The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
It is March 27th. I just found out a few minutes ago that yet another person I have known for years and whom I loved died on March 18th.
He died of liver failure (not alcohol related). On top of being shocked and incredibly sad I am also perplexed and possibly a little angry.
This gentleman had a mental illness. He was not a raving lunatic. He was everyone's buddy and helped many in his situation. (If you want to find out how to navigate the mental health system in this province just ask someone who had directly experienced it)
I have a sneaking suspicion (no, a gut feeling) that one of the reasons many of us just found out about this today and one of the reasons his family is not holding a service of any type is because of the mental illness and the stigma surrounding it. (Okay, so I am not a little angry, I am very angry) It is not about funds, where I live the government would bury him.
As I said in the beginning of my post this gentleman (and he was) is someone I have known for many years.
Before becoming ill he never married, worked, paid taxes, lived on his own, had a large circle of friends whom he loved and who loved him, never knowingly hurt anyone, had an amazing sense of humour etc.
After becoming ill he never married, collected a company pension, lived on his own, had a large circle of friends whom he loved and who loved him, never knowingly hurt anyone, had an amazing sense of humour etc. I have never known him to impose on another human being. No matter what was happening in his life he pretty well handled it. The only difference was the mental illness. He still tried on numerous occasions to work, still had all of the wonderful character attributes and pssibly had added some. Often navigating this province's mental health system gives people a much larger sense of compassion, caring etc.
He loved his family, was always doing for the little ones. I don't get this. How do you not acknowledge another person's passing.
All of this being said, the reason I actually posted was to ask this question. Although I may not agree with how this family has handled losing him that is basically none of my business. My question is, is it too late to send a sympathy card stating that I have made a donation in his name to the organization which helped him to navigate our community? Even if I do not send the card I will still be making the donation.
Thanks for listening all lilms
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Two things: 1. Recovery is a process, not an event.....and.... 2. You only get to go around once. Leave em laughing and make it worth your while
Sorry for your loss and the shock you feel at just having found out. Myself, I would go ahead, make the donation and mail the card. How they choose to deal with it is up to them. In sending the card, you are acknowledging your friend's life in a tangible way.
I had a similar situation a few years back. Husband's uncle who was an athiest died, they had him cremated. The whole family gets invited to this little chapel at the cemetary. They had his urn and a picture sitting at the front of the room, and we all just sat there, not knowing what to do or how to act. There was no eulogy, no prayers, no readings, no music (not even background), no one said a word about this man's life. And his wife and 4 grown daughters were standing right there.....it was very weird and very sad, to me. To have live you life and no one can even say a thing good about you. My husband and I couldn't wait to get out of that place. My husband was raised very strictly religious, but has turned his back on anything even remotely related to the religion, or any religion for that matter. But, unless he states otherwise, and if I am in charge of his funeral (if it ever comes to that), I would hope someone would read something, maybe something that my husband would have thought was funny, or meaningful. Maybe someone could speak about a fishing trip they took together....something! I know when I go, I want a full out service with lots of candles, bag-pipes, singing, poems, bible readings. Funerals are for the living, but they should offer some respect for those who have passed. So sorry about your friend. He sounds like a wonderful man, surely he is blessed to have known you. May he rest in peace. Love in Recovery, Becky1
My heart goes out to you during your time of grief.
You know, if it were me, I would try not to speculate about why the family is not having a service--guessing what their motivation was for not holding a service is likely to just fuel your anger.
What seems important here is that you have lost a good friend and would like to find a meaningful way to celebrate his life and acknowledge your loss. I thought your idea of a donation in his name was a wonderful idea and here are some other ideas you might consider:
1) When you send the card and condolences to his family including a note about how much this friend meant to you.
2) Organizing some kind of event with his large group of friends to acknowledge your friends memory.
3) Encouraging others of hisriends to also donate in your friends' memory.
These arejust a few ideas to get you started! Iam confident that you'll be able to find appropriate ways to honor his memory, celebrate his life, and mourn your loss.
We never know the whys and what fors or how comes sometimes.
hon if I may say, let your love for this wonderful person shine thru. Send them a card, write how you described him to them, and tell them about the donation. Maybe they did not realize how important he was to others. Or maybe they cannot handle a funeral.
I can't go to funerals or memorials. With my closest, I am there when they are alone, sick ,and dieing when most others cannot be there. Death causes different reactions in all of us.
I too have friends who are challenged many of them. I taught sp. ed for 18 years and grew up with Billy who was my best friends brother, who has downs syndrome.
I tell ya lady, when my mother died, no one was more caring, and thoughtful than my DD students.
Anyway I am sorry you lost your friend. He sounded wondeful. love,debilyn
lilms, I am sorry for the loss of a good person and friend. You probably need to do what you WANT to do, so I'm for sending the contribution to the organization and also a card with a note to the family. Like Becky said, they can do with it what they want. Maybe they will even appreciate it. Ms wp
Please accept my sympathy in the loss of your friend.
Of course you can make a donation in memory of him, send a card, what you feel would be appropriate and respectful of him and his life.
If there is not a grave site to bring flowers and you would like to do something in his honor - There are tons of people in Nursing Homes and Care Centers that never receive flowers or gifts. You can always bring a donation of that type in honor of him to the Nurse's Station of a Care Center. The Nurses will know who needs a bit of encouragement. Then you know your gift has gone to someone who can enjoy it today.
Peace to you, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
