The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm dating again, after 7 years with my ex-A. Ironically, this new person(an old friend)is in AA and has been sober 2 years. Long history...enough said. But the issue here is me. I'm trying to manipulate this relationship. It is obvious he likes me. And he likes my attention. But he is very concentrated on himself and his sobriety...GOOD, RIGHT? I should think so. But instead I am trying to "guide" this relationship into what I think should be happening.
After 2 months now, I think there should be romance. No. There is really just intermittent conversation throughout the day and an occasional dinner together. He seemsvery concerned that I may find another, or go back to the relationship I had (NOT LIKELY)...so it's almost like he "checks in" with me every 4 hours but never goes the step further to create a more romantic relationship---which would definitely keep my interest at this point.
Am I crazy here? I know, I should be just working on me. Maybe it's not the time for me to be in a whirlwind romance....but I miss that. My ex-A was so romantic, even drunk. It's what I equated with a "good relationship"...but obviously I am confused.
I know I should just let Go and let God...but I feel myself trying to make something happen as if it was a project!
Here is what I learned when I thought I was going to start dating. We get so used to the "excitment" or the "drama" of a life with an addict that when we finally do get a "normal" relationship, we don't know what to do. We find something like your doing to make out of it. Just let it be. If you were an alcoholic wouldn't you be hesistant for someone coming into your life of sobriety that could possibly be a trigger for your drinking? What if he does fall in love and you do break his heart? Would he drink? I think you should just take what he gives you if you really like him and let it alone. A normal relationship doesn't have work. It just flows and is rather boring. You find romance in the simple things. Good luck.
Trust your instinct on this. We all want to be loved, but the timing may not be now. If he ends up being a friend and you're comfortable with that - Great!. If not, then it's not meant to be. My A and I started off as friends, and that's always a good start for any relationship.
Remember he is still in the early ages of his recovery. He's focusing on his emotions and I'm guessing he may have some issues about losing someone after battling his disease. (Like I said, not knowing the person, I'm guessing/thinking out loud.)
I completely understand that control thing. Hard not too, after all that's a huge part of our recovery. Take a deep breath. Don't beat yourself up for it. It's what makes us human. I've slipped so many times in my recovery, good thing I have lots of padding back there! Turn it over to HP and let what happens happen. Realize you are right where you are suppose to be.
Love and blessings to you.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Have you thought about maybe writing down the Pros & Cons of the relationship so far? For me, I sometimes can get caught up in the thinking of I wish it where this way, or I wanted it to be like this . . . and I miss all the other really good things that are actually going on in today.
Then of course, there is always the most dreadful thing in a relationship - COMMUNICATION. - Yucky! - I hate that one. Maybe you could talk to him. He may not be sure of what you want in the relationship, so probably doesn't know unless you tell him. Not a big long production, maybe just a small comment every now and then. Plus then it is a great exercise in us learning to "ask for what we need"
Just my e, s, & h, that I have had to use in my relationship with my AH.
Best of luck to you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
