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Okay ladies and gents...This is my first time here. My name is Teresa. I'm a 27 year old Michiganian married to an alcoholic who is in total denial of his disease and becoming increasingly depressed, angry, and emotionally abusive. Here's the long story about how I ended up here:
Sunday night I went to my very first Al-anon meeting. I had set my phone to silence...but apparently if you even open it after you set the volume, it resets...so it starts ringing in the middle of the meeting and I fumble around like an idiot apologizing and shut the thing off. It was (of course) my husband.
So I call him back when the meeting is over. He says he was calling because he wants ice cream. Okay. I offer to go get some for him. He launches into this tirade about how angry he is that I would go to an Al-anon meeting. (so really, he was calling during the meeting to sabatoge me.)
Says I was keeping it from him (which is NOT true). I told him I had a meeting at 7:30 on Sunday. He asked what meeting, I said Al-anon. He said that was me keeping it from him. I told him that honestly, I thought when I said "meeting" he would know it was al-anon because A) what other meeting would i go to on a Sunday night. And B) I'd tried to go to this very meeting 3 weeks ago (but got lost and drove around like an idiot for an hour and a half)...so I didn't think I had to say it.
Went on and on berating me and saying how dare I go to a meeting like this just so I can bash him and tell the world what a terrible person he is. I told him that this isn't even a LITTLE what Al-anon is about. It's not even about the DRUNK. It's about helping the non-drunk deal with the problems that living with an alcoholic might bring. There is no finger pointing. It's not about fixing the drunk. He refused to believe me. Said over and over again that I'm lying.
Finally get home and he tries to power trip me. He's sitting outside. There is one chair outside. He says he wants to talk out there. I tell him I'd prefer to go inside because it's cold. (I was wearing a skirt). He told me to go put pants on because we were going to talk outside. Fine. I go in to put pants on. He realizes that he's being a jerk and comes in. we start talking. He keeps saying the same things he says everytime this happens. I'm a terrible person. I don't appreciate him. I never touch him. I'm taking advantage of him. Refuses to aknowledge that I've made a huge effort in the past weeks to tell him how much I appreciate him ad nauseum. That I've initiated the last two times we had sex. That I've been forcing myself to express my gratitude more physically. Ex. That very day I had raised up my arms and said that I needed a hug. But that was not me initiating physical contact because I didn't run up and grab him, he had to come to me...so really all I was doing was being condecending and mean.
Again, tells me that me going to the gym is a more damaging addiction than his drinking (and then he goes back and forth admitting that he has a drinking problem to saying that there is no problem whatsoever, he just likes to drink.) that me working out is detrimental to my health (even though I've explained that this is how I destress) and to our relationship. He thinks that if I spend ANY time away from home, I'm avoiding him because I hate him. I spent ALL weekend at home except for the about 3 hours I was getting groceries and gas on Sunday (which I offerred for him to accompany me and he declined) and those 3 hours were me avoiding him because I find him repulsive.
He kept going and kept going just EGGING me on and doing everything in his power to hurt me. Finally came to a head when he called me a B*tch. I got up, grabbed my purse, and keys and was walking toward the door when he grabbed my hood and begged me to stay. Played the sympathy card to keep me from walking out and when I didn't respond told me that he provides everything for me and how disrespectful of me...blah blah...saying basically that if I walked out the door (I was going to go for a drive and cool off) that I was walking out on him and that was it. Then got really mean...so I walked outside and sat on the porch.
He followed me out and started in again. Claiming that I don't do anything around the house and that he does FAR more cleaning than I EVER do. Telling me that I don't know how to clean the house...attempting to correct me on things, saying I'm a terrible housekeeper and wife essentially saying I'm lazy and careless. (which by the way are the very same things my sister's soon to be EX husband pulled on her and WHY she freaking left him and Rob KNOWS this...and always said was a load of crap and a cop-out that excuse was. Not to mention that all of it is completly false anyway.)...telling me that I just use him for all the things he's provided. BERATING me for not having a second job because 4.5 years ago I said I was going to look for one (which I DID, and didn't find anything that would work) and I don't have that second job so I'm a terrible lier. Refuses to accept that me getting a second job now is practically impossible since I work 30 hours a week now, and go to school full time and am working to hopefully get my yoga certification this summer. That I don't follow-through with anything I say (for the record, he's been saying HE is going to get a second job for about 2 years and as a matter of fact was talking about him getting a second job that very DAY.)
On and on for EVER just pulling out every possible slight he could throw at me. How terrible I am. He puts me on this like 30 foot pedistal and when ANYTHING doesn't go as planned, it's a tragedy. I pointed out that it's not fair to me that I'm somehow responsible for his entire self image, his self esteem and worth as a person. That's not my responsibility. He said it is.
Just on and one, berating me for never being affectionate enough saying I NEVER touch him. I give him SPECIFIC examples of the efforts I've made in the last few weeks, but they aren't enough. They aren't even worth mentioning because they were forced, or that me playfully slapping him on the tush a bunch of times doesn't count because he slapped me on the tush earlier that day so I was just imitating him so it doesn't count.
