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I'm not really sure why but I have been on some kind of self destruct rampage for the past couple of months. I have been going out every weekend drinking and dancing and just getting out of the house. Most of the time alone. I have been smoking when I drink (I quit over a year ago) and now it's creeping into a daily thing. I have been obsessing over the guy I dumped and then called back, over my husband (I went to lunch with him on Friday). I feel like I am floundering, like a fish out of water. I was doing so well and now I feel like my mind is on a mission to destroy my body. I have lost my quiet calm and I know I have given it away but not sure how to get it back. Why must I obsess on a man in my life? Why do I need this attention so bad? I am starting to realize that my quests for fun, attention, affection are leading me in bad directions but I can't seem to stop myself. Today I am hurting and have been more and more lately. I want to tell my mind to quit! Don't call that guy, don't check your phone again, don't light that cigarette but I feel like I'm losing control of myself! Just wanted to vent. I know I need to take this energy and do something positive with it I just can't seem to get out of the gate with that!
(((carolinagirl))) Sorry to hear your having a rough go at things right now. Do you have a sponsor? When you feel the need to call these men, maybe you can call your sponsor instead. I'm recently separated from my hubby and miss him but I know if I call him every day or see him I am not going to be healthy. I want to be healthy for me and hopefully our marraige. I am taking One Day at a Time. I keep myself busy with other projects so that he is not on my mind as much. I read the CAL , I phone afriend to go out for coffee, talk to my sponsor. I write in my journal as well. These things all help me cope with situation. Mubby has the Alcohol and drug problem and I have detached myself with love so that he is able to find his way(if he does) and I find my way . It 's harder at times than others but I have to keep the focus on me. Hope you can do the same. All the best to you!
In my own life I found this is not an abnormal episode after a separation, divorce, etc.
I think you are grieving ...for what youu wanted things to be..for what you feel you lost.
After my divorce I felt this way, and I found myself hating to stay home .. going out a lot ...anything to try to take my mind off the pain. I felt so "alone" and didn't like that. I did things I never thought I would do and felt so ashamed. That just seemed to add to my despair for me.
I didn't have al-anon then, but if I did that today, I think I would pour myself into my m eetings ...talk daily with my sponsor..and constantly with my HP.
Allow yourself to grieve...write everything down on paper. Search out all the reasons you feel the need to have these people in your life. You may find there is a deep need inside yourself that you don't realize and you may be trying to fill that emptiness in these ways. You might research some information on the grieving process.
Just some thoughts on how it was when I went through all that. What might be right for me may not work for you.
i feel for you. seems like i am going thru the same thing. i don't have any answers. i've been praying like my life depended on it. just asking to be relieved of these feelings or given insight on how to be ok. turning my ex and myself over to my hp. realizing i have no control. yesterday and so far today i am feeling peace again. i am feeling like i am detatched from him and i am able to focus on myself. i haven't heard from him since he hung up on my hysterical self on saturday. haven't seen him in almost 2 weeks. wish you lived closer, we could go to the movies or meetings (or trolling at open AA meetings for good, sober alcoholics!LOL!) hang in there. all of this happens for a reason. you will be ok.....
Thanks for making me laugh Ellen... Trolling indeed. I don't need to troll, they are magnetically drawn to me LOL. I did some research into getting a masters online and found a good local program. Think I'm gonna try to rack up some more student loans... If working 30 hpw and doing a full time masters program with 3 kids can't distract me I don't know what to do with myself.
LISTEN. lol Carolina I see a woman who has needs but is looking in the wrong place.
NO ONE else can fill those needs but YOU. Carolina needs to find Carolina.
Do you realize you don't write about your kids. Forgive me, I am sure you have some? Hey I have been where you are. when I stopped and went back to school, took the kids camping and filled my life with being me and learning about me and being a mom, I felt so much better.
I did not allow the A around for Ten years and told the other guys I did not want part time and no more.
I grew up. You can give you what you need. love,debilyn
Have you done the 4th step yet? It may be time. Consult your sponsor Have you gotten into service work at the intergroup level? It may be time for that, too. It sounds like what you are feeling is that your life also lacks an outlet for you to have a safe source of emotional release. Discuss with your sponsor safe ways to release some of the emotional stress you are storing inside of you.
