The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is a copy of an email that a recovery friend sent me yesterday. It is part of a daily devotional for Recovering Co-Dependants that she emails to a group of recovery friends. Thought it was an interesting look at relationships and conflicts. Prior to recovery, I thought that anytime there was a conflict, that meant I had to leave the relationship. Now, I know that may be an option, but it is not the only choice.
Believe me, I'm not saying anyone has to stay or has to go - just saying that the CHOICE is yours to make, my recovery friends. It's about what is the HEALTHY solution for You.
Peace to all of you, Rita
Negotiating Conflicts
Recovery is about more than walking away. Sometimes it means learning to stay and deal. It's about building and maintaining relationships that work. --Beyond Codependency
Problems and conflicts are part of life and relationships - with friends, family, loved ones, and at work -- problem-solving and conflict negotiation are skills we can acquire and improve with time.
Not being willing to tackle and solve problems in relationships leads to unresolved feelings of anger and victimization, terminated relationships, unresolved problems, and power plays that intensify the problem and waste time and energy.
Not being willing to face and solve problems means we may run into that problem again.
Some problems with people cannot be worked out in mutually satisfactory ways. Sometimes the problem is a boundary issue we have, and there is not room to negotiate. In that case, we need to clearly understand what we want and need and what our bottom line is.
Some problems with people, though, can be worked out, worked through, and satisfactorily negotiated. Often, there are workable options for solving problems that we will not even see until we become open to the concept of working through problems in relationships, rather than running from the problems.
To negotiate problems, we must be willing to identify the problem, let go of blame and shame, and focus on possible creative solutions. To successfully negotiate and solve problems in relationships, we must have a sense of our bottom line and our boundary issues, so we don't waste time trying to negotiate non-negotiable issues.
We need to learn to identify what both people really want and need and the different possibilities for working that out. We can learn to be flexible without being too flexible. Committed, intimate relationships mean two people are learning to work together through their problems and conflicts in ways that work in both people's best interest.
Today, I will be open to negotiating conflicts I have with people. I will strive for balance without being too submissive or too demanding. I will strive for appropriate flexibility in my problem-solving efforts.
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I know for me I had to learn to communicate about my feelings first before I could communicate about my relationships. I really had to get a set of vocab to learn how to describe what I saw, knew, felt before I could do much else. When I got that, I really was able to put boundries into practice. I was able to take all these excellent suggestions I heard in the rooms over and over and over and use them daily. I think my favorite reading in this whole book is about opening ourselves to love. when I opened myself to love I also opened myself to solutions. Soltions, namely, for living. ODAAT.
I really like this, and have stashed it away... LOL
I often feel torn (normally to the opposite of running away) about conflict. As a manager of 20 years, I acturally took a class in conflict resolution and "dealing with difficult people". Have a certificate and everything.
Like I have said in the past, I have a especially hard time with when to "fold 'em".
Thanks for posting that!
Take care of you!
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
What a great post Rita..... kinda reminds me of the old saying "wherever I go, there I am".
A lot of our recovery is "me-based", as we are the only ones we can truly improve and control.... I think at times that can be taken in the wrong light, even by ourselves, and we can often get too self-critical. For me, I really had to learn "what my part was in it", and had to grow up, and own up to what was truly my responsibility. That didn't let the alcoholic "off the hook", but it was far too easy to blame the A, or others, for all that was wrong....
Some people leave, some people stay (I chose to leave, after many years of struggling with the decision). Irrelevant of the 'stay v. leave choice', it's those who choose to work on, and better themselves, who really get the most gains....
Tom
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"He is either gonna drink, or he won't.... what are YOU gonna do?"
"What you think of me is none of my business"
"If you knew the answer to what you are worrying about, would it REALLY change anything?"
