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Well, what an evening---straight into Hell. I should have known that by his nasty attitude earlier today that it would not be good for a visit today. We both fell asleep at our own dwellings, and I called him back. Same attitude. I was totally set on keeping my boundaries in my home. I dont think he likes the new way things are happening--he is not getting away with stuff here anymore. He attacked me having illnesses, and being a "drug addict" because I have to take meds for my medical/mental problems. He called me weak. I told him he was the one who was weak. I urged to him he needed help and support. He said all I need is your support. I told him I can't carry him. He needs to seek AA. Once again, as before, he said he went to those "classes" before, and it took him nearly 2 years to get back on his feet. I told him sometimes it takes longer. I also mentioned that I knew he was forced to go and unless he saught help on his own, when he has hit his bottom, he will never be any different. He said that he was a country boy and had no bottom. Weird. He called me weak, and said one of the things he says all the time to me. "Grow up " I hate that. I defended myself, but to no avail. He left once, then soon came beating on my door again, saying he felt guilty and wanted to hug and make it up to me. I was not very receptive. He thinks because I do not want to put up with his that I don't love him. I told him it has nothing to do with love in that way. I just refuse to be talked to like that anymore. He doesnt like that. Oh Lord I sure wish I would be able to get my puter fixed. Hopefully my daughter can come over tomorrow like she said she was and help me reinstall the java I need to chat. I gave up on mIRC. too confusing. My mind cannot comprehend that gibberish at this moment. Anyway, after all the stuff I have blabbered out, I hope someone out there can make sense of it and give me some hope. I am proud that I stood my ground. The only good thing out of the whole night (not healthy, but at the moment was good) was that he brought me 2 packs of cigarettes and a candy bar.
I have been going thru a battle within myself about quitting smoking for some time. I had 4 days without a smoke right after the surgery just a couple of weeks ago. It is literally killing me. I am afraid to quit with everything going on like I might snap and flip the out. Can ANYONE relate to anything I have posted today? I love you all and am glad you are there for me. I really do love this man, but he needs help. I am trying to get mine. Thanks,
Sounds to me like you did very well at standing your ground.
I know it's not easy. Things worthwhile seldom are.
I know with the A's and the "isms" in my life when I started sticking with my boundaries was when they started attacking me. I soon found out that I did not need to "defend" myself. The more I tried to the more that gave them something to come back with and therefore enhanced the argument phase. I don't feel I need to defend my actions ...I am doing what I feel I need to do to take care of myself. Sometimes it seems to me that need to attack me and when I respond with a defense it seems to validate them attacking me more....therefore the big argument. I refuse to be drawn into those now. They can have their own chaos party all by themselves. They can call me weak ...and have many times....I think it's a reflection on themselves. i know I'm not weak, or I wouldn't be working so hard on my program. It's ok ...I know I'm strong.
I don't know what to tell you about the smoking. I am a smoker, and I know that when I am going through stress it is almost impossible for me to quit. Only you can make that call.
We love you and are glad to see so much progress in you!
I guess I really did stand my ground this time, and he did NOT like or enjoy it, believe me! I suppose as you mentioned, when he said I was weak, it is a reflection of himself. Deep down, he must feel weak because I know for sure he thinks about quitting alcohol--he has even told me, so I really have no idea what is going on in that mind head, and heart of his. We are greatly connected, but this just kinda puts a big kink in the chain, and chains don't run their course real well with kinks, do they? I kinda am talking to all of you and myself at the same time. My Indian Grandfather (best friend for 10 years), told me a while back that I am on my journey. I have had many discussions with my friend. He is like a different kind of father I never had, and my dad and I have a wonderful relationship. This to me is an "extended family". He considers me the daughter he never had (has 10 boys). Anyway, I have figured out the my journey is to lead me to peace with God and myself. Does that make sense guys? I know I am not too popular here because of my wacky posts, but I remember the tradition that talks about principles before personalities. I have lots of friends and support here and I love you all------((((((((((((MIP))))))))))))))) LETS HERE SOME MORE ESH ON THIS BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO SINK INTO THE PIT OF DESPAIR AND DEPRESSION, WHICH I NORMALLY COULD BE DOING RIGHT NOW.
__________________
This is HippieTrippieChick Signing Off
Be blessed and have a wonderful day.
Remember God loves you.
PEACE
hippietrippiechick wrote: Anyway, I have figured out the my journey is to lead me to peace with God and myself. Does that make sense guys?
Seems to me that that is exactly your journey - the only one that matters. You have made such amazing progress. Give yourself a big pat on the back, then watch some TV and go to bed. You are still weak from your surgury, don't forget to take care of yourself.
Thank you for the encouragement. I guess someone else has to tell me before it begins to make sense to me. Like when you gain or lose 10 pounds. lol I know it is late, but I am so peaceful at the moment, getting sleepy however. Just trying to relax so I go to bed more at peace than all the crap that went down earlier today, plus my therapist said I was a little manic. Good night
__________________
This is HippieTrippieChick Signing Off
Be blessed and have a wonderful day.
Remember God loves you.
PEACE
attitude. I was totally set on keeping my boundaries in my home. I dont think he likes the new way things are happening--he is not getting away with stuff here anymore. 
