I have been doing a lot of intensive reading and thinking lately about how I came to be the way I am (co-dependent). And then how I am learning not to be that, learning to be less and less of that. I known for years that I am co-dependent, not only by being married to my A but also from being raised in an alcoholic home. And, on the surface, I figured I knew how I was a co-dependant but it felt like something just wasn't registering. I am slowly putting together the pieces of my jig saw puzzle-life together and see how I've fluctuated between denial and acceptance. Co-dependent behaviors have certainly been ingrained in me. Denying that I was denying! Hoping, wishing, pretending. The whole 9 yards. Learning the why's and how's is an interesting journey. About a week ago, a light came on ( probably 100 watts in a who-knows-how-many watts light bulb) about myself and a warm feeling washed over me. I can't explain it but it was like a whole bunch of pieces of the puzzle started fitting together and it made me feel good. I was getting a clearer picture.I don't know if all the pieces will ever fit and actually I don't care if it gets all the way done or not as long as I get most of it. Hell, I'm 55 years old! I might be on my death bed by the time a whole puzzle gets figured out and then it won't even matter! LOL  And I've been thinking about my A and I and what's been going on lately. It's really been going fairly well - we've had some good talks for once. I've got my program and he has his. He calls his sponsor every day or his sponsor calls him and he's upped his meetings. He said his sponsor had at one time been just like him and that because sponsor has had 15 years of sobriety, my A said he is getting it through his head that you don't "arrive", you live every day one day at a time. I never heard him say that before. But I am focused on me. I have been feeling good about myself, being alone with myself, no pity pot. A week ago, I told him that we were going to have to sink or swim but I was not treading water anymore. I told him that I do not want to lose our relationship and that we are each working on ourselves is the healthiest thing we can do for ourselves. We are married but separated for over 6 mos. although he spends quite a bit of time here. Yet it's like I'm his girlfriend. In fact, we each seem to be comfortable being separated but married. I think we are scared to live with each other now! But I don't know if you can get back together after this without being a little scared. Hell, we could go on being separated forever waiting for a day when we feel we can get along smoothly. I don't think even healthy relationships are smooth all the time. So, to me, if we don't try to be really married again, only better with program as a part of our lives, then we may as well end it. We each have our space now but married people trying to be healthy give that to each other any way. But I feel like we have to learn to live together under one roof now instead of staying separated. I do not want to go on the way we have any longer. It'll be sad and hard. I don't want it to go that way but I'd rather we each go our own way and get over it . We are suppose to decide this week-end. And one thing I do feel good about is the fact that I brought the subject up feeling good! No tears or attitude. It came from a good place. And he was good in listening and talking. So we shall see what happens. Thanks for "listening"......jaja