The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Hubby called my cell phone today (while I was sitting in a movie) and I didn't answer it. After the show was over, he had sent me a voice mail, and said "I just wondered if you were ok.I saw your car still at the house when I was on my way to work this morning. ( I called off due to a migraine). So why the heck is he driving by the house and can't even come inside to SEE if I'm OK...and he normally does not even go by there on his way to work, it is out of his way from the friends house he stays at.
So, I get home from movie...he has called the house, left a message, very business-like "Please call when you get this, goodbye", so I'm thinking maybe he's wanting to come in and get some of his stuff or something. I laid down on the couch and fell asleep before he got there after he got off work. I heard the door shut, and that woke me up, but I didn't see him anywhere. So, (stupid girl that I am) called him on his cell....and guess where he WAS????? Across the street with his friend. Musta missed him, hadn't seen him since Fri. night. Said he knew I was tired and didn't want to wake me. How sweet of him. So he says he's on his way home. About 15 min. later, he still isn't home, and I had had enough. So, I call him back and in a nice voice said, I have somewhere I have to be, so I'll be home later". He just says OK. I was hoping to find a meeting, but there is none tonight, so I just came to the library.
I don't know why I "expect" him to act any different after being gone 3 days without us seeing each other. Geez, those old expectations die hard for me. I could feel my feelings getting hurt, I guess I thought maybe he'd at least come in the room kiss my cheek, or touch my head or something. I need to write romanance novels, I tell ya. I have a lot of good stories made up in my head...of course they have never happened to me, but I'd like it if they did! I am having a hard time with this detachment thing. It's OK with me if he stays at home, he makes the house payment, and I can't afford to. But, I still play those old recordings in my head of the old days "whatcha want for dinner? You want me to light the grill? You want me to run down to the meat market? (That is HIM saying those things, not me) Now, when it gets close to dinner time, I don't know what to fix or how much....sometimes he says he is hungry and will eat and I fix a lot and it goes to waste. Sometimes I don't fix much, and we are both grouchy because we wanted something good for supper. We always used to eat our evening meals together. I feel as though I have woken up in a strange land, living with a stranger, and we do not know each other's language or customs, or traditions. It is very weird. Any insight on this subject for me? I am glad he is home for now, I spent the weekend taking care of me, going to meetings and reading, went to 2 movies too. Too bad I had to miss work today due to that migraine, now my check will be short. What is so weird, as aggravated that I was that he didn't come in and spend any time with me tonight, I just felt calmer knowing he was home. Is that not the craziest thing you have ever heard. Talk about HIM being an addict. Sheesh! I need to look in the mirror! Any insight into my behavior would be appreciated. Love in Recovery, Becky1
Insight . . . hmm . . . (this really happened) I was chopping a big block of wood this am, and being five feet tall and female, I chopped and chopped AND chopped. Finally, I hit it one more time and the darn thing flew into four pieces. Sometimes a piece of wood splits obediently and others I'm whacking at it for fifteen minutes until it falls apart.
I see you standing in front of a wood block -- your continued focus on "him", what you want and need from him, what you aren't getting, and the pain it causes. I see you chopping away, taking a chop at it from this angle, that angle, turning it over, chopping some more, and still that log won't split, darn thing is full of knots. Finally, you give it one more blow and it falls apart, because each chop you made (sharing at meetings, journaling, writing on MIP, focussing on yourself not him, bubble baths and movies :D ) weakened that stubborn log.
Progress, not perfection. Each prayer and little step toward taking care of you, letting go of him, weakens the obsession. Keep it up, you're doing great. I wholeheartedly relate to your situation! Thanks for your share, Becky.
I hear the word detachment come up, but the reality is that, from my prospective, this isn't a detachment situation. For me this is a situation of "How do I go on and do my own thing when I'm not sure about the role that this person has in my life?" For me, this is where a sponsor would come in. A lot of prayer and meditation. I mean, what I'm seeing from his end is that he doesn't want to be involved because he's seeing that you're not playing games anymore. You're holding his feet to the fire and he's getting upset. So I would hook up with my sponsor and definitively state what needs to be hammered out in expectations with this relationship. Then I would write out in a letter to him, calling him to get a reliable address, saying explicity and honestly (no attacks here! will not work!) "This is where our relationship is at; this is where I am at in our relationship is at; this is the actions I will take if our relationship does not mature." I AM NOT saying file for divorce. I AM NOT saying file a restraining order. I AM saying take an honest look at yourself and him. I AM saying own your part in this relationship. I AM saying that if you are finding yourself hitting brick walls consistently and repeatedly, it is time to find out why, and what your role is.
I saw your car still at the house when I was on my way to work this morning. ( I called off due to a migraine). So why the heck is he driving by the house and can't even come inside to SEE if I'm OK...and he normally does not even go by there on his way to work, it is out of his way from the friends house he stays at.
