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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Hard night
Post Info TOPIC: Hard night
Lunamoth


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Hard night
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It's been a while since my A has made me cry.  He succeeded tonight.  I could have banged my head against a wall trying to make him wake up and see.  Yes, I've been there and done that -- you'd think I'd have learned by now. 

My Son has to finish his pinewood derby car (scouts) by Sunday afternoon.  I had taken him by the HobbyStop to pick up some fancy weights in the shape of roll bars for his "dune buggy" -- attaching them is the problem, they are lead, soft but heavy.  Anyhow, this derby is to "spec" -- weighs too much you don't race, to tall, to low to the ground, too short, wrong tire etc, you don't race.  It's a big deal. 

It was such a beautiful day today, the kids wanted to go down to the creek, I wanted to make bread.  That stupid car was the last thing on my mind.  Until 8:30 tonight that is.  Tomorrow we have commitments in the morning and a church function that night.  Sunday morning is church, then directly after is the derby. 

We have a few hours tomorrow to put this thing together, test it, and weigh it.  My son asks me to call the A.  I knew I shouldn't have, I told him he should but he's nine and doesn't like to talk to his dad.....wonder why??  Long story short, the A can't because he's going to work in his yard and a friend of his is coming to help.  Said he was here Thurs. our son should have worked on the car then but he didn't so it's his own fault.  The A has put in 1 hr w/ our son on this car.  I'm so frustrated.  His darn yard is more important than his son.  The fact that he needs someone to assist him with his little yard pisses me off.  Yesterday I walk more than a half acre putting weed and feed down and maintain this place without help yet he needs help over there??  I'm so mad  that again, I asked him for something and again he is too busy.  We only need one hour from him.  I really went off the deep end -- Not proud of it but I was determined to make him see -- see his messed up logic.  It didn't work, it just frustrated me until I cried.  Part of my frustration is that he always say, just ask me or let me know.  That is BS.

Then my daughter brings me a note "Mom -- Sometimes you have to give up a fight that you're just not winning.  It's not that you're being a quitter, it's just sometimes enough is enough."

hmmmm......I hate that I keep going back to this place.  Like I have the power to make him see anything.  It's a battle I'm just not going to win.  It's like I hate him for being so empty inside, I hate him for what he is missing....and I hate him because there is just no way that I can make him see.   I'm tired of being angry.  We'll get this car put together, and ultimately arguing with the A just wasn't worth it.  Will I ever learn?



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ZiggyDoodles


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Very wise daughter you have there. She is very right. Will your son be okay? Yes, and life will go on whether or not the derby car is as it should be. If it is meant to be then it will happen as it is supposed to be.
I am sorry. Sometimes, they get to us....our guard isn't always on the on switch (permantly) probably wouldn't be human if it was.
I know one thing is for certain, I have read many of your posts and if anyone can pick themselves up by the boot straps it will be you.

Hope you have a great weekend.

Ziggy


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ZiggyDoodles
nmike


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Luna,

Great insight. Just what I needed to hear. Waiting for someone to change. Always being disappointed. I have heard those exact words from my AHsober so many times. It is the disease talking. Enjoy your children.

In support,
Nancy

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evey


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Lunamoth,

Pine Wood Derby!! I totally understand, my son just earned his arrow of light and moved up to boy scouts(AH missed Blue and Gold, was in rehab) anyway-I learned a thing or two about attaching those weights over the years. What we did was hollow out a piece of the wood under the car, between the axles, then hot glued(and screwed if you got the screwed type weight) the weight into the hollowed out part so it lays flat under the car. We also added weights to the back of the car where the driver is  because weight in the back will push the car at the end of the track when you need that kick! Once you get the wheels in and they spin evenly, store your car in a towel upside down, wheels up. Do not add stress to the wheels/axles. Bring your hot glue gun to weigh in and a few coins. A quickly glued on penny can add an ounce if you need it, or even a washer if you have one. Get there a little early and ask a den chief if it looks ok. These older boys love to give their winning tips! Try this site for some more tips.

http://www.scoutorama.com/derby/

As for the AH and his yard and his BS-I have nothing. This disease sucks.

evey

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debilyn


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ya know in my experience, the A is invisible unless he/she decides to show up. Otherwise I never ask anything from him. Why bother, then ya just have drama and I choose not to have it.

Isn't Evey cool? I know you can do it Luna. Just doing it together is the fun part.

My son got a remote control car and had to put it together. sigh. But I tell ya, that boy can do anything now, becuz he taught himself everything.

eh ya learned ya don't like what happened. So next time, well I just would not have a next time.

hugs,debilyn

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lin0606


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Wel, evey got there first with everything I was gonna say - that's exactly how to do it. One thing to reassure your son with - lots of the kids don't have dads to help them get it just right, so there is some help for you at the derby, as long as you get there early enough.  Better to be a bit underweight than over, you can add a washer.  We still have all of my son's cars and trucks - by the end of scouts they got pretty fancy!

As for the A, yeah, why  keep beating your head against a brick wall?  He's gonna do what he's gonna do, and he's gonna twist it so he thinks he looks good doing it.  All you can do is not depend on him, and then enjoy the good times and ignore the bad.  It's not great, but it's what you've got.

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Tiger2006


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Luna, my mom was the one that bailed on me with girl scouts. When I was older, she didn't see me off at prom (or at any dances for that matter), she didn't want to come to graduation (dad told her he would call the judge that heard their divorce if she didn't). The others are right: just get your son through derby, and take it easy on yourself. It's gonna be okay.

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Maria123


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(((((((((((((((((Luna))))))))))))))))))))))),

I am so sorry hon.  So many emotions there.  We don't care if others disappoint us but to disappoint our children kills us moms.  Bless your beautiful daughter for her wisdom (not that it helps at the moment).  I gotta confess, I hated those pinewood derbys because we had our sons do their cars, their way with our guidance and the cars that were done by Dad's who were living vicariously through their children won.  They missed the whole point of the derby.  I think scout masters outta work on the cars with the kids during their meetings to keep the dads outta of it and ensure that the kids are doing the projects or bam the dern derbys.

Much love to you friend,
Maria

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Karilynn


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(((((((Luna))))))),

Yes you will learn. I have slipped so many times in my recovery that it's a good thing I have lots of padding back there!  When we are in the midst of things, sometimes it's hard to stop and count to 10, 20 or 100.  To tell you the truth once in a while it felt good to pick a fight with the A.  It got out all that frustration and hurt I was feeling. Just don't tell anyone my secret!   The beauty about recovery is that we get to do start it all over again anytime we want.

Love and blessings to you and your family.

Live strong,

Karilynn & Pipers Kitty



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