The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
again thank you for the love and support. Luna said grow up and that really made sense. i am trying. i don't know how, at least i wasn't shown how to be an adult, or have an adult relationship. i have tried so hard but when working with an A it might just be impossible.
Yet again, i see it is me. i went to my kid's karate showcase today (she kicks butt!) and while i was waiting to go in i called my ex. there was this voice in my head screaming that i was just getting off on the drama and to stop. but i didn't and he was so mean, cold. laughing at my pain. just very typical A behavior in response to my very typical co-dependent behavior. i swear it was like seeing a brick wall and decideing to walk up and just start bashing my head against it. imagine if you saw someone doing that....that's what the occasional passerby got an earful. i cried (which kinda of felt good like a release....just the wrong time and place to release anything). oh, it was as bad as it ever was. he hung up on me i called back...i'm sure y'all know the drill. so i finally had my fill and turned off my phone and went and sat down to watch the kid. i sat and prayed to be released from these thoughts and feelings, i prayed for hp to take it, take him. i prayed for hp to help me believe i have no control over him or my feelings. i cried in the dark, i felt better, then worse. all the while blaring music and strobe lights. similar situations have occured for me in bars, when i used to drink.minus the 4 year old passed out on my lap (more often a 24 year old passed out on my lap).man, this is intense pain i am causing myself. just having the hardest time detatching, having faith, leading my own life. i just want to scream and cry, throw a full out tantrum. damn it how did i get back here? i asked hp that too. why? why did i let this happen? why did hp let this happen. so, my anger and pain have motivated me in the worst possible ways. i have done foolish things that hurt me not to mention the kids. just to cap off a totally painful day i went for ice cream after with my mom, her bf and his sister. where i was told repeatedly that i was a liar, lazy, stupid and really not worth the time spent. i did not respond to those barbs. nor did i believe them. ofcourse they were said with "genuine love".
putting it out here on the board and getting responses keeps me safer than journaling to myself. i don't know anymore.
I can relate to what you are going through . A month ago i had it . i mean we had a real big fight. arguement, LOUD discussion... etc., well things have quiet down some what. Now i've been getting this silent treatment. Actually it's nice. but it's ME.. I'm still wondering why he is doing whatever it is he's doing. like you wrote when i'm out, i need to ask him about something, i call, i get typical answer....Yeap. you said it co-dependents do these things. then i ask myself why? why did i even call him. now my mind goes thro' all kinds of things.. i keep telling myself DON'T GO THERE!! and pray constantly. I don't know why us co-dependents do these things. This program has helped me to get my mind a little settled. I use the tools, pray, meditate... still there are days and there are days. it helps to let it out here in these rooms. i know i'm liked still by all the alanonions. people in this program are the only one who can understand what we go through.
Why -- because you weren't ready. Only you'll know when you are ready. I use to hate it when people would say that to me, only I've found it to be true. When you are ready you'll be able to see things more as the choices that they are. It took me so long to understand that I had power within me, and that power was in how I made my choices.
I use to tell my sponsor that it's just not that easy as saying "it's a choice" -- I was using excuses. I behaved this way or that because of someone else, I was giving the only thing I have control over away and that was how I chose to behave. I was being led, instead of leading my own path. It is a choice. When you can get it down to being that simple, it does become easier. Doesn't mean you'll have it down perfectly every time, but it becomes much easier.
I still tell myself often, "it's a choice L, it's a choice." until I can get past what ever it is that is getting to me. It is difficult to break the cycle. Remember that when the pain of remaining the same is greater than the pain of change, change becomes easier. Only you'll know when you are ready.
I told someone recently that it is wonderful to get to know yourself, to see that person you really are, whole in every way that HP wanted you to be. You aren't lacking, it's in discovering who you are that you come to find that you don't need someone else to complete you. Someone else doesn't make you whole, HP's already done that. When you get there, the person you will want in your life won't be there to complete you but to compliment you and you him. And you never know, it could be your A.
You are going to be okay. Keep reminding yourself that you are deserving -- not because you have earned it but for no other reason than that you are wonderful child of HP/God.
An attitude adjustment is needed here!! Change how you are looking at the situation (picture) and lighten up. Example? If you are seeing yourself as less than accept that you are doing the very best with what you have (even though your perfectionism is saying that you're not enough). When you learn more and practice more you will do loads better and it will blow your imagination. Accept that you have been aclimated to crises and that this will change as you practice choosing peaceful behaviors and thoughts. Give yourself permissions and follow them with action. "I don't have to do this..." and then stop doing it. "There are no reasons to accept abuse" then don't put yourself in abusive situations and when they do occur use a permission to step out of the situation for no other reason than you will not allow yourself to be abused. Build a menu of alternatives to use when the insanity arrives. Have tasks that you can do that become important to do when situations become unhealthy. Sitting around with family as they attempt to pull you down or discount your self is a good trigger to excuse yourself politely and lovingly and then remember that you have forgotten that you need to do something important. (What's more important than taking care of your peace of mind and serenity. You already learned that your phone has an off switch. That off switch works before the call, during the call and after the call. Imagine that your phone is a painful hook when you use it to cast out to the alcoholic and anyone else who is in the habit of and who has your permission to beat on you. Memorize the slogans like "When in doubt....DON'T", "If nothing changes...nothing changes", "If it looks like a duck, walks like a duck and quack likes a duck...it's probably a duck." That last one is for acceptance and ridding myself of denial. "Addiction is not reserved to alcoholics and addicts...I am also addicted to my alcoholic."
There is a ton of supportive ESH out there at no cost to you...keep reaching out and asking. When you want the love you deserve come here (home to family) when you want hurt go there.
You are okay and getting better. Keep coming back and practice, practice, practice those suggestions.
You are trying so hard to get 'that certain something' you expect and need from your husband, probably pretty normal. But your husband is an A, so it's not realistic to continue to try. It's very hard to accept, I'm going through that kind of awful facing of the facts myself right now. A's are too self centered to see what you need. They can't participate in relationships like you'd expect from 'everyone else'. And by being in this relationship and being constantly denied, you've become desperate. It's totally OK, it's well along the path to where you are going. This in time will hurt too much to continue, and at that point I wish a miracle for you . . . it feels like one, to finally let go (at least of that). You sound bewildered by your own actions, and that is very good too. You're getting strong enough to back up and see the futility in it. It's another place in the process. You'll get there.
