The material presented
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I said the serenity prayer and begged god to give me a sign and show me what direction I need to be heading in and the phone rang and it was him. My AH just got out of jail. I didn't answer. Finally I called him at the payphone. He was stranded no money no place to stay etc. etc. He has been in this position before. I argued with myself for an hour and then went and picked him up and brought him home with me. We stopped for dinner and our song was playing on the radio. The kids were happy to see him. I was happy to see him. We spent the night together and then the next day I took him to get his check. It was almost like old times - almost. He gave me most of his check and kept a few hundred - said he was going to turn himself in for the probation violation here and the warrants for not showing for court earlier this week. He told me a story over dinner about a friend who od'd and he brought him back and the guy died later that night after he left. I told him that could just as easily have been him. He knew.
I'm glad I went and got him and spent the night with him, I have NO regrets. I feel that the bitterness and resentment is gone from me now. I feel sad for him and believe he is going to die soon. I love him so much but I am resigned now to the fact that he is on a mission to either kill himself or go to prison. I was half tempted to call the po myself and tell him where to find him to save him from himself but I wanted to give him his choice and freedom to do what he needs to do even if it means killing himself. If not now eventually anyway so what's the point in fighting it? I feel at peace now with the whole thing. I understand I can love him and not be with him. I can love other people too. I truly lived in the moment and enjoyed the time I had and then let it go. I hope he does the right thing but I expect that he won't. I miss him so much but I realized that night he's not the same person any more and it will never be the way it was - the innocence is lost forever.
(((carolinagirl))) I feel so in tuned to your story. Yours and mine seem so much alike. My heart ached terribly when reading your post...for you, your AH, your kids. And I kind of see myself in that post too. Like I could be right where you are some day. I feel the same about my AH - he is determined to kill himself. I believe the only thing that will keep him alive is jail. But that would kill him too, Ya Know?
I am glad you were able to live in the moment for just one night. You'll be able to cherish that forever. And move on with your life to love others as well. Keep your head up, stay strong. You are an amazing woman.
It sounds like you have come to a point of Acceptance, which for me was a point where then I started healing. I hope this helps you in your healing process.
Peace to you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
I agree that you are in acceptance and that is also when my healing began. It's funny because that's when my ah(sober) recovery began! It was exciting. Who would have thought once I let go so would he....hmmmmm go figure. You are doing a great job. Keep going. It is sad to say that some A's do die. My bestfriend did die :( it's still horribly sad and I do wish I would have done more to help her but that's just me. Do what you can for your A for your own conscience. Good luck.
Thanks for the post. That's real life for many of us including the acceptance and letting go and letting God. Love= The complete and total acceptance of any other human being for exactly who they are. That one helped me accept and detach from my alcoholic wife and she eventually found recovery while I continued with mine. I need to keep detachment and acceptance as a part of my spiritual character because of my ability to enable before thinking about what I am doing and what the outcome would be.
Well I am sure you knew he was going to get out sometime. I also think for me at least there are a lot of goodbyes. I think of my time in interacting with the A now before he moves (in 2 weeks according to him) as a long goodbye. He has not changed at all. He is still controlling, tantruming, expecting everything. He sees no change in me.
I've done lots of stepping in with the A. I've done lots of fretting about jail and being in chaos. I also have my own chaos.
I know how utterly absorbing their roller coaster rides can be. I've been on it for 7 years. At times I can find myself in acceptance about the A's life. At other times I am still angry and sad.
At times the A I know can be open and clear and at other times he can be deceitful and secretive. All of that is very very addictive for me.
I have to say the most addictive component for me and sometimes the most destructive is "rescue". The A sets me up to rescue him and then punishes me. He sets up crises and then if I don't stop everything give him the works and more he'll sulk and punish and scream for ever. There is not an ounce of maturity in him.
I dont think there was much maturity in me for a long time till I started coming here and being willing to sit with myself rather than be in crisis all the time and work on my issues. I can be pulled into the A's chaos in a second. I could be there for the rest of my life. Not much is going to change.
Change for me requires such a colossal amount of work. Its not for me just the job stuff which seems to evade me at the moment. For me its about watching the feet rather than the lips. The A does little to change, he doesn't change his company (generally other drug addicts) he doesn't change his irresponsibility, he doesn't change his demands. All of those are bottom lines for me.
I know for me this is a transition time. I know for me the phone calls are coming because the A is inevitably going to mess up in so many ways. I don't know how I will handle them. I hope I will have serenity and peace. I pray that I will. I also pray that in time I'll be able to transition out of his life altogether because his actions and my over reactions and rescues of him have drained me almost to the point of death.
