The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
At Easter every year my parents used to have some of my Uncles over from another country. No expense was spared for them. They had the best food, the best service. My mother awoke from her depression, she cooked, cleaned and played nice. Normally she was incredibly depressed, resentful angry and plain withdrawn. My Uncles brought us dollar chains and they were revered like they were antiques. They stayed for two weeks. That means for me two weeks of sitting in the kitchen, slaving over cleaning and being told how wonderful my Uncles were. My elder sister (who was idolised) was the one they took on all their outings. She sat and ate the fine food on the best china (I never saw it otherwise). My mother and my younger sister and I sat in the kitchen like we were servants.
Click on decades later. The A is facing imminent eviction. What does he do he moves in a homeless couple, he does work with the guy. They take over the kitchen summarily. They cook and eat and monopolise the bathroom. She sits around all day saying at some point I don't know when she is going to help pack. In fact that's what they tell anyone who asks they are "helping". Not one stitch of the A's has been packed. He has not even put one thing in a box. He has a full two bedrooms full of junk, a garage (well he doens't have a garage any more but a yard full of tools and ladders and stuff to do with being an electrician). He has plants his mother gave him that he thinks he can sell in two seconds somehow magicaly. He has two cars that are essentially immobile. Meantime I am the b-tch because I am not in their shared denial about how it is all going to just fall into place without a hitch. I had one bedroom full of my things. Its taken me a full three weeks to pack it, sort it out, let go of a lot of it. I have one more load to go to my place. And of course I have to beg for a ride in my own truck because he needs it to square around his new friends who are out shopping for food at every opportunity.
I feel like I am in a time warp. Whatever I take he complains about it oh you moved, oh you packed, oh how terrible. I am now down to moving my dishes and my pots and pans. I am not going to take all of them but I am sure it is going to disturb their focus on food and their denial.
Obviously the homeless couple want to spin it all out as long as possible. They talk about having friends and various other places to stay. I believe they have run out of options. I know I have run out of the option of dealing with the A's compulsivity around this issue. This isn't the first time he's brought people into our house and gave them carte blanche. This is about the sixth. I've spoken to him about it over and over. I don't dislike this couple. I know what it is to survive. I don't survive anymore by invading others space. I survive by recovery and by being willing to work on my patterns. No matter what happens, no matter what consequence the A has always someone to blame and its usually me. I am not willing to take the brunt of it anymore. I am not willing to be used and invaded and told that I have no needs. I deserve more and for me the way to get more is unfortunately letting go of so much including for now daily life with my dogs. In time I will have a different life but for now I have to learn and listen and observe and change and change is very very painful.
I keep thinking in a year or so I'll have transitioned from this. I've have my own space, a larger space than the cupboard I have now. I'll have my cats. I'll have a life. Right now I'll have none, its fear, anger, sadness, frustration 24/7. And for me its a big big repeat of the past where my needs are totally denied and people I don't even know get absolute priority over me.
Oh my dear friend, I'm sooo sorry you have to go through this!! I know how hard it is starting out again, it seems that no matter which way you turn, there are obsticals. I wish I could come help you, but all I can offer you is my love and prayers. You are a wonderful lady and deserve so much better! I pray for a much happier future for you. When I was in much the same situation, it seemed I'd never be happy again. I pictured my kids and I living in a shack, having to give up my beloved horse... but my HP stepped in, I found a job, was able to keep my house, and even paid off my mortgage all by myself. I certainly wasn't easy, but HP will never give you more than you can handle, I promise. Sometimes, I remember talking to my HP and saying "OK Lord, I know hardships make you stronger, but Lord, just how strong do I need to be?" My prayers, love and warm wishes are with you through this hard time, have Faith, better days are coming! Much Love, TLC
Well, for one, you can set deadlines with this couple. You can say, "As of now, consider yourself notified. This is my house too. You must be out of here by this time. Please make proper arraingements." You can also set deadlines with your husband. "As of now, consider yourself notified. You have until this day to get yourself packed. Please make proper arraingements." And then make the proper arraingements. Register with the courts. Notify the police. Call the proper authorities. See what, legally, can be done. And, after that, make sure your own stuff is together. Get yourself packed and ready to leave. And if your husband or the couple isn't gone, I'm sure the powers that be will be happy to take care of the details.
Well I amout of there. I moved the last but one load today. I have to move the computer and maybe a few dishes after that. I can do that on my own if necessary. I also have to take my cats so I am largely gone. I can't get anything remotely coherent out of the A. I stopped trying.
The courts are already in the picture. It is a matter of weeks and the A knows it. He is the greatest procrastinator and will not do anything till the last minute. Its on him not on me anymore. I am beginning to feel something close to relief but grief still overpowers me.
You sound like through this difficult time you are maintaining a sense of balance for yourself. Your courage and strength are impressive.
Repeating patterns. It sounds like maybe you've changed your pattern this time to some degree that only you know. Progress. Thank you ... your share was so very meaningful to me.
