The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I can't breath. I have known this feeling before, it's anxiety over feeling controlled. I feel out of control. What's the first step? Admitted we were powerless. Step 2: Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.
I feel out of control and insane. I am watched, my every move is monitored (no I'm not parinoid, this is fact). I am contacted by my A numberous times a day to make sure where I am. My cell phone calls are watched. He is unemployed so is at home most of the day...watching, controlling.
I say the serenity prayer: God help me to change the things I can and accept the things I can not change and the wisdom to know the difference. That gives me temporary peace, but then he is back again....watching lurking. He does not harm he does not threaten...I know that is comes out of his own sense of insecurity and he is not drinking, but dealing with the "isms" and without the benefit of the program.
I want to stay sane. I know what to do: go to f2f meetings, journal, read my books, come in here, but so much of the time he is standing over my shoulder watching. He reads my journals, so I can't journal. He doesn't know my nick so I come in here and journal on the rare occasions when he's gone, like now.
I have been married only 8 months. I have been in al-anon 15 years, I know better.....so I finally walkied out Tuesday and said "I have earned my 15 year coin I'm going to get it, my birthday was last October. It's time.
Thank God for Al-anon. My face to face group listened to me. I lost my sponsor to diabetic complications three years ago, when I went through my last divorce. I realized as I was sitting there, asking for my 15 year coin, it was "her" birthday month. My HP is so good to me, he reminded me of all my sponsor taught me and that she is still her with me in spirit. I will find another sponsor in time, in God's time.
Java, I truly cannot imagine the feeling of being totally controlled by another person. I feel more compassion for you than I can say.
Have you thought of getting yourself out of this trap while you still can? I am not advising you; only suggesting that you consider a future without this person. ANyone who steals our "self" from us is not a good person. We must be allowed to fly free, explore, learn, and experience. When someone (even our spouse) disallows us to be what we are, he/she is reacting to deep feelings of his/her own inadquacy and lack of self-worth. And if we allow this mistreatment to continue, sooner or later we lose touch with the value of ourselves as well.
Journaling is probably not too productive if he reads your journals. Is there a personal place where you can hide them? YIKES! I know I am not of much help here, but I am always baffled by controlling types. I probably would have knocked him senseless then walked out the door, but that's me...
Do take care. And while I have offered really nothing in the way of comfort to you, please know that I care a great deal, and I am pulling for you.
Diva
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
I understand how you're feeling. I was married to a controlling, horrible man for almost 20 years. Unless they're willing to get help, you are going to be powerless to stop him. Understanding that is your first step towards getting better yourself. It's so hard to put up with, even if you know WHY they're doing it. Nobody should live that way, you included. I am now married to a wonderful man, who doesn't control my every move, who doesn't check my cell phone, or hire private detectives to "check" on me. Even though he doesn't physically abuse or threaten you, what he's doing is still abuse. I'm sure that you try to be very careful about everything you say, everything you do, everyone you come into contact with, I could go on and on. It's exhausting and not worth it!!!!!!!!!
Please, see yourself as deserving better than that!!! You don't deserve this!
You said you walked out. Good for you! You do know better. It still hurts. I look at it like this, there has to have been a lesson or something there that your HP put that man in your life and I guess now it's time to move on. Congrats on that 15 year coin. That's amazing! I am proud of you. Wow! Keep on going. All this will pass. You are in my prayers ^i^
