The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
first of all, i want to thank you all for the love and support in your replies. i try to keep those thoughts in my head when my feelings come up. i'm having a difficult day today. the thought of my ex with another woman is driving me insane. i am so hurt. and i'm trying to justify these feelings in my head.like he should have given me more time to forgive him, apparently "i love you" means only till he finds someone who will put out, who doesn't know him. whatever. it really is just that i am hurting and i want him to fix it. reality is he can't, never could. i am the one who wanted this divorce, wanted to move on, wanted him to drop off the face of the earth. now all i want is him to want me, love me, be at my beck and call. confusing kind of. as soon as i knew he didn't want me anymore i fell back in "love" or obsession. apparently i have some major issues with how i treat others. but he is different....he is an awful human being who has done many awful things to me. so why the hell would i want that back? i deserve more, i want more, i can do better, love for real. why am i having such a hard time letting go? i do not believe that is in his best interest to be dating another AA both with only a few months sobriety. i know that it is frowned upon in the program. i believe that it will lead to a relapse. he has told me stories of others who have tried to do that and both people wound up relapsing. none of my business i know!!! what i don't know is what the future holds for him or for me. i am so mad. i have been sending him mixed signals for months. it really is about me and having to deal with myself and my feelings and faults. at the same time he lied to me for months and i feel used me, pretended to be my friend just to get what he needed. again, why would i want that, be attracted to that? i tried the rebound thing when we were seperated before and it didn't help me get over him, it made me want him more. the comfortablility, the sameness. oh, i am just so mad! thanks for letting me vent my insanity. love to you all....
You ask the questions and then you answer them. That makes me know that you know in your head that you have done the right thing; it is your heart you cannot convince. You say he is an awful person, you deserve more, you can do better. That's all true. Give it time...the pain of it will ease.
They have a way of making our lives miserable and then going on with theirs without a look back. Doesn't seem fair, but all we can do is what is best for us and move forward ourselves.
You'll be just fine. Stick to your decisions, walk tall and proud, and sooner than you think, you'll feel as good as you look.
With sincere caring,
Diva
__________________
"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
My sponsor taught me a very important lesson when it comes to jelousy: A rope is good for 2 things, pulling oneself out of a hole and hanging oneself with it. Check yourself with your rope.
I was in your situation not too long ago. I was GREEN with envy when my ex got together with someone else...I went through all of the topsy-turvy that you describe...the jealousy, the wanting them back, etc. Here's what I did: I played the tape all the way through. I imagined that my ex left the new partner, that the ex came back to me, and that we got back together. And, I realized that I did not really want my ex back--all the reasons why we broke up in the first place were still very much there. There were real reasons why we broke up and those reasons didn't just vanish if my ex came back. If my ex just came back I knew I wouldn't take my ex back because nothing had really changed.
So, girl, nothing changes if nothing changes!!! I had to start protecting my own sanity and one way was to stop imagining the wonderful life I was sure my ex and the new partner had,--in my most bitter moments I was sure they were living MY life, the life that was supposed to BELONG TO ME! As they say, pain is inevitable, suffering is optional! I wanted to sit around and torture myself with the if only's, and when I gave into this kind of self-torture, it made me truly miserable! I had to get busy to get better! I started exercising, eating right, going to bed on time, and doing activities that i enjoyed. I made a list of things that I had always wanted to do with my ex, and I started doing them myself. In time, I have felt better and I am starting to heal.
You are going to have face that you will always have contact with your A because of your kids. You will probably see him at all those functions that families have to go thru. But You don't have to sit beside him, you don't have to "act" as if you are still a couple. You Don't have to live or allow the appearance of the illusion. Stick with what's real. You are divorced.
Let him go, let go of the control, open up the door to the wonderful life you have that you're not allowing yourself to live. You may have good days, but they appear to only be good if you know what is going on with him -- and he is doing what you think he aught.
This is going to sound very harsh, I don't mean it so. Act like the adult that you are. I was told this and it helped me, I had to face that my maturity level went down to the teenage level when it came to my A. Stop playing the games. You are a beautiful person, whole and full of life, deserving of a great relationship without all the crap. The thing is you have to believe that...you have to believe that.
Sticking with what is comfortable, no matter how crazy, is easy. Reaching for those things that are good for us is unknow territory and so hard a times... you are worth those things.