First of all, don't beat yourself up. We've all been there. Secondly, I recall when A first came back into my life, he would do sabotag us. It's like things were finally getting comfortable and he would do or say things, like "I'm getting back together with my ex. I've decided I still want my freedom. " (Frankly I took most of it with a grain of salt. I could never figure out WHY. It wasn't like he was doing anything bad, because he never acted upon those intentions. But I came to the conclusion, that it was almost as if he was testing me to see if I would still hang around.
Many years later we discussed this. He confimed what I had suspected. But he also told me that it was because he didn't think he deserved to be happy and loved. After all, look what he did to his children and ex at the end when he was drinking? His mother and exwife beat him - so he must be a bad person. Why would someone love him just because of who he is? Why didn't I beat him?
Sound familiar to you? Do you not think you are worthy of being happy? You asked your A to leave and look what happened to the family? (Sound like the little voice in your head?) It doesn't matter what you did saved your family. Like when my A left, it hurt them for a while. But in the long run it was best for all concerned. He eventually found his sobriety. He now has 2 happy families. His children and grandchildren and ex have reconnected with him. All is going well.
Maybe it's the same with you. You have to reconnect with yourself, who you are and all that you can be. We all slip in our recoveries. The beauty is that we can start all over any time we want to. There is no harder lesson than lonliness. But once learned we learn how to cope and move foward. A wise person once told me that you learn the difference between being alone and being lonely. The former allows for great serenity (even in a room filled with people) and joy. It allows us to be comfortable in our own skin and giving ourselves permission to be lonely when we are.
Perhaps talking to a professional might help you to work these things out if the self destructive behaviors continue. Maybe look for an online or f2f sponsor. I'm sure they've all been there. Meanwhile, as long as you are aware of what is going on, you're on the path to recovery.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
__________________
It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
You may not see it ths way now caroline but this is a good thing , we have blamed an focused so much on the alcoholic in our lives for so long we now get to see that even with them gone , our lives are not managable , now u get to work on yourself , change the things u don't like an focus on the things you do . Keep looking inward your worth the effort . good luck Louise
Thanks guys, I know it is me doing this to me. I just wish I could stop it. Yesterday I had a moment of clarity... I went to the beach (it was 85 here) and was walking along listening to my mp3 player and looking at the pelicans and seagulls and watching the way the sun sparkled on the water and feeling the way the sand and water felt on my feet and thinking what a beautiful day! And it hit me this is what it's all about the beauty in every single thing every day but most of the time we just don't pay attention to it we are too busy obsessing on tomorrow or later or some other point than right now. If I could just stay in the now and focus on the good of every day one day at a time would be a lot easier. I made a friend at work FINALLY!!! and we went out Saturday and saw a movie and have plans for this Friday. I am not sure why I feel so driven to have a man at least show interest in me even if he's not worthy of me! I have so many great things to be thankful for and I know I need to keep busy and quit letting my mind drift to the MAN that is not in my life whoever he is at the moment. It really is all about me and the kids now. I am not sure what this hole in me is that needs to be filled and constantly drives me to obsess on the MAN factor. Sometimes I am fine and others I am nuts!
wow! Can i relate to self destructing in my before-Alanon life"! It took me a long time of Alanon, therapy, and good self-help books before I had enough self-esteem to take care of myself.
There's good advice here by others and I can't think of any more to add except to perhaps read these posts, keep coming back, and try the suggestions.
My co-dependency didn't start in adulthood, it began with low self esteem when I was a child. I needed to grow up and it's not an overnight process. Now I am the focus not my A's. I had to work very hard to believe I don't need a man in my life. I am okay with just me.
Were you ever out on your own, without a man in your life? If not, this may just be something you need to learn how to do. A skill, like any other.
Looks like you know what to do - stay in the moment, keep busy on healthy things that head in the direction you want to go. Remember to schedule in some fun (summer's coming and the slow pitch leagues are starting up.....)
Befoer you know it you will be more comfortable with being manless, and once you get there, I wouldn't be surprised if healthy, good-for-you men start showing on your radar. Serenity, self confidence, and happiness are attractive, and best of all, what they attract is more of the same.
" (Frankly I took most of it with a grain of salt. I could never figure out WHY. It wasn't like he was doing anything bad, because he never acted upon those intentions. But I came to the conclusion, that it was almost as if he was testing me to see if I would still hang around. 
