The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
For me it took a very long time and meetings meetings meetings to realize that no matter how I tried, I could not control or make someone do things they adamantly did no what to do. I was literally banging my head against a brick wall, but I tried over and over again. Twisting things, manipulating things so that I could control another to do things my way! Then if it did work that odd time, I would feel like I had accomplished something. But in most cases it would fail only making myself more depressed. Saying the serenity prayer over and over again, and learning more what was my business and what was NOT my business, thanks to alanon made me take a closer look at myself. I thought if I was married to someone I should have some sort of control, my wishes should be filled etc etc. However dealing with an alcoholic things are entirely different, as in "healthy" relationships. Like going to a hardware store to buy bread! The whole dynamics of the family change when someone is an alcoholic, and in most cases the alcoholic is not ready to change so the person to change was "me". When I started to let go, and started to get on with MY life and get busy with things I used to like to do, I found the freedom from dispair/worry/fear/anxiety that had envoloped me for so very long. I began to live again whether the A was still drinking or not. What a feeling of a thousand pounds taken off my shoulders , when I decided to let go, and to also let go of my need to control/fix/help another who did not want my help.....Let us hear your story.....................gardengal
For me, it was a need to be "humbled", which, quite honestly, is an ongoing process... When I first entered the doors of Al-Anon, I was quite full of myself, and found it quite entertaining to (secretly) solve everyone else's problems for them.... I can recall listening to people sharing, and thinking to myself (oh, they should do this and this and that.....).
My sponsor called me on this (he has a tendency to do that, lol), and told me that was my way of trying to control the meetings, and establishing a feeling of control over others, everything, etc.... I think I needed to hear that, as the (good) humbling part of my recovery is the acceptance that I truly aren't any smarter (or dumber) than the rest of us.... I needed to learn that I had LOTS to learn, and when I open my mind to it, have literally learned from each and every person I come into contact with.
The other part of control, and/or step one, that I used to get reminded of, was using the weather analogy. My sponsor once told me to think about the weather, and how much influence or control I have on what the weather is going to be like.... Of course, I responded that I have NONE, to which he stated that I have the very same amount of influence or control of the alcoholics in my life. He also supported that statement by saying that although I can't control the weather, I CAN choose to use an umbrella, or wear warm clothes, or whatever the situation calls for.
I like that analogy, and go back to it often...
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
I like the weather analogy too. You can even choose to move to a different climate, if you like!
One aspect of control that keeps tripping me up is that, in many ways, and many situations, I DO know best. I mean, I am a reasonably intelligent person, with a fair amount of life experience and a certain competence at many things. I work with mostly young girls in their early twenties, I spend a lot of time with teenagers, my volunteer work is in a position of authority - so much of the time I CAN fix it, I DO know the best way. This is not that good for me, as of course, it only applies in a narrow world - in the broader world of contolling other people, I am as powerless and as likely to make the wrong choice as anyone else.
Just because I have some skills and competence does not mean that I know what is best for someone else. I have to keep reminding myself of this, because if I don't, you can be sure life will rear up and remind me, uncomfortably.
For me, this is a new 'understanding', a hurdle I've just recently cleared. That makes it sound like I 'did it once, now I'm done!' which is not true at all, it is a daily, hourly and by the minute exercise.
My A managed to get about a month of sobriety back in February but is now relapsing every two or three weeks. On Tuesday he went to talk to a guy about a job and I haven't seen him since.
The realization that I have no control over what he does led to a realization that all my efforts to say or do the 'right thing' are useless and painful to me. There is enough pain here, and I can actually choose to turn the whole shebang over and not worry about it.
I was not able to do this before, and in my heart I believe this newfound detatchment is a gift from God. A necessary one provided to me in this time, as my husband is rapidly self-destructing before my eyes.
Friends have asked "Aren't you worried something happened to him?" Meaning, I suppose, they would be out looking for him, calling around, whatever. I told the neighbor who asked me this "Obviously SOMETHING BAD has happened to him, but there's not a damn thing I can do about it."
This is pretty familiar to all of us! I am ready (somehow, thank HP) for him to end up dead, in prison, or in the psych ward. As a result of being as detatched as I possibly can be, I go about my day. I have a small farm and it's spring, so in less than a month, I will have baby goats to bottle feed, a garden to put in, and livestock coming out my ears to take care of.
My A is in HP's hands goes without saying. I'm MUCH more worried about ME and how I'll manage this farm by myself. This takes up most of my mental energy, and it should, because this is what I can do. So praying for HP to guide me is what's on my mind.
It's amazing to me to not feel anguish every moment of the day about whether or not my husband is alive or dead. I just want it to be over, and the details are not up to me. And today, right now, I am looking forward to the future. Not in a very long term kind of way, but enough to be hopeful and positive. Today, I am OK. And I am beyond grateful for this.'
you know GG to me it was like Algebra, learning to do those fun long equasions and the Quadratic ones too.
Once ya got it right, I realized how simple it was.
once i learned about, and believed, "we can only change ourselves," and "I can only control me." it was so simple.
That was that.
I love the serenity of having someone try to back me into a corner, or try to control me, and I just feel serenity and take care of me, and say hey all I can do is change me.
Not give them the time of day, no yelling no arguing just that sweet serenity.
You know what I found hard? Trying to not control my ah and controlling my children. I swear they all acted about the same. It's pretty sad when your six year old and your 45 year old husband would be acting the same way. I can 't say that I have turned over my control. I gave up trying everything to stop my ah from drinking but I still have all the control on the financial issues and the way things are run around the house and our children. LOL It works better this way I think. Plus, ahsober likes it. He loves the honey doo lists and when I ask him to do things. I trained him well huh? hahaha Just kidding. He's a good guy and wouldn't trade him for the world....now that is. ;)
Nice to hear from you. Love the stories posted. Alot of control on my part. My AHsober, my kids, my work, my family. I found that behind the control was my fear and my perceived ineptness. I have learned alot in the Alanon program. I am not as exhausted trying to make things turn out the way I want. I better accept reality. What a relief!
