The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
This is his third day in detox. He already sounds better. He will be there another 3-4 days and then he is enrolled in an intensive out-patient programs. We have dealt with his alcoholism for the las two years and I was really giving up hope. Finally he admitted his problem and agreed to go to rehab. I am trying really hard to be positive (especially towards him), but I can't help but have some negative thoughts which I keep to myself. I don't know if thisis because of the lies and crap that has been going on for a while or what. Anyway, does anyone have any experience with out-patient programs. I was hoping he would be accepted into a 30 day program, but unfortunately they aren't plentifull in my area. I am really just praying this works, and any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
Welcome to MIP!! Glad you are reaching out for help to understand this disease. My understanding of outpatient treatment is that the A has to be detoxed first, then evaluated to see if they meet the criteria for the program, then have an evaluation. After the evaluation a treatment plan is discussed. My AH has considered outpatient treatment but has yet to take the steps in making the call. It doesn't matter if its an AA meeting or an outpatient group or individual drug and alcohol therapy the person has to really want it and follow the recommendations. I hope your A does well after detox. Keep coming back and taking care of you that is the best thing you can do for him now is to take care of your needs and allow him to make the steps and choices for recovery.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
1. get the book "Getting them Sober" and read it. 2. Log on to an online meeting here 3. Go to a face to face Alanon meeting in your community 4. Focus on yourself and your well-being. Living with an A takes it's toll on a person.
Been where you are and can't say he will get better or not...BUT YOU CAN.
Thanks for your encouraging words. I am not really sure what Alanon is all about, but I will check it out. Whit a FT job, three kids and college, I barely have time to think, let alone think about my mental health!! Ha!! Anyway, thanks again.
Welcome to the MIP family. Glad you're with us. There are some really good replies here. Go back and read some of the old posts. They can be very helpful. Here you will find great experience, strength, hope, wisdom and just a bit of humor. Good for the .
My A was a chronic relapser and he defines himself as one. It's hard not to have expectations and hope for his recovery. He was in a 30 day program as well as out patient therapy. He also relapsed during this time, went back to detox and drank within an hour of getting out. I'm not trying to bring you down, but I don't like to sugar coat things. It has been a long haul for us. But I am happy to say that he is in recovery still goes to his mental health several times a month as well as meetings. One never really knows what it will take for them to get sober.
I came to realize a couple of things though: 1. This is a disease. It doesn't justify his behavior but it explains it. 2. What we think is their bottom, is probably not their bottom. 3. Your recovery has to be about you and for you, regardless if he chooses recovery or not. This is about taking back your life. 4. The program is just as important when they are sober as when they are active. The dynamics of a sober relationship are different from that of an active relationship. I cling to mine more now than ever. 5. Never, never, never give up hope. Miracles/recovery are possible for both. There are many examples here of it.
Please keep coming back to us. You're not alone in this journey of recovery. We are all right here with you.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty <--- the cat
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
Taking a deep breath. I am so glad he is in detox taking care of himself. It is not easy.
He has an incurable disease. It will be part of him forever. It is not him, but he will always be an alcoholic. Whether he uses or not, he will have the same behaviors unless he works on how he manages his life.
You said he agreed to go. I hope he is ready, and did not do it for anyone but himself.
Believe me he may really want to go into recovery, but unless he is ready he will relapse.
I constantly use the same analogy, aism is a disease, if he hada brain tumor causing his behaviors, would you blame him?
Because of these truths, we have alanon. We cannot change the A's that we love. They cannot help that they are sick and it is not curable. Recovery is sort of like remission. Sadly part of the disease is a back and forth of using, rehab, using relapse and on and on.
We have alanon to teach us to let go of their disease. It is none of our business. We cannot do anything about it. So alanon teaches us to support each other by sharing and reminding each other of the alanon helps.
We want so much to help the A. But we cannot. To be anxious and worry etc. is a waste of your energy. We say let go and let hp. We learn not to even think about the disease and its behaviors. We learn to love the A and hate the disease.
There is no negative/positive over a person with a disease that is incurable, progressive and will probably kill them. If they use it is killing them every day of their life.
There is no judging them, anymore than me judging my much loved mother who was killed by breast cancer.
My AH is the love of my life. He has and is going thru hell. His disease has put me in hell many times. It has done about everything it could to me. We have lived with it since we met 37 years ago. I did not even realize it until 2000 what was really going on.
Been here ever since and pray we always have mip. I still am very much in love with him inside. Though his disease has 100% control over him, he is living with and using this unlady, and he is horribly mean to me if I ever bump into him.
I know it is the disease. I know my husban. I know he is inside that pod driven by addiction.
Please, we don't baby them. We love them, the person they are. I don't even talk about his addictions and don't want to hear about them. When he was here, and if his disease came out, I left the room, went out to the barn or did whatever.
I did not monitor him or hope or anything, becuz I learned I loved him no matter what.
I would not even take him to rehab or detox if he called and asked me to. I would say get there yourself. They have to want it soooo bad they will do anything to get there, and all the better if they just go.
The less we do for them, the better.
The more you do for you, the better. They are sick. I got everything in my name,depend on him for nothing. Then when he gets sick, relapses, whatever it does not tear my life apart except for him being tortured by the disease.
I refuse to allow a disease to tear me up anymore.
anyway I hope this helps some. It is hard to take in. Took me years to get here. I can tell ya if he called me or wrote me and was him, I would love to talk, and listen. I would love to see my A if he was him.
I know we will never be together again though. Even if he was sober 10 years.
The more you can stay out of the way of his recovery, the better for both of you. Supporting him means letting him know you love him, that you think he is a worthwhile person who deserves to get better. It does not mean doing it for him, being his jailer, his conscience or his mommy.
Don't expect too much from early sobriety - a lot of people refer to it as 'stark raving sober' and that's not far off. The best thing you can do for both of you is to keep your own balance, be kind to him but not walking on eggshells, afraid to 'set him off'. It is OK, in fact it is necessary, to protect yourself, emotionally, financially, and in every other way. You will probably have some resentments to deal with - I know I was expecting him to pull up his socks and start pulling his emotional weight in the family, after the years of me being the grown up. It doesn't quite work that way, and the more you can just let expectations go, and live day to day, the better.
I liked when kicky said "I don't know if he will get better but YOU can" I love that. So true. I personally have bills from several detox tries in the several thousands. He got better after I said "I quit" and got myself better. Still...........who's to say he's better? I can say I am though. Good luck sweetie. No one can tell you what you'd like to hear, it's just impossible at this point.
Thanks so much for your extremely helpful replies. My husband gets out tomorrow. I have decided to be cautiously optimistic. I see everyone's replies where they tell me to work on me and get myself well. honestly, it never even occurred to me that there was anything with me. In my case, I just couldn't take his crap anymore and I basically told him that if he didn't seek treatment, he could kiss me and his family goodbye. I think that was a real wake-up call. I also think he really is sick of living this way and was starting to feel worthless.
My question, I guess, is where and what do I do to begin to heal myself and my children. Two of my kids are quite young, but my oldest is 13 and I know that she knows what is going on. I always just assumed that this is his problem, you know?
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Miracles/recovery are possible for both. There are many examples here of it.