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It's sad how this rotten disease progresses, slowly but surely.
As many of you may remember my A and I are separated, we have 3 children and when he is sober he is welcome to spend time with us all. (He is a binge drinker) Our 16yo daughter is proving to be handful with the usual teen rebellion. Anyway had a problem with her this past weekend, her Dad was busy, at his house, drinking, so I handled the problem. A few days later I told my AH what had happened (as he is her Dad, I thought he needed to know what was happening in her life), his only response was that it was all my fault she was playing up and that, although he knew that our oldest and youngest child are his, he doesn't think the 16yo is his!! And he went home.
I am still shaking my head!!! I'm not angry, or hurt, just a little surprised, I guess, the disease marches on.
I honestly thought that this disease could not force us further apart that we already were, I was wrong!
I have no idea, there is no rhyme or reason for it, it literally came from no where!
But you are right our A's take no responsibility for anything in their lives and if they can blame someone else, they will take every opportunity to do so.
The disease unrelentingly, takes the A further and further away.
how strange or comforting that we all have such similar experiences with A's. my ex ah is blaming everything on me. he always has. or his mother. he seriously said to me that it was my fault that he has no money (not sure why as he hasn't paid child support in over a month)my fault that his mental stability is the way it is, my fault that he hasn't seen or spoken to the kids in over 2 weeks. and the really odd thing is that i start to feel guilty! i stupidly called him to inform him that our oldest is having an issue. he told me it was all my fault, i'm a horrible mother and i should go to hell. WALL__BANG HEAD HERE! at this point i am still mad. i can muster no more compassion. i bounce between the overwhelming urge to call him and engage in senseless arguments and knowing beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is insane, i am not and i am ok. i swear for me it's like a drink. i have to really fight myself to not call and ask to be abused! i sweat it out, saying prayers and turning it over and comming here and to my f2f.i am sorry you and your kids are suffereing in this disease. you are not alone.....
Funny, I was just thinking, before I sat down at the computer, that whenever I find myself thinking "I'm just being selfish" I should change it to "I'm just being gullible" - I've fallen into the trap of believing the A's version of events, again.
It's a shame,. really, because, obviously, I DO have faults, I am selfish sometimes, sometimes things are my fault and I am to blame. But, humans need feedback and context to use their judgment, and the feedback from that one source is so often off kilter.....
I have a suspicion that a great amount of the "rebellion" is based in the painful (albiet incorrect) belief your daughter has that her father doesn't love her or want her in her life. I also have a suspicion that she believes that if she creates enough havoc around her, you will be forced to deal with her and stay with her. That way you cannot leave her and you have to stay with her. Whereas her father abandoned her, you cannot because she is just too dangerous. It is only a suggestion, but have you and your daughter considered family therapy? Is she seeing a councelor for herself? I am not tlaking about a school councelor (often times the students feel embarassed to be seen there; I was fortunate that tehre was a group therapy session held 2x mo there that was huge for me). I am talking about a trained therapist that can help your daughter find a place within her world where she feels safe in her skin, is no longer taking her pain out on you, and is feeling as if "I will be okay, no matter waht my dad does." If you are not aware of these facilities, or are concerned about the cost, I suggest talking with your local family and social services--contrary to popular belief the sole purpose of these institutions is NOT to take children from families but to help families function WITH each other. It may also help your daughter if she got a job--something part time, specifically for her. I have spoken many times about my job at Khol's and, as much a migrane as it is, it is my job, it is my job to hold and to make the best possible of. No one can take it away from me if I give it my 100%, every time I'm there. no one can tell me I am "less than" when I go and give it my 100% and no one can tell me I did less than my 100% because I am the judge of my 100%. If there are no jobs readily availible (and some times this is the case) other families and their children have found a like wise energy in volunteerism, having their adolescents working in soup kitchens, homeless shelters, women's homes, et cetera. Soemthing regularly, weekly and consistently where your daughter can say "I did this. This is mine. You cannot take it from me. I give this my 100% and I am proud of my 100% when I do this." These are only suggestions. Please keep us posted.
