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A few days ago I posted that my AH and I have split up again due to his addictions and verbal abuse. It's been just over a week and I am doing well but I feel he is not. I went to an open AA meeting on Friday March 22 with some Al anon friends and he was there. I was pleased to see that he was there, as he has not been to a meeting for awhile. This was the first time I seen him since a week before. We talked small talk after the meeting and he dropped me off at home. He said he still Loves me and wants this marriage to work. He wants to change he tells me... Again those were encouraging words. I let him know I still love him too but we have to be parted right now so that each of us can work on ourselves before we can work on our marriage. He agreed.
He phoned me Sat, March 23 and informed me that he was going to another meeting and asked if he could phone me after the meeting to let me know how it went as it was a place he has never been to before. I said sure. Later on he called and he sounded very positive. He said he got a sponsor, and he not only is going to stop drinking but he is going to stop smoking pot too. I was pleased to hear that. Everything sounded positive until today March 26th.
My hubby had an appointment at the hospital b/c he is being tested for prostate cancer. He phoned me this morning asking me if I could be there for support. I arranged the day off to do this. After all I still love him, but I am not going to let him have control. On the way to the hospital he says he needs to move back home as he feels that this is the only way he can work his program and on our marriage. He says that his sponsor is in our area and when he needs to talk to him he does not have to drive so far. I'm letting him talk but as I was listening he sounded like he needs more help than just counseling and AA meetings. He said he's been very depressed with life since he left. He started a new job and he has already missed three days b/c of his emotions getting in his way. He kept repeating himself that he needs to move back home and we can sleep in different bedrooms etc... Over the past 11 years he has been up and down with his drinking and promises.
I have made myself a promise and boundaries to this situation. As much as I love him and want him back in my life I need to see him progressing first. I am still seeing negative and hearing negative and I just don't think I am quite ready to let him move back home in fear that he will go back to his old ways. He's very good at manipulating and controlling that I do not want that anymore. I let him know that we can be apart and still work on our relationship by dating first to get to know one another again. I brought this to my sponsor and she agrees. She does not want to see us jumping back into things to quick like we did in Aug. Please tell me I'm not be selfish. I am not going to shut him out of my life completely but I need to take things slow so that we don't end up breaking up again.
My sponsor told me that as long as we are apart and dating this will give the both of us a chance to see where each other is going. I pray for him every day. I am concerned about him,as is really messed up. I am keeping an eye on him without him knowing b/c I strongly feel his is suicidal. I hope I'm wrong but the same signs that I am seeing, are the same I seen in my cousin and he did commit suicide. I see my counselor on Wed so I hope she will give me something to work with such as numbers for me to call in case there is a crisis with him. I'm rambling on here so if anyone has anything to share with me I'd love to hear. Thanks
You are not being selfish. He is a grown man, and needs to get himself healthy before he can have relationships with another person. It is not your job to take care of him, especially because you don't really want to. You are not his mommy.
My husband is also often depressed, and has been suicidal in the past. Now, when he starts to moan about it, I say something like "What does your doctor say?" "Well, haven't actually spoken to a doctor about it......" It's all just "Feel sorry for me, take care of me, be the grown up so I can resent you for it....." and I'm not listening any more.
Support means saying "I love you, I'm rooting for you, I believe that you are a worthwhile person who deserves to be happy". It means a hug and a warm handclasp when he is down. It does not mean "I'll take care of you and let you run my life".
I also do not believe you are being selfish. I am sure that it may actually be easier for you to allow that part of the relationship to continue, but the truth is that you both need a change. I am always amazed and inspired when I see that people have accomplished so much to beat this disease and what it does to our families. You are taking care of both of you in the decision that you make. Love Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Alberta, I really enjoyed your post. You are very clear as to your boundaries and goals.
there are no mixed messages.
It is hard to watch our loved ones be so sick. I know the feelings of them being suicidal. However, we cannot control that.
If you can detach from the disease and love the man, you are way ahead. I sure see that in this post.
Your sponsor sounds great. I sure agree with her. As far as you seeing him progress some, I know from my experience it was better for me to let go and let hp. If I am gauging his inventory or his recovery plan, I am still being sucked into the disease. The key for me was to love him as he was. drunk, sober, on program whatever. It just did not matter anymore. I cannot control it anyway, even if he gets on a plan of recovery we never know when he/she will relapse. I don't want to base my relationship on whether he uses or not.
Of course they will, they are A.
You both have broken legs, how you decide to heal is up to you and your behavior. If you are always watching him, you are going to trip and mess up your own leg.
hello rose , it is up to him to use all that is available to him in recovery, sponsors are usually very accomadating and available 24-7 , he is stark raving sober and scared shitless living life sober is not easy , but it's not up to you to save him thats his job . Dating is an awsome idea since he is already out of your home good boundary , encourage him ,support his efforts but continue to look after yourself . Its as hard to stay out of thier reovery efforts as it was to get them to stop drinking ,my sponsor continually reminded me that I had no right to choose his method of recovery and she told me to mind my own business, if i learned nothing else at that time I knew I could not keep him sober and as long as I remembered that I was not the reason he drank in the first place I was okay. support him but look after you . Louise
You can probably go back & read some of my old post & get all the details, but basically my AH & I lived apart the first 15 months of his sobriety. We started dating again about 6 months in his recovery & that is when I started Al-Anon.
He now has 4 yrs in the program & we are still together. We still have tons of issues to work out - He still pushes those boundaries & I can just as easily give in.
Standing firm on your boundaries, taking care of your own recovery and allowing him the dignity of regaining his own self-respect will be a wonderful asset for your relationship.
It's different so it's scary - but trust in your HP & most of all Take good care of YOU.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
What occured to me was that until your loved one fully recognizes and deals with his alcholism, there is really nothing you can do. That he has a sponsor? Great! That he is beginning to fully, head on, look at the fact that his alcholism is destroying his life? Fantastic! Is this dealing with his disease? NO! No professional, rehab center, sponsor, or any act of god can help an individual unless they want to get sober. In the mean time, your sponsor is right. Working on you, working the steps FOR you, and working WITH others in al anon will do you a WORLD of good.
I have made myself a promise and boundaries to this situation. As much as I love him and want him back in my life I need to see him progressing first. I am still seeing negative and hearing negative and I just don't think I am quite ready to let him move back home in fear that he will go back to his old ways.
