The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Oh I am so sick of this behavior that never changes. Both his AH and mine. AH is a dry drunk, I honestly think it was easier when he drank, then there was something to blame his stupid selfish behavior on, now it is easy to think it is my fault. But I won't go that route again, cause it isn't me, I am better than that.
I am tired of everything coming before me, work, work, sleep, work, his pathetic mother, I don't think I even make his radar. I am sick of him saying he loves me, but never showing it. In fact he shows just the opposite, he doen't know how to love anyone but himself. He is not capable of it. He is really good at making other people think that he is Mr. innocent and I am Ms. B----. I know it is not true, but it still hurts.
What hurts the most is the kids saw me respond to something once , oh it felt so good to be important to someone. It was the wrong route to go because they don't understand and he does a lot of what he does behind closed doors so they don't (the kids) see it, so he continues to look innocent. It was such a stupid thing to do and so wrong. Now I have to live with the consequences and I will. I have made my peace with God. That is what is important. It was an emotional attachment, which I found out was as devastating as a physical one.
It just gets real lonely sometimes.
So, now what do I do with all this I go forward and work my program. I go forward from where I am at. I would have thought the guilt and negative stuff would of went away a long time ago as it was 3 years ago. But alas I continue to deal with it, mostly in my own mind.
I know I am letting a lot out here and that is ok, cause it is a safe place and the situation is what it is. I cannot change it, but I can learn from it. I just have to learn how to let it go. I just hate the feeling I get when I look at my kids.
I will finish my degree, I will work my program, I will come here for support, I will not knock myself, which seems to be a problem lately, I will work my program some more, I will not isolate myself, I will repeat the Serenity Prayer over and over, most importantly to me is I will lay it all at my Father's feet and walk away. I will try anyway.....it is hard to walk through this muck.
I will keep going forward and know that I am worthy of love and I am important and I do matter.
Please don't think bad of me and be disappointed in me cause I feel that way about myself often enough.
Dear Doxie, wow that post was so full of emotion. I am glad you made peace with your creator. We are by no means perfect. Sometimes the pain of lonliness is so strong, like needing water and we make decisions we wish we would not have.
Well as you know, just not drinking, means about zero. unless they also work on the behaviors.
I take it he does not go to AA.
Would there maybe be a way for the two of you to get away together and rebond? Make one day a week just for you two? How about also open meetings at AA together.
Maybe the kids just need your reassurance about their dad. i remember my mom seeing another guy. I felt so uncomfortable. I wish she had explained things to us. It ended up ok.
don't forget you need fun and joy in your life too. The drama can really suck us in. much love,debilyn
Hi Debilynn, I appreciate the reply. We have been on mini vacations many times, all at my iniating. I am at the point where I am scared to death to give him any of my emotions because it hurts to bad when he slams me back, and he always does. I have made excuses for him so many times and gave him my heart so many times that I am afraid to do it again.
I am not looking for answers here, only a safe place to let it out. I know that working my program is the answer and living for God and not for anyone else, myself included.
One could never think bad of you. You are a ray of in so many people's lives. This just goes to show us that you are human. It's a frank and honest post. That's healthy. You continually show us how to hold our head up high and go foward, despite any circumstances. You are a role model. Hope these feelings pass soon for you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
((((((Doxie))))) We all make mistakes - I've certainly made my share and then some. God forgives us and our job is to move on and do the next right thing.
I can relate to living with a past substance abuser who quit using but still has the addictive behaviors, the isms. Detachment (at first, however i could) was all I could handle at first. Then, later, Alanon taught me how to detach with love. It didn't happen overnight and I still slip back on that sometimes.
Since I am a "praying person", I'll keep you and your children in my prayers.
You did a great job of expressing yourself and really speaking for me and many others. It is lonely and they are selfish. Or should I say that the disease is very selfish. My AHsober has chosen the ultimate selfish act. He just left and all he talks about is "me, me, me". Everything else was always more important: work, friends, TV. I would beg for him to leave time for me and the kids. As you said, the getaways were all at my insistence. And what is working on the side with the kids, mother-in-law, friends, co-workers is his manipulation of their opinion of him - what a great guy, there must be someting wrong with her.
It has been 2 years for me. I ask the same questions about why I can't let go when it was so easy for him. Why am I still dealing with it in my mind? So I keep busy and alot of time fake it until I make it. I know that I will make it because I am slowly looking to my HP for my answers and guidance. DO NOT GIVE UP!
You are soooooo not alone friend. I find that often I am my own worst enemy.
Last night I went to an event and ran into someone I knew (not well) in high school. She was talking about her sister and she was sooooooo judgemental and it reminded me of days of old and I have to remember "what others think of me is none of my business."
Love ya, Maria
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If I am not for me, who will be? If I am only for myself, then who am I? If not now, when?
in so many people's lives. This just goes to show us that you are human. It's a frank and honest post. That's healthy. You continually show us how to hold our head up high and go foward, despite any circumstances. You are a role model. 
Hope these feelings pass soon for you.