I don't know where to turn. The WHOLE time this fight was trudging along ALL I could think of was how much resentment and almost hatred was building up inside of me. I hate that feeling. I don't want to be resentful...but I can't help but feel like I keep getting my head shoved under water...
Finally I just stopped talking to him and he went inside...I waited a few minutes, came into the kitchen to clean up and heard him say a few nasty things under his breath before he fell asleep on the couch. I quietly got everything together, and got into bed.
This incident I BELIEVE was sober. But don't quote me on it. He's been drinking in secret for some time, so I never know for sure when he's sober and when he's not.
Okay, now that you've made it through how I ended up here...I'll give you the short reason why I ended up in Al-anon.
Almost a month ago, I came home early from class one night and caught him drinking. It ignighted a HUGE fight in which he threw every possible insecurity and vile thing he could muster at me, and when that didn't work...he picked up one of our dining room chairs and smashed it to bits. That was a wake-up call. The animals were absolutly terrified of him. He claimed that it wasn't a big deal and actually got FUMING mad at me because I did think it was a big deal. That incident sort of clicked in my head and made me realize that I've been dealing with his alcoholism for too long in the wrong ways (when it really began becoming a problem that I couldn't control, I just stopped eating. If I couldn't control his drinking, I could darn well control what when into my mouth. And yes, this was incredibly damaging for me...and I've since overcome it) and a friend really strongly recommended Al-anon...so I went...and now I'm here.
I also called on Monday to make my an introductory counseling meeting for myself. I'm hoping that if nothing else, I can learn how to better deal with these outbursts and not feel so controlled and put upon.
Thanks so much for getting through all that.
Sorry that was like a mini-series....trust me, Double chocolate chunk brownies to those whose eyes didn't give out before the end of this mess.
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I think that it's brainless to assume that making changes to your window's view will give a new perspective.
Oh yea, wanted to note that he was diagnosed as an alcoholic by a past therapist, but he won't go to a therapist now, and maintaines that he does not have a drinking problem, just that he likes to drink. So he is by no means in a rehab program. He refuses to see a counselor or attend AA meetings.
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I think that it's brainless to assume that making changes to your window's view will give a new perspective.
Wow! So sorry that youre going through this. As you can see, Im new also and just recently posted my story. Theres definately been some changes w/ my DH in the past 3 years. The only way he admitted that he was an alcoholic is when he had to attend a 2 day intoxication class. I dropped him off last tuesday and picked him up thursday. This was his 2nd DUI. HIs first was over 10 years ago. A video and speaker really made him open his eyes. It really stinks that my DH cannot drive for the next few yrs, but if him admitting he has a problem, then its worth it. Unfortunately, only they can help themselves..if hes not going to admit to you, then you should do something for yourself...like attending those meetings...*hugs*
Yea...I was actually convinced in the fall that his therapy was really helping. He was diagnosed as an alcoholic and (as far as I knew) had totally quit drinking. And then slowly it crept back into our lives. He doesn't drink as much now as he did before. Usually he only drinks on weekends, and when he goes out with work friends, but he's that angry "drunk" almost all the time. That's what really freaks me out. He's so unhappy and angry that I feel trapped. I'm really looking forward to (and am afraid of) my counseling appointment tomorrow...but the good thing is that I think this Sunday I'll actually be able to say something other than my name at the Al-anon meeting...
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I think that it's brainless to assume that making changes to your window's view will give a new perspective.
Does he have alcoholism in his family? My DH does....his uncle and cousin are....In fact...his cousin has been clean and sober for the past 6 months...grant it...this is prob his tenth time in recovery. DH hasnt spoken to him since last fall b/c he was using DH truck and totalled it and fled the scene. He was either drunk or high. So...you can see why DH hasnt spoken to him. It took a lot of guts for DH to call his cousin to help him, so hes been taking him to meetings. I think most of us think alcoholics drink everday....well not my DH. I guess one of the speakers from that class reminded of him. He wouldnt drink everyday...but when he did, he would drink to get drunk....Blow a few hundreds dollars at the bar and buy others drinks...its not like we have $ saved up to do this either...I notices changes w/in the last 3 years...when DH drank..I didnt mind it b/c he was a happy drunk...lately...he was annoying and I couldnt stand to be around him. I tried not to be in contact w/ him b/c any little thing he would want to start a fight and I just didnt want to deal w/ it. GL w/ your appt tomorrow!
Actually, he doesn't have alcoholism in his family...but both of his parents have addictive personalities. His mother is pretty OCD and his dad is easily addicted to things, and also has ADHD (so does Rob). His father drinks almost every night of the week, but not to get drunk. Just a drink after dinner or the like. But when they were both working, his mom would have one glass of white wine while cooking dinner, and sometimes one with dinner, and his dad always had some sort of drink with dinner. Generally a beer or two, or a guiness. So I think that Rob just thinks that he is doing what his parents did and not recognizing that for them, it wasn't a problem, but for him...it totally is.
