined the program.

please offer some kind of explanation for his behavior.  this could be completely normal for someone in the aa program, but i am not accustomed to it, or to the way an alcoholic mind works.  maybe part of the 12 steps includes letting go of your relationships, if that is the case, i could better accept this life without him.  i only want whats best for him and will love him til the day i die.

Yes as the days go by, it gets easier for me.  But, I still miss him and think of him often.

i dont know if there is a book out there on aa and its effect of relationships, but if there is i would appreciate information on this such book.

heartbroken in nj


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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
Diva


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Heartbroken, sometimes relationships end.  Whether it is written in AA literature or not doesn't matter.  I believe he has made it clear to you that he wants to end this relationship, so, hard as it is, it is probably time to face the music and go on. Talking to him about it face to face is not worth the time it takes.  Perhaps it would be better for you to make your way through the divorce you are involved in before setting about a new affair.  Try not to put yourself down.  It was what it was, and now it's over.  These thing happen.  I wish you well.  Come back any time.  There is always someone here who cares.

Diva

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maresie2


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What a phenomenal post what a lot of insight you have. Of course I can't tell you why. I can tell you that living with a recovering alcoholic can be hard. I did once 10 years ago.   He was totally immersed in AA. Lately I have been thinking about him.

I am glad you are here. This is a great great great place. I've been here 18 months.  This place has saved my life. I am leaning very hard on it right now and receive so much love and support. I hope you wil make sure of it.

Maresie.

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maresie
HEARTBROKEN IN NJ


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The day I found out he had issues with alcohol I didnt run away despite 90% of my closest friends and family strongly urging me to. He's made comments to me since our "breakup" that leads me to believe that not only is he battling with his sobriety, he is also battling with the decision he made to end what we shared. He asked for space, I gave him space. It was so hard not to call him today, just to say Happy Easter. I have remained close with his family and they all called today to say Happy Easter. There was no mention of "him" though. I know some days with him are difficult for his family and didnt want to get into it with them on the holiday.

One day at a time I suppose. I refuse to sit around thinking about him though. I need to take care of me. The past year I've been giving my all to him and neglecting my family and friends. That was a lesson learned. Family and friends will always be there for you and NEVER EVER ignore them.

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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
Cucamonga


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Dear Broken Heart in New Jersey,

Our HP works in miraculous ways, yet we sometimes question the blessing our HP heaps on us.

Your HP gave you a wonderful blessing of NOT staying in a relationship with an Alcoholic!  Not having kids with an A.  Not being married to an A.  Not being in a relationship of many years with an A.

Count your blessings, gather your friends and family, and have a great party to celebrate your dodging a devastating, demorilazing bullet.  Your are a very LUCKY woman!  Your HP is working full time and some.

No matter what your fantasies may be telling you, the reality is that this is not a NICE man!  This is not a man that cares much about your feelings.  This is a selfish and self centered man, exhibiting ALL the typical traits of addicts.

Congratulations on having such a wonderful caring loving HP.smile

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bobump


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I'm going to take a different aproach than Cucamonga.

I have no way of knowing what makes this A/Addict tick.  Of course many of the negative character defects that were mentioned are typical.  There are many character defects that are associated with Al-anons too.  There are also many character assets exhibited by individuals in both programs.

Why did he end it?  Maybe you'll never know.  Maybe even he doesn't know the real reason.  Maybe he couldn't handle any stress right now.  Maybe he didn't care.  It's also possible that his self-esteem is enough that he thought he didn't deserve you and he would do you the favor of ending it.  You just don't know. 

For as many insights as you have, you sound as if you have the makings of some tools to deal w/ what you've been dealth.  Al-anon is for friends and families of alcoholics.  It sounds like you are affected by someone elses drinking.

One of the tools you mentioned was taking care of yourself.  Al-anon offers a program of yourown to do just that.  :)

I'm in NJ myself.  You can find meetings at
http://www.nj-al-anon.org/Meetings.htm
and
http://www.northjerseyal-anon.org/meeting.htm

I attend meetings mostly in Sussex County and occasionally in Morris county if you have any questions, feel free to send me a PM.

Thanks,
Bob


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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are!  (added by me...in that special alanon way)
Kim65


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Heartbroken; in spite of your pain, you sound like a strong woman with insight, and that will serve you well in this hard time.

Please don't immediately assume there is something wrong with YOU. An alcoholic/addict in recovery is certainly no judge of your character!

What you did for him was kindness and compassion. It is not unusual in the least to give give give to an addict and receive nada in return. So newly in recovery, he needs all his resources for him.

We don't tend to offer advice . . . but I gotta say, halfway through reading your post I thought RUN GIRL! And then was relieved FOR YOU that he called off the relationship. Those of us in and out of relationships with actively using alcoholics and addicts wouldn't wish this on someone else, and though it will be nice to have you with us I hate to see you pine away when you probably just avoided a disaster.

