The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
My guess is pretty darn long. My A has been drunkevery night for I don't know how long now. The worst was the night before last. He picked me up from work and even though he was driving "OK" I could tell he had a good buzz going by the way he rudely interrupted me and talked non stop. I do not believe he was trying to be antagonistic but he was doing this icky thing of comparing me to his mother (who was a nurse) and how she had it alot worse than me and worked harder and was never appreciated and always underpaid and bla bla bla. When we got home he knocked something special of my daughter's off the dresser and broke it, then went into a tirade about the stupid idiot who put that there (me). He swore alot as well. While my two daughters were trying to piece that thing back together, he was yelling for me to come help him make the bed, something I dread. I finally sucked it in and went in there. He had put the fitted sheet on sideways. I was trying to figure it out and he was trying to tell me he knew it was on sideways, I guess something was lost in translation because I had no idea what he was talking about and he started talking down to me like I was this brainless bimbo. I told him to just get out, I could make the bed just fine by myself thank you. UUUuuugh it just gets worse. I just write it cause it helps me get over it, you know? He goes to where the girls are fixing the thing he broke and he starts talking down to them and telling them they are never gonna be able to fix it, but they ignore him and try anyway, and do a pretty good job. Then he starts to feel bad and apologize to everybody. To prove what a good guy he is he goes and gets them popsicles. Except that it is almost midnight by this point. They have stayed up waiting for me to come home from work but really should be in bed if it wasn't for all that other stuff. I wait till the girls can't hear and I tell him now is not a good time for popsicles and it just all goes downhill from there. Yelling. Lots of yelling. The girls got their popsicles. He stayed up late and drank lots more. I slept on the couch.
Alright, so what I did was I ran out and got a job as soon as he lost his (about six weeks ago). I thought I was being responsible and taking care of myself and my kids. But really I was enabling him. Letting him sit around drunk without anywhere tyo be. Worse than that is all the time he spends alone with girls. I know he just lets them play video games and yells alot. My ten year old thinks a good idea would be to take his picture to all the stores and tell them to refuse to sell him alcohol. It is so sad. I feel like they are ruined. Jamie
-- Edited by RainyJamie at 14:53, 2007-03-30
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
RJ, if you think you are enabling him by being a responsible spouse and parent, and going out to earn the money your family needs, there is one way to stop it: Tell him if you are going to take care of things by yourself, then you prefer to BE by yourself. See ya later...........
All best, Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
hi rj, hey be proud of you for getting a job. When we are married to an A, I really believe it was best for me to take care of everything.
We cannot depend on anyone but ourselves. We cannot change them. You working hon, has nothing to do with him not working, and being a very active A.
I am guessing you cannot afford childcare? I know it is horribly expensive. I know I sure couldn't.
Maybe a relative could help?
RJ, when I hit where you are, I had to make boundaries and really stick to them. No being drunk in our home. If I had kids I would especially say that. Would rather he was at a bar or at someone elses place.
I never saw my A drink. I mean since we had been married. He would be fine then not. Then thru alanon I decided I wanted to live with him. The smell did not bug me anymore. As long as he was not rude or obnoxious, I was ok. Soon as he was I went and did something else with no resent ments.
I had my own bedroom. So of course he hated that. After awhile he did get bad and I showed him the door. More than once he would come back and I would enjoy him as long as I could.
rainiJ have you thought about what you want and what you want for the kids? If you feel the disease is ruining them, how can you stop that?
Do you feel your protective instincts coming out? I rememer when my parents did not talk to each other at all and how much that bothered me. I cannot imagine if they ever yelled at each other.
I never in my life saw conflict in family until I married the A. I know I was very fortunate to have the life I did.
But RainiJ, I grew up not putting up with any A bs. I gave and worked on it until I felt I would have no regrets that I did not do enough.
Now I know for sure that no one should do anything for an active A. That it only enables.
You have precious, precious little lives you are responsible for. The disease does not care.
I know if a friend of yours came over and yelled at you, yelled and belittled the kids, you would not allow it, or be friends with them.
I know that if my own father yelled and hurt me, I would figure if my own father did not love me, then why should anyone else? this is where boys and girls grow up looking for love in the worst ways.
It is ultimately up to you. We are here to help as much as we can. I can promise you, if you chose to not allow the disease to abuse you anymore, there is help out there. And you would make sure your babies were safe.
My dad is an A and I saw him do similar things to what you describe, they only get worst! My mom always said she put up with it for us.... But to be honest I would have much rathered have lived in a one parent home as long as I felt safe, I never felt safe when my dad drank, I slept with a steel bat under my bed, I was so scared of him and HATED when he talked down to us or my mom. Kids shouldn't be made to feel scared in their own homes, they should feel safe, protected and loved. When they are raised in these types of environments they grow up thinking it's normal behavior and we all know it's not. The other day I was speaking to an 80 year old recovering A, I was telling her that my dad is an A and she said " I hope you realize that you are at a high risk for becoming an A or marrying one, you better be very careful!"
-- Edited by Hopeless in AZ at 23:18, 2007-03-30
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Grant me the strenght to accept the things I can not change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference!
