The material presented
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information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
What does it take to live life at your own pace? I got in a panic this week because my AW who I have been sperated from for 5 months now, declared that when her lease is up " she's coming home ".
Well, since she has declared that she is not ready to stop drinking, I have an issue with that little move. Now she has not shown up at the door... hands full of luggage, but I am scrambling all over to figure out what my rights are.
I don't think it's a bad idea to understand the facts, but I was about to go ahead and file for divorce, simply to keep peace at my home. (The only legal way to avoid her moving home.)
If I was ready to run out and file for divorce, I would have done it already. Now if she does show up with boxes next month... I will have to decide, but her spiteful declaration doesn't have to kick me into motion.
Our decissions, and our actions are ours. When I realized that once again I was playing the handpuppet, I was upset with myself for being there, but I guess that was just another oportunity to learn. (I seem to be having more than my share of those these days ... LOL!)
Just thought I would share that... I hope all is well with you. You are all in my thoughts are prayers!
Take care of you!
PS Luna, hope I didn't startle you with the subject on this post too... LOL
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"Good judgement comes from experience... experience comes from bad judgement" - unknown
oh dear, well she left the home, she cannot just come back. I really doubt it is legal.
Change the locks. Tell her no? I am not telling you what to do. But sorta thinking outloud. NO way would my AH be welcome or legally able to just come to my home.
You might want to find out the law in your state. I remember though that for instance in a separation, I always here attorneys say, if you leave, you lose the rights to anything in the home, so take what you want when you go. And then if they want to come back they have to come with a sheriff or police officer and can only get their cloths. And she has nothing there right?
You may want to call the sheriffs office or police and ask them what rights you have.
OH boy just what you need huh? Well good for you for thinking it all out. And remember too, you made a boundary, you told her, and remember how we are taught in alanon not to make a boundary we cannot stand behind....
Well keep us posted Mr. You have come a long ways uno? love,debilyn
Well not being an legal eagle, I can't tell you the legal sides. As for in whose time, I guess it's life on life's terms. My feeling is, you set a boundary and have stuck to it. Keep doing that. She's on her own and has choices to make. If you're comfortable with that boundary then stick to it. Remember it's about doing what is best for you and your family. Recovery is about taking back your life, and that's what you are doing. By the way, beating yourself up for making slips in your recovery doesn't work. I know I have more self-inflicted bruises - good thing I have lots of padding back there. Be gentle loving man. You're awesome! You've done remarkable things. Remember where you've been and how far you've come.
Love and blessings to you and your family.
Live strong, Karilynn & Pipers Kitty
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It's your life. Take no prisoners. You will have it your way.
That comment would have scared the schcockeye out of me. I probably would have hit panic mode in zero to 2 1/2 seconds!!!!
Don't know about where you live, but in my state (a community property state) unless I have a restraining order you are not able to keep your spouse away from the community property home. They have just as much legal right to be there as you.
Which brought up all kinds of resentments, cuz we wouldn't have a community home unless I had been the responsible one & paid all the bills. Right?? Geez, crazy legal system.
Anyway, I can empathize with your fear & pain. And, yes, you can take a deep breath and realize that just because she says it doesn't mean she will do it, but still take steps to have a Plan B if the need arises.
Hope you have a relaxing weekend. Please also, be good to you & do something nice for YOU.
Peace, Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
This is my experience and maybe state vary. My ah owns this home and it's all in his name however, when he was drunk and had moved out two months earlier he tried to come back and I called the cops. They said "sir, do you live here" and he said "yes, I own the home" I said "he has not lived here in over two months and none of his belongings are even in here" They said "sir, your going to have to find another place to go" I think if you do not want her there you do not have to allow her back. If she is still drinking I totally agree with you not wanting her back. I would call your local law enforcement just to make sure but I'm pretty sure you do not have to let her back in. Good luck. I wish you the best. Getting my ah out of our home was the BEST thing I ever did for myself and our children. Lots of love to you. Your in my prayers ^i^
I'm reminded of the saying that once we feel like we have finally got it down right, something changes.....that of course is just life. What a wonderful thing it would be if we could get to that comfortable place and just stay there. But then we would never grow.
Okay, so what does program say about this?? Do some reading on Fear-- False evidences appearing real -- Unless your wife's lease it is up tomorrow you have time to take a deep breath and think (not react). I've read the other replies and see that it varies from state to state, I'm married to my A, we are phyiscally separated. If he were to try to come back I could have him legally removed from the property-- even though we jointly own it and his name is on the deed. I have changed my locks (for me that was needed). Filing for a legal separation might offer you the security of keeping the peace in your home without a divorce.
Here's something to think about, I recall you posting about something similar to this, you mentioned how your wife asked you if she could return home -- and at that time there really wasn't anything preventing her from coming back. Now she's stating she's coming back. If she wanted to why wait until the lease is up? For myself, I'd have to ask "Is my A pushing my buttons to get a reaction." Remember to say what you mean, mean what you say, just don't say it mean. And be prepared to back up what you say.
Don't live in the what if's....live in the moment--there are still many good things going on in this day. Do your homework, lean on your HP and remember to leave the outcomes to Him (HP). It's tough turning things over, just keep giving it to your HP.
(((((((((((((rTx)))))))))))))) I read your post and it was like a blinking neon light that articulated my experience that serenity comes in stages. It would have been so great if once I saw the issues then serenity was a constant ... but in reality when something happens like your separated AW declaring one day that she's moving back in rather than sitting down and discussing it with you and coming to a mutual resolution that works for the entire family ... well when similar things happen(ed) to me with my ex I also panicked. 6 or 7 years ago I'd be spinning in panic and didn't know what to do. Even a year ago I'd have all the physical panic reactions, but I'd see what was going on and take steps to try and detach before making decisions. Today, I still get that sick creepy nerve ending feeling, but I see the issue sooner, can detach sooner, can find the resources I need to make a decision that works better for me sooner. Progress not perfection. I can't wait till next year! Meanwhile, those decisions that stare us in the face before serenity is our constant companion ... they seem to keep on coming. You know, there are lots of variations of boundaries and variations of how to enforce those boundaries. For me, lots of times I need to ask for help from HP and from some trusted human types to help me find a new way to look at a situation and a boundary and what I'd do to enforce it. And I think it is especially hard when it involves the kids and when the issue goes to whether a long-term loving relationship will survive. Give yourself credit for all you're doing and for your own progress, maybe recognize her progress (there probably is some), take a deep breath, consider the 1st 3 steps, and take it one step and one day at a time. I think you are doing great; I'm sorry it isn't easier. You've got to Believe that everybody's HP in your family is working on this issue and then do your best to take the next right step. emma
