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My life has been really good the last few weeks...Because it's mostly been about me.. I have been putting myself first, for a change. I have been setting up my new group, and feeling really pleased with myself. Chairing meetings, and doing good with them..
I have a thyroid condition that wont control easy..And this week I feel it is pulling me down again. I have no energy, I'm really tired, etc.
Also I have been speaking to my sponsors, and they have both been telling me how great I'm doing in my recovery. I'm doing the right things. I feel different, and I have a bit of self-worth, self-esteem, etc....It's what I have wanted for so long...And I was starting to feel really happy..
I have been going over the past few days, thinking about my relationship with my friend...How it all turned from close friends into physical, how we were happy enough with eachother, how he got scared, how I felt rejected, useless, etc...
We are back on talking terms, and in one sense, it's like nothing has changed between us. We are just me and him, as always.... But something has changed, and I think we are both feeling it. He is kind of shutting himself away, doing things he normally does to distract him, not going to meetings, he has not done a meeting for a few months since it ended between us...
I am suffering with this. It's really hurting me, I see him, I see his hurt, his pain, he's not happy. And I am totally powerless to do anything about this.. I keep telling myself, "Let it go", he knows where I am, if he needs me... But OMG, this is so painful...I'm not going hysterical and crying the way I did before. But I'm letting these feelings affect my growth... I just want to go see him, put my arms round him and say, "It's gonna be okay"......
I love him so much, It's only now I can see just how much...Most of the obsessions are away, now I just have a feeling inside my heart, that breaks when I see him so unhappy.... I want to be there for him, also I dont want to be there all the time, if you understand what I mean...
How can I get by this one...He knows how I feel about him.But he wont let anyone near him........
Anyone got any wisdom on this.....Will this get any better for me.
Ally, it did get better for me. It got a lot worse for him before he finally found a community house to live in.
My best ESH I have to offer you: If you can't stay strong for your own sake, then perhaps you can stay strong for you and him by thinking the way I had to at the time: I am leaving him in the care of *his* higher power. It will not benefit me to have contact at this time. I need to heal from my own disease that brought me to Al-Anon. I trust that his higher power is able to take better care of him than I possibly could; I have demonstrated over and over again that *I* am not able to "fix" him or even to "help" him to heal/recover. I trust his higher power to comfort him and lead him to what will comfort him in a healthy way. Having turned him over to the care of his higher power, I turn back to work my own program so that I may heal more from the effects of my own disease that brought me to Al-Anon.
It was very hard for me to keep the focus on myself at that time. I had to do it over and over throughout the day: release him once again into the care of his higher power, turn my focus back to working my own program.
I don't know if it's "easier" for an alcoholic in recovery than for the family, but perhaps his work is more cut & dried. Once sober, it's usually not too hard for an alcoholic to discover his own character defects. But for those of us on the codependent side, much of what we have done in the past we may feel is right and correct, or was necessary under the circumstances. Whether it was enabling our alcoholic, or defending them, or simply the compensation we took on for the sake of the rest of the family, keeping up appearances... all these things we tend to view as great strengths, not character defects. Sorting them all out is much more difficult - in part because we don't have the physical recovery the alcoholic experiences.
Having been both... alcoholics in early recovery experience something we call the "pink cloud". After a few weeks/months of sobriety, the body begins to heal, the head clears, the withdrawal symptoms and craving fade, and there is a feeling of having "arrived". This is well and good, but once the pink cloud turns gray and starts raining, that's when the real work begins.
For the Alanon who loves an alcoholic, both periods can be terribly difficult. When the A is on the pink cloud, we think "Well whoopeee doo for the alcoholic, what about ME??" Then when the rain comes, the A has some difficult learning and it's still all about the A... from his or her perspective.
What about ME? Yes, there is a Pink Cloud of Alanon too! It may be a little less dramatic but it does happen. With or without the A.
I had my AA pink cloud a long time ago. And I've been in Alanon for some years now as well, but sometimes I think I'm just now getting my Alanon pink cloud...