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I think that it's brainless to assume that making changes to your window's view will give a new perspective.
It's interesting...my AH mentioned that I can have a glass of wine for dinner and not have another for 2 wks...he couldnt do that. I never looked at it that way...I mean...I dont have a problem, so it never occured to me.
Welcome to our MIP Family. Like we say to all our new members, we are glad you found us, but hate that you had to.
There are tons of things that we could talk about that your AH said in his "discussion" with you, but the main thing I have learned is that just because someone says it doesn't make it true.
Hope that you are able to keep attending meetings (f2f or on-line), read Al-Anon literature, post here on MIP and continue to reach out for help.
Keep coming back - there is help for You & you deserve it.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
Thankfully, I don't buy into the nasty things he says to me. I'm a very centered and independant person so I don't put value into his hateful words (used to, but I recognized that was completly useless so I put an end to THAT)...But I do plan to keep coming back and working with others to learn how to better deal with him and how to live the best I can with him.
Thanks again!
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I think that it's brainless to assume that making changes to your window's view will give a new perspective.
Wow! you said a mouthful!! Welcome to MIP, I hope you find the experience,strength, and hope on this message board the way that I have. We are here for you to lean on, cry to, or just vent it all out. Give to us instead of the A. I'm sorry your A is going through this and that you are watching him suffer like this. It is painful to watch our loved ones slip away to this disease and live in denial. I'd like to kick the snot out of my AH some days. I have to remember that this disease doesn't just cause the drinking and drugging that is just a symptom of this insidious disease. The hardest part is the distorted thinking the A suffers from. The blaming and shaming alone causes everyone so much damage. You are right though, the things that he's saying only can hurt you if you believe it. Keep coming back, reading, and posting. Surround yourself with the peace and serenity you deserve as a person. Glad you are here.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Hi, and welcome. Boy does that all ever sound familiar. It's a typical alcoholic rant, and honestly the best thing you can do is to ignore it. There is absolutely no point in justifying, explaining, arguing - no matter what you do, you are going to be wrong, because what he is doing is not about fixing problems in your relationship. It is about throwing up smoke and mirrors, doing a fancy tap dance, and distracting attention from the reality of the situation.
The reality is: he has a disease, which compels him to drink. Until he himself, wants to stop more than he wants anything else, nothing will stop him. You can nag him and pour his liquor out, or you can go to the movies - the result is exactly the same. So, alanon tells you to go to the movies.
In other words, keep your focus on you, make sure that your actions meet your standards, make sure that you are getting the emotional support, the fun and joy, the friendship and personal fulfilment that you need, and let him become unhappy enough to look for help. Protect yourself from him, emotionally, financially, and if necessary physically, tell him you love him, and stop doing for him what he is able to do for himself. This is very hard to do, but alanon has tools to help you.
Although it is not an alanon book per se, Toby Rice Drew's "Getting them Sober" is an excellent resource of practical things you can do to make your life more liveable. I'd also recommend one of the alanon daily readers, such as "Courage to Cahnge" or "One Day at a TIme in Alanon" and one of the "How is works" alanon books - "From Crisis to Recovery" is my favorite, but there are many. You can probably borrow them and can certainly buy them from your face to face meeting.
I'd also like to pass on something that was said to me once, when I was feeling so defeated - no matter how hard I tried, no matter what I did, he just blamed me for everything. Someone said to me "Bless you, hon, that's just what alcoholics DO!" Oh right. I had been expecting him to act like a normal person, instead of like someone with a horrid and deadly disease - no wonder it wasn't working.
Wow I could relate to much of this. The A I lived with (note past tense) was a ranter. I did my own share of ranting too of course. I am glad that you could get it out.
The A sits mired in resentment and self pity and then manipulates. I have been fodder for all of it for years. Then I came here and gradually stuff got to change. My detachment is never complete. I work on it most days. Today is better than others. I think mainly because I have removed myself from much of his chaos.
I have to say today when I cancelled the TV gave me some pleasure. The A is addicted to the history channel among others. Now he will have nothing. I know for me too TV was a soothing prescence.
One thing I find especially difficult in dealing with the A is the total lack of intimacy. The A does not feel he screams, he does not grieve he sits totally suffused in self pity. There is no moderation there.
so I put an end to THAT)...But I do plan to keep coming back and working with others to learn how to better deal with him and how to live the best I can with him. 
Welcome to MIP, I hope you find the experience,strength, and hope on this message board the way that I have. We are here for you to lean on, cry to, or just vent it all out. Give to us instead of the A. I'm sorry your A is going through this and that you are watching him suffer like this. It is painful to watch our loved ones slip away to this disease and live in denial. I'd like to kick the snot out of my AH some days. I have to remember that this disease doesn't just cause the drinking and drugging that is just a symptom of this insidious disease. The hardest part is the distorted thinking the A suffers from. The blaming and shaming alone causes everyone so much damage. You are right though, the things that he's saying only can hurt you if you believe it. Keep coming back, reading, and posting. Surround yourself with the peace and serenity you deserve as a person. Glad you are here.