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abbyal


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the only explanation I could give is that he is what I lovingly call Stark Raving Sober. and unfortunatly they make some pretty screwed up decissions in early sobriety .  You could use this time to find meetings for yourself you too need to recover from this disease.   You seem to well informed about AA program now get involved in a program for you  and leave him to AA . goodluck  Louise

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HEARTBROKEN IN NJ


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I guess in a way it is a blessing that this has all happened. Unfortunately I'll probably never have the answers I am looking for.  Everything ended so quickly.  Thinking back, it may very well be partially my fault.  The week before our relationship ended I was dealing with a difficult situation and instead of talking to him about it I pretty much stayed to myself.  I couldnt discuss it with him for fear that it would stress him out, again "walking on eggshells".  I never want to be an excuse for his drinking. 

We had talked about taking our relationship further only a few weeks before our breakup.  We talked about having a baby eventually.  My response was that he needed to be in the right frame of mind and that it wouldnt be fair to bring an innocent child into a situation like this.  He needed to be sober and just because he is in AA now and has completed his AA Steps, this is not a guarantee that he will stay sober.  As I originally stated in my first post, he has been through the AA program at least 4 times previous to this time.  Each time he lasts a few months, and then reverts to drinking and drugging. 

Thinking back I get a kick out his friends coming to him for relationship advice.  This is the last person that should be offering advice on relationships.  How can someone that doesnt think clearly offer relationship advice?

I will admit, I wanted to end this relationship at times during the past year. It was just getting to be too much for me.  With all his ups and downs. It was exhausting to me. I was putting more time into him than I was into my children. That was wrong and is the one thing I truly feel guilty about. Now my children have their mom back, a weak and sad mom now, but I'll bounce back.

In the past year, I never knew what speed bump we'd hit in our relationship, or in what pot hole he'd fall in to.   I think the reason I stayed was because I thought I could change him. I am a mother of 3 children and I am a very nurturing person. I wanted him better!!  It was almost like I had a 4th child, in his 30's. 

One of the hardest parts of this whole breakup is that my children see me so upset.  They knew I was involved with him, but I never let them meet him.  I wasnt comfortable with it.  I wanted him to be sober for a longer period of time before I allowed him to meet my children.  His own sister told me not to let him around my kids because his mental state wasnt good; too many ups and downs especially with his Bi-Polar disorder.  Children are often influenced by adults, and I didnt want them to be influenced by him.  It was just a matter of time though before I let him into their lives.  He seemed to be doing really well with his sobriety and his manic and depressive states.

Although I will never forget this man and he will always be in my heart, I need closure.  I would like to know why he decided to end our relationship.  I probably will never get the answers I am searching for.

Dating an alcoholic is a stressful task.  Loving one is an even more difficult task.  Unfortunately sometimes we dont know why we fall in love with the people we do. Perhaps God brought us together because He knew that my boyfriend would need a strong person in his life to finally achieve sobriety.  And perhaps now that he is on his way (again) God guided us apart because I wasnt needed in his life anymore.  I know, deep in my heart, that I was one of the reasons he got back into the program. I "held his hand" for so many months, trying to keep him strong and focused. Maybe now its time he does this alone. Or maybe, he's about to fall off the wagon again and God knew it would be too much for me to deal with emotionally.  Whatever the reason is though,  all things happen for a reason and although we dont always know the reasoning for things, we have to accept them. 

Day by day this will get better.  Somedays I am sad, and somedays I am angry. This I think is all a normal part of the healing process for me.

I hope he gets better.  I hope he finally conquers this disease. Maybe one day our paths will cross again.  If not, there's a reason they didnt.

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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
bobump


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HEARTBROKEN IN NJ wrote:

I think the reason I stayed was because I thought I could change him. I am a mother of 3 children and I am a very nurturing person. I wanted him better!!  It was almost like I had a 4th child, in his 30's. 

Heartbroken,

That is an insight that it takes some in the program years to come to even realize.  I believe this is me to a many ways..  I knew my A had all kinds of issues, what I believed to be minor alcohol issues, to mental issues.  I thought I could change those.  My A is also a victim of sexual abuse as a child.  So was my Mom.  I thought...hey I grew up w/ someone like this, I understand her, I can help her.

All I did was pick something comfortable and that dysfunctionally met my needs. 

There is kinda a running gag I hear by some Al-anon's.  That is 'my picker is broke'.  Why do I pick these people.  I truly believe that if we get healthier, we may attract healthier people into our lives.  Again, another wonderful possibility by working this program.

I hope you check out the meeting list, find a few local meetings and check us out.  Go to as many different meetings as you can.  Each has it's own personality and flavor.

