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"I think little Sarah is still waiting for Daddy to come home. It would be wise for you to realize the fact that he's never coming home. He's already home. This is him." The immortal words of my councelor in session yesterday, which hit hard on my morning 10th step. And oh, how the words poured out. Some how, SOME HOW, I'd become convinced. This wasn't my real Daddy, I'd told myself. I didn't know who these people were, but these weren't my real parents. Like some tragic orphan I'd been left in the care of some wicked family who did terrible things, to themselves, each other and me. And any minute, ANY MINUTE, my REAL DADDY would be coming home. Maybe he'd been in a war. Maybe he'd been on some extended vacation. But he was coming dammit, he was coming. I would be okay, because THIS was NOT my real Daddy. Whoever he was, he was coming. And he would take his revenge on this family I'd been left with. I felt sad, then, as I written. And, strangely, I didn't feel like beating myself up. I'd been holding on to a child's fantasy to survive and now I didn't have to do that now. I didn't have to do that because it's not fantasy. It is. This is it. The Land of What Is. My father--the one that actually is my father, not my idealized father--is a drunk. And it's hard to say it out loud. Because, as people in my f2f discussed at length with new comers, theres a shame in the families of not being a drunk (any more, it's a point of pride it seems; if you're a drunk, just go to rehab, right?), but of being in recovery. Over and over we shared how our families had dis-owned us, talked to us less, or simply didn't want us any more because we were "in recovery." "Different" "Wierd." It's also wierd to admit, and this is where I'm especially stumbling, to people in recovery that I still have denial to work through. I mean, the definition of denial from a clinical prospective is a mental defensive tool that protects an individual until they are ready to completely adopt the reality that is. It took me a while to adopt the reality that alcholism bankrupts families; but, sharing it on this board, I heard (over and over and over again) how you, too, had struggled financially. Perhaps you didn't get the horse you were certain every child had (dammit!). But we all agreed that clothes were old; they didn't fit, or, like some of you related to my post, they didn't exist. And food, electircity, power bills, water bills--the stories poured in. You reassured me that, SURPRISE! (cue Gomer pyle here) I wasn't the first. So why it is I'm ashamed (and yes, that's the feeling I'm arguing with myself over right now) to say to you "Yes! I'm a work in progress! No! I'm not perfect, I just tell myself I am! And....I'm finding myself having to face the painful realities of my family! Again! And again! And again!" I'm not sure. I don't BELIEVE anyone's gonna shoot me (so far such has not been the case). And in fact, I've even been given permission to laugh over my progress (any one else feel like they trip over their own feet on the spiritual journey?). I guess that's just where I'm at. Thanks for listening guys. And for being here.
I dunno, sounds to me like you are progressing as well as anyone could. Self doubt and perfectionism are the legacies of the disease in those around it, and they are, to my mind, the hardest things to fight.
I find that for me, at this stage in my life, my main battle is with myself, with attitudes and defences that I built up over the years, and which I cannot seem to banish. They just keep jumping up. over and over. The A in my life is really not a problem, the problem is me, falling back into defensiveness and resentment when the only provocation is something that REMINDS me of something that happened years ago.
Oh, well, at least I usually recognize it, now, and give it the boot, rather than cherishing it.....
I was sitting in an open AA meeting Monday nite. It was such a wonderful meeting, I hadn't been to a AA meeting in a while and was so grateful for the opportunity. Always reminds me just exactly how similiar my own "stuff" is to theirs. I may not have a drinking problem, but I certainly do have a THINKING problem! And in that I, I definately shared a common bond with every person in the room.
You wrote, "Yes! I'm a work in progress! No! I'm not perfect, I just tell myself I am!"
I'm not sure if this applies for you, but when I read that line in your post something one man in the room shared jumped into my mind and I felt like I was supposed to tell this to you or possibly someone else who might read this.
This gentleman said that he has always been an Egomaniac with an Inferiority Complex. Wow. That said something very special to me. I was raised by a father who is a brilliant man. He can do just about anything..literally. And I always felt such pressure to be that perfect person too. If I wasn't as smart or smarter than him...how would I ever get his approval? His love.
So I learned to immulate his demeanor, one of confidence and self assuredness about everything. There is practically no subject in which I would not project to you and anyone else I could bluff that I was not an expert in. And yet inside, I was terrified and woefully inadequate, and I knew it! Because I knew that in reality you and just about everyone else, but especially my father, was waaaaaaaayyy smarter or better than me! I just wasnt about to let you know that!
I used to say these words. "God, I'm good. Sometimes I'm so good I scare myself" but I was lying. Lying to you and lying to myself. They were said with haughtiness and sarcasm.
I say them today, at least those first 3, "God I'm good." Now I mean them. I dont have to be perfect anymore. I just do my best. And I try to do things with love. Not always successful on that second part. But the more I do the easier it gets.
I am enough, just the way I am today. Doesn't mean I don't want to become more, because I do. I want to continue to grow in my spirituality. I want to become more what my HP wants me to be. But, Just for Today, I am just who I am supposed to be.
"trip over my own feet..." - sure! It's the same feet I have been tripping over for years.
This line is from one of my favorite prayers - "I seek strength, not to be greater than my brother, but to fight my greatest enemy Myself. "
You spoke a lot about denial, and it's a funny thing about denial, you only recognise it when you have gotten past it. I fully expect there are many things I am still refusing to see completely... but if I keep working it, I will see it eventually.
I think you are doing great! Keep at it.
Take care of you!
__________________
"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
Great post. Made me think. I can remember when I finally came out of my denial about my dad being drunk. I was probably way over 30 years old. It was so hard to admit it and then to finally say it to him.
Loved what David said. It gave me so much insight to how my AHsober acts. Knows everything but underneath that insecurity and lack of confidence drives the show.
And what does this say about myself? Gotta get through that denial when I do my 4th step.
