The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
AH called his sponser last night. His assignment is he needs to call him everyday for 30 days.Ughwere dreading this phone bill b/c this guy loves to talk.Each phone call has lasted an hour or more!His darn boss never picked him up for work this morning. AH called his recovering cousin and told him before it was the drinking and coke that made him not go to work, and now that he stopped he has someone else from keeping him to go to work b/c of the same reasons. He mentioned to his sponser that it felt wierd having $ in his pocket and not spending it on beer or coke. ARGH...it just makes me so mad..I mean...we dont have $ as it is..were so behind on bills, but yet he uses the money for that crap! I know, I know..its an addiction, but I just cannot help it. You know...he mustve thought I was stupid b/c there were times where he would take $100 or more out and he would need to tap mac the next day. I was confused, asking him where did all the money go...he would tell me that he would buy beer..but conviently dont remember where the rest of the money has gone....Hmm...my intuition was right along..I knew where that $ was going..but honestly didnt think he was doing it that much. AH is going to another NA meeting w/ his cousin tonight...so far, thats 3 for this week. :)
The way the disease runs their life is frustrating isn't it. Glad you can see through it, and even more glad that he is hitting meetings and talking with his sponsor. It may seem strange and selfish, but his success in recovery is a life and death deal.
Money is an issue with us too. My AW is still drinking and we are seperated. When I think of the money blown on booze and just being seperated it makes me sick sometimes. (But not as sick as I was before coming here.... it was an easy trade)
Hang in there and take this oportunity to learn about what you want and need out of life. He has his hands full right now, and you are wide open to grow. So glad you are here!
Take care of you!
-- Edited by rtexas at 10:32, 2007-03-30
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
I can relate to those feelings of frustration on money issues & they don't always go away with sobriety. But we can work on ourselves & do what we can to take care of our own serenity.
Just a suggestion - is there a different place in the house that you can go when he is on the phone with his sponsor so you can't hear the conversation? I am so nosy, I still think I need to hear everything that my AH is talking about on the phone, but in reality it is really none of my business. So when he is on the phone, for my own peace of mind, to stay in my own garden of self - I try to walk to the other side of the house, turn up the TV or radio, or do something so I can't hear the conversation.
Not only does it keep me out of his business, but it also lets my AH know that I am giving him some privacy. Then when I have telephone conversations with my sponsor or sponsees, I can ask for the same courtesy.
Just what is working for us today,
Hope you have a peaceful weekend, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Hang in there DanieH, it is difficult adjusting to sobriety and recovery just like its been difficult adjusting to active addiction. I will not argue that sobriety is much better than active using. My AH is still actively using and money is a huge issue with us. I have had to secure another account and the debit and credit cards because if he's not buying alcohol or pot he's spending money on other frivolities that he just really doesn't need. We are financially struggling as well and I go through the frustration of not having enough to pay the bills and shuffling money here and there. The hardest part is that my AH has an entitlement problem. He feels if he makes his money he should be able to have an allowance to buy whatever he wants. He is not emotionally mature yet to understand that priorities and responsibilities of the home are first things first. What I have learned about this disease is that whatever age the addict began using is where they are emotionally stuck in maturity. So really I'm dealing with a grown man who is emotionally about the age of 15 or 16. He's still waiting for his mommy to bail him out of his financial problems, and she has trust me.
Glad to see he is communicating with his sponsor so frequently and going to meetings. It takes a great deal of time and energy to work program and just try and stay clean for a day. Be patient and keep doing nice things for yourself to pamper you and give you the attention you need.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Rita...yes...I normally give him privacy, but we were both downstairs when he made the phone call...I wind up dealing w/ my daughter who woke up about half way through his phone call and then I went to bed..but honestly...hes not doing most of the talking so I dont know what theyre talking about anyways. AH mentioned that hes the type that doesnt take a break between topics...AH has been able to say some words..but there are few oppurtunities...lol
Twinmom...AH mentioned the coke started getting bad a year ago..so that would make him 28....he knows he has responsibilty and at 28 you do...I just wish he would get his head back on his shoulders like the day when we got married...I know this is a slow process..
Well, he could be calling a phone sex line. Instead he's talking about how to stay sober ODAAT. So see how that registers whenever you pull out your check book to pay the phone bill. And as for being in the same room, it didn't sound like you were tied to a chair; you could have left. It sounded like you needed to sit there and make sure he was actually talking with a sponsor instead of a drug buddy. As for "conversation" your husband doesn't have 30 days of sobriety; right now all he needs to be doing is listening and taking advise from people with 30 years. I know my place of employment is hiring for back to school/seasonal employment floor employment and cashiers; if your really worried about cash, what about you getting out and working? Or do you already? And remember, let go and let god. When it comes time to pay the bills, you'll pay the ones you can and not the ones you can't. The ones you can't, call the bill payours and tell them the honest state of affairs; perhaps a payment plan can be worked out. If you take all the honest, appropriate action you can today, the results will take care of themselves. Lastly, you don't mention going to meetings (for you), working with a sponsor (for you) working the steps (for you) or doing anything recovery based (for you.) It sounds like as long as he's sober, you're gonna be okay. So what you're really setting yourself up for is "If I take credit for his recovery, I need to take credit for his relapse; If I take responsibility for his relapse; If I work his recovery, I need to work his relapse." You need to start working a program, dear. ASAP. Keep us posted. And take what you like and leave the rest.
Tiger2006...I go work...FT thank you...Im a computer programmer, so I make darn good $. AH mentioned he makes more $ now at where he works, so how are we broke, he wonders..hmm...well, buying a $30 pk of beer every other day and coke, plus court fees and lawyers fees, tend to suck up that money. As for "being tied to a chair", I know he wasnt talking to a drug buddy...believe me...if he didnt want me there, he couldnt told me or he couldve went into another room...like I said..most of the time I was tending my daughter and then afterwards, I went to bed. As far as meetings...theres one I plan on going to on sunday...but I have to make sure AH is home or get someone to watch my daughter. Im here..dont that count for something?
Excellent! I'm glad you have such independence in your life! I didn't catch that in your post initially. You can always bring your daughter to meetings if your worried about someone caring for her. As for being here--yes, it does count. But this board is recommended as a supplement, not as al anon. As in, going to f2f meetings and working with a sponsor are generally considered the bedrock of our program.
i will share with you. i have always gotten money back on tax returns. a few thousand.
Well thanks to the a disease not paying his taxes as an independant contractor.....guess who has been paying thousands and thousands of his back taxes.. you got it, me. plus becuz of this, i always used my returns to pay my taxes and keep up my vehicle.
guess what? I have NO real vehicle. I do love my 78 Chevy shortbed pickup, but nine miles to the gallon, well u no.
I live in a one room bunkhouse on my barn. I love it, it is basically a cabin. But am in a constant struggle not to lose my home. Mainly becuz i have animals who depend on me.
aism is like gum on your shoe, just sticks and sticks....yuk love,debilyn