I have no experience with this problem, but a lady in our group has. She works, He doesn't. She finally told him that her money was hers and he was not to spend is on booze. She no longer gives him money for drinks. She told all her relatives that if he borrowed money from them, she was not going to pay it back. Some of them didn't even know he was an A. Talk about a rude awakening.
You have to look after yourself.
Working to pay the bills is responsible. I don't see it as enabling unless you are providing money for him to drink.
We hear its a process, its a process, its a process. I have always believed there was a natural order to things. I am learning to turn my will over to allow the natural order of life to work like it should to keep things in balance. For me, its a question of not fighting things I cannot control. If I fight to bring things into balance, I overdo it because I want it to happen now on my terms, my time. I realize how selfish this is. I am learning to remind myself that the world does not, will not spin to my tune. Everyone has a right to find their own way out of their darkness and chaos.
Even our As have their own lives to be responsible for. When I made my husband leave, I was protecting myself and my children (my responsibility), but I was also getting out of the way of him learning the hard lessons that he had a right to. I know the children are his responsibility too, but an As first and foremost duty is to get themselves healthy. They cant do anything, for anyone, until then. If I try to get him sober I am cheating him out of the lessons he needs to learn.
I was scared to death that he would just choose to stay high. My biggest challenge was/is trusting everyone in my life to learn their own lessons. I want to show them all the way. Youd think I would have a healthier self esteem, with such grandiose intentions.
Enabling them just makes it take longer to find their bottom. And we know when we are enabling them, when we remove the natural consequences to their actions. If you went to a friends house and yelled, broke things, talked down to them, took their money to get drunk, kept them up all night, laid on their couch all day, fed their kids junk and let them run amok all day, what do you think the natural consequence to all that would/should be?
(((Jamie))) Its a process, for you and youre A. Youll find your way. We all do. Its easier when we keep coming back.
-- Edited by Jen at 20:45, 2007-03-31
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~Jen~
"When you come to the edge of all you know you must believe in one of two things... there will be earth on which to stand or you will be given wings." ~Unknown
1) You are taking care of You, (always first.) CHECK
2) You are doing what is necessary in taking care of your children (Family members)CHECKand
3) You are taking care of your Home.CHECK.LOL.
All these things these~ways ~ area good thing!
For me,I am progressing simply.By setting simple boundaries. By doing these 3 things, I know Im definitely not enabling the AH. I'm not contributing to helping the AH continue to sit around and take advantage of the situation by not working or helping with the daily domestic responsibilities. I'm simply holding up "my part" in a commitment I made to this relationship. Because I love my family. I love my AH.And I love my Home.
I find its' "ok to turn away from a response that will only lead to more negative response.What comes to mind is the saying, "its harder to fight alone."lol.I think thissometimes as I look at my AH as hes' speaking with the behaviorism of alcoholknowing if I respond as he (thinks he)wants me to he is going to control me right into a confrontation of words. It does get easier and easier to say okorthats good. or even nothing at all.Some people find it unbearable, others it becomes them. I prefer to stay married and stay home and do what I can to love my husband.I have learned its ok to be quiet sometimes. Though Im a talker.lol.
I have let it (the quiet) become me.Alanon has helped me in so many ways. I love the program and I love the Family I have in Alanon. Alanon helps me recognize...by asking myself... "How important is it?Its not important enough... to play the negative remark gamenot any more. Id rather be quiet or not be in the room at all.hats my choice. Its what I found to help me be more tolerable of my AH and his actions when I do not want to have to be.
I know I can do it.I read my odaat and courage to change daily reminders. The daily readers are great first thing in the morning to help to me to place my train of thoughts on positive stuff. I attend meetings when I can and I come here and I go into chat when I am able. All these things have helped me to be a stronger person. To be the wife of an alcoholic. To believe in a higher power greater than myself to stop the sanity of this disease. Its not for everyone. But if you think its for youthere are ways to make your home and your life better. Ways to change the dynamics of the home. Ways to have the members of the family not focus entirely on the effects of this horrible disease. Ways to go on with it being only what it is. Not everything in our lifes.
Much love to You. I appreciate all the es&h I receive each day from the members here at MIP.
Keep looking uP. It does get better. Its ok to let that Power greater than yourself ...help you determine what is and whats not yours to take on.Teach the young ones of love. They will be grow up and have their own lives all too soon. Time goes soo fast. The rest they will learn on their own in their own time. My office calendar has a great saying i really like;
"A smile is a curve
that sets
everything straight."
Phyllis Diller.
So - just smile. let yourself feel the smile. it can help to change your day. really.
You are not enabling your AH. You are setting by example... boundaries.Necessary boundaries in order to have a nice, healthy, and loving home.Please... try to...back up (step back)and take a more healthy approach.Youre trying to find ways to make your life (lives) better. And youre :) doing that. You have every right to feel and be proud of yourself. Give yourself a smile.And also a big pat on the back and treat yourself to an ice cream bar.lol.Or better yet, a stick of celery and some peanut butter. ((Big Grin)) or an all non-fattening ~lol~ bubble bath. :)Your doing great. Your here.Keep on doing what youre doing.
Work the program. It works if youwork it*your worth it!!
Ok. ...this is one of those that care and as always..."take what you like and leave the rest."((BiGHuG)))