Bob



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You are a perfect child of God and God and I love you just the way you are!  (added by me...in that special alanon way)
ally


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(((((((((((((((((heartbroken))))))))))))))))))

I'm just comming out of a relationship with a recovering A. He's been sober six years in AA. He is scared of commitment. And we are struggling to maintain the friendship we have held for twenty years.....OMG, its so hard, I love him so much...But he does not have it to give me in return...

When he started AA, we had a moment together, and something could have came from it. He now tells me he had to put HIM first for his recovery..I was pushed aside for a few years as he worked his programme...We have always remained friends and have just had three months of a physical relationship.... It's so weird..One min, he doesn't want it, then he texts me...lol This is the personallity I think..

As for you, just give it time, things could resolve themselves...Just remember this is NOT about you, or the stress of your divorce, this is about HIM......

As for him completing the 12 steps, well I would guess he has not done them all wholeheartedly....Maybe I'm wrong???

YOU need to get in the programme for YOU, Leave him to AA, you commit yourself to Al-Anon...

By the way I am laughing right now....I am pointing you in the right direction as I do with lots of people.. But guess what...I can't do this for myself....lol

Love your in recovery

Ally

P.S. We have a chatroom in here, PLEASE come and join us, you will get so much more support than you could ever imigine......

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HEARTBROKEN IN NJ


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Ally

I wish I knew more about this "disease".  I often wish that I could get into the head of an alcoholic just to see how they view things.  Especially relationships.  I love this man with all my heart and will to the day I die.  He had made a comment to me after our "breakup" that I can't help to hear over and over again in my head.  He said, "I don't think Gods plan was for us to only be friends, I think he put us together for more than that but I just dont know" This comment leaves me thinking that he knows we were meant to be together.  I certainly believe this is true.  We had such an incredible friendship and the times we shared together were wonderful, most of the time.  We've been through soooooo much together in the past year.  Sure some things were trying to say the least, but we never argued or even had a fight.  I just wish that I could understand why he ended it.  I know he needs to dedicate himself to the program to conquer his alcoholism, but I wish he knew how much I loved him and would let me stand by him as he deals with this. He often said that he knew how much I cared about him, that I was one of the only people that TRULY cared about him and his well being.  I miss him so much and although I think I'm dealing with it better and better each day that passes, I can't help but to think about him all the time. Sometimes at night I just lay in bed and cry.  I wonder how his is, what he's doing and of course I cant help to wonder if maybe he met someone else that can give him something that I couldnt.  Perhaps he is with someone in the program.  Perhaps if he is, he feels that they will relate to him better than I could. Although in the past he has always said that he would never involve himself with someone in the program.  I just dont know. Although he says that he isnt with anyone else, I cant help but wonder is he is being truthful.

Please let me know about the chatroom you mentioned.

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Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want, doesn't mean that they don't love you the best way they know how
lin0606


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One thing that those of us who have spend many years with alcoholics have learned is that it is a waste of time trying to figure them out.  A big part of alanon is helping us learn to stop hitting our heads against a brick wall.

Reading your posts, what comes through is that both of you - he AND you - have gone through enormous emotional upheavals in the last while.  Massive change, much of it difficult.  Turn those nurturing powers on yourself for a while - heal yourself from your marriage, help your children heal.  They have also gone through hell, from the description of your marriage.  When you are better, you will attract and be attracted to healthier people - and who knows, if he is still working his recovery hard, five years from now, it could be him.  For now, focus on yourself.  From the sound of it, you were neglecting dealing fully, emotionally, with your divorce for fear of what it would do to him. Not good for you.  Both of you have big stuff to do, and no extra emotional energy for a difficult relationship.

And I agree with Diva - relationships end.  Happens all the time, seldom has a reason.  Put it down to timing, if you need a reason.  Nobody's fault, just both of you have more important things to deal with just now.

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Cucamonga


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Dear Heartbroken in New Jersey,

It's me again.  Please believe me that I totally feel for you.  I too 4 months ago was where you are today.  It is very painful, and emptying of the soul.

The hurt is nearly unbearable.  You must move on!  Your HP is working overtime for you.  The longer you stay around here and read more posts, the more you will realize how lucky and how intelligent you are.

You are lucky that you did not marry or have baby with this A.
You are intelligent that you did not expose your kids to this A.

As has been said by others, focus on you. Learn the AlAnon way.  You will find serenity here.  Get out of yourself.  Do not wallow in self pitty and what could have beens.

An old lady in one of my first face to face meetings told me the 3 Cs.  I did not CAUSE the alcoholism to happen.  I cannot CONTROL the alcoholism.  I cannot CURE the Alcoholism.  But I can control and cure myself.  I can re-assure myself that I am a good person deserving of all that life has to offer.

I am by tendency a rescuer.biggrin  You sound like all of us here that you are a rescuer too.  Our serenity starts when we stop rescuing and we start healing the alanon way.

Wishing you the peace that only you can give to yourself.smile

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