I can "hear" your pain, but to me you CAN do something for your friend. You can pray for him and take your hands off him and let his HP have him. In doing that, you will doing him a great favor and at the same time, you will be doing something for yourself as well. He has to take care of himself in order to grow. He has to work through this down time himself and with his HP. You have to do the same for you. But, dear ally, you can surely give him the gift of prayer and you will find that you will receive as much from that as he will. Hang in there and know there is someone greater than you that is more than willing to take this from you, if you only give it to Him. I am praying for you both and consider it an honor.
It seems to me from what I am reading that you feel so much happier when you are not thinking, seeing, obsessing over your friend. We are as always, our own worst enemy.
I really agree with what Sunny had to say. We have to give ourselves time to heal. We have to remember that we are the reason we are in recovery. I was listening to a speaker tape today that I had got about a year ago and the person said something I really liked, even if it is kinda hard to take sometimes .
He was talking about how a lot of us will state in a meeting, "Hi, I'm David grateful member of al-anon. etc etc etc. and at some point feel the need to point out that "my ex-wife is my qualifier" or my parents, friends ..whomever. When the truth is We are our own qualifiers. It is our thinking that qualifies us to be in this program. Doesnt matter what caused out thinking, our parents, our spouse or genes! whatever, it is OUR thinking now.
I like to remember that fact. When I start to feeling good and things are going my way, apparently, that is when I am my most vulnerable because it is so easy for complacency to slip back in. It is so easy for old training to slip back into control. That's why I have to keep going to meetings. Keep talking to my program people. Keeps the focus on what it should be on. Me! My thinking. It is gonna take time to retrain 40 years of conditioning.
I try to stay out of places that I am not yet ready to venture into again just yet. For me one of those places, even after 3 years, is my ex-wife. When I let the little darlin's in my head have their way with me, they love to go hang out in the dark alley of that part of my life and watch all the drama unfold again. The little shits!
I have to stay ever aware of my disease. It is there waiting to take control again whenever it can.
What does your gut tell you? (or... what does your gizzard tell ya? hehe)
So you delve yourself into self-care for a few weeks and your life starts getting happy? WHY STOP?!!!! YOU ARE WORTH IT!
What someone else does is none of my business. What someone else thinks of me is none of my business. When someone else holds me emotionally hostage, it is time for me to deploy the life rafts!!!!
Love you
__________________
time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
Why can't you go up and give him a big hug? I think you should do what you feel in your heart. You can help him some if you want to. I know its hard to keep a boundary with being a friend and being an enabler so I say just do what you feel you can do and no more. You have a good heart, it even comes through over the computer :)
(((((Ally))))), I'm so sorry for your pain. Being a raging codependant, I know how real that pain is. I have never been an alcoholic, so I can't say, which is harder. I do believe that you deserve the very best, Ally. We all do. I carry the following affirmations in my purse with me:
I love myself I am beautiful I am a great person I am a great friend I am going to take care of myself I am going to slow down I know G-d takes care of me I am attracted to healthy people I am attracted to loving people I am attracted to available people I am attracted to people who are good for me
I carry them, because I am still trying to convince myself of these things. You are a beautiful person, Ally. You are worth the very best that a partner can offer you. Take good care of yourself.
Who is worse, the A in my life or "me"? Well back in the day I would have to say my reactions were insane. I was the one who made spectacles in public, while he just sat and drank. I was the one who paced the floors, watching the clock, crying hysterically,while waiting for him to come home. I was the one who worried and was terrified something "would" happen, and filled with daily anxieties. While he just sat and drank. I was the one who walked on eggshells wondering what "mood" he would be in or which one "Jeckle or Hyde" would come out that day? While he just sat and drank. I was the one who took on every responsibility, while he sat and drank. I was the one who worked, came home , cooked, cleaned, paid the bills. While he came home after work and just sat and drank. Overview of it all,,,, was he sat and drank and I over reacted to "HIS" situation, making me the one who was sicker trying to save fix/control/save another who didnt want to be saved. He still sits and drinks, while I have gotten on with life and am healing from the effects of anothers alcoholism. Tough question, tough answer! Thanks for posting such a thought provoking question. LIVE and let live,,,,,gardengal
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