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Okay I thought maybe i understood the disease but I guess I further progress into rebuilding myself, there are new things I am seeing. Basically I am curious to know, does an A see the changes his spouse maybe going through. Does it affect them? and if it does has anyones A acted out cause they didn't understand? Also when you started Al-anon did you tell your A, do you tell your A and what was there reaction.
I guess as selfish as my hubby can be he still gets hurt, he still does feel I think. I know he doesn't show it very often and usually when he does show emotions after a major event. He seems to be more emotional now when he drinks. Says more things like he is trying to get things out in the open but I refuse to talk to him while he is drinking.
See I guess with mine (which is hopeful thinking) he does not use nearly as mcuh as he has in the past, he has greatly cut down in the past almost 2 years. Although he has not sought any counseling can an A start to heal somewhat or can things get worse emotionaly for them. He all his life has never been an open person, always the type to run from it as his mother has said. Does it make it worse for someone who is an A, but also comes from an Alcholic family.
I think asking questions is how to understand this disease. My AH saw the negative changes in me but could not understand why I had changed. All he knew is that I was more easy going and laid back and then I became rigid, angry, and resentful. The more I act out in my disease of anger and resentment and controlling the more he acts out. I definitely believe that my behaviors and actions have hindered my A's growth. Changing myself is the only way I can see my A being forced to deal with his disease and his regrets.
This disease is progressive if a person is unable to admit he/she has a problem the disease will progress that includes using more alcohol or drugs, or the acting out behaviors increase. I don't think a person can grow very much if they are still using and feeding their disease. My A was sober for almost a year but didn't want to work his program. He did show some progress during that time while in therapy but it was marginal. He still believes he has the power to quit using when he wants to and doesn't understand why he would need to use a twelve step recovery program to stop drinking and drugging. I think this disease is all about "stuffing" our true emotions down so we don't have to look at it and deal with. The alcohol numbs out those emotions or intensifies them depends on the person I guess. Just my thoughts.
Peace, Twinmom~
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"The people who don't mind matter and the people who mind, don't matter". (Dr. Seuss)
Hon after awhile the A does not need as much alcohol to get the same effect. He has not cut down. His liver and other organs are not working as well to clean the toxins out of his system. Lots of physiological things are changing in his body.
I have been told alanon is the most hated thing for A's. It loves to work in secret, manipulating, lieing, stealing, using and more.
Once we are in alanon we see the disease with new eyes. We realize all it cares about is itself. We no longer enable it, we can no longer manipulate us. nope we are no fun anymore, we cannot be used and abused anymore.
When you get angry and fight, the A loves it. It means the disease has you under it's control. You are now as bad as it is.
If you are still a lady, you walk away, leave the room, the A feels more ashamed of itself. If you allow it to control you into rages, cussing etc. the A feels it has the right to be the same and not feel ashamed.
Also watching them, gauging their behavior is moot too. They are way sneakier than you can even imagine. He could have stuff in his pocket, he surely has it hidden all over. When my A left I found bottles stuck all over the place and I have five acres and a barn!! I just found some a year later!
The key is to stop, it is their disease, their problem. We can do nothing. If we learn and follow alanon skills it is the best thing for our A's. They no longer have to feel ashamed for the pain they put on us as they see us protecting ourselves.
just the topic I need to hear. deblin, you said it clearly. My AH, has been sober for almost 3 years. with alcohol that is. but he's also a chemically dependent, so he takes all kinds of pills etc. As far as he's concerned he is not an alcoholic, addict or all that stuff.
I needed to know once again what I already knew about they think Al anon is stupid program and I insult him by going to it.
Then there is all this mood swings. I never know what to say or do. Any minute, suddenly he gives me the silent treatment. Doesn't talk to me. stays by himself in the room.... It hurts ,needless to say. I try to keep working the program .letting go helps, though hard to do. I need to do a lot of detatching. Glad to be here.
For me, so newly "getting it" as far as not focussing on the A, it's dangerous to wonder if the changes toward health in my behavior affect him. I'm sure they do, but since "how" it affects him is beyond me, I redirect my thoughts away from that and Thank God or HP that I have the presence of mind to do so. (I reread this, and as true as it is, I do not mean this harshly at all :)
Since it is VERY NORMAL to wonder :D, who wouldn't, I also would say I hope like heck they do for his sake and our sake together. I just try to leave it up to HP and what goodness and health still reside in him.
I know my A feels, sees the truth, sees the hurt and what it's done to us, himself, our lives. He is an A but nowhere near stupid. I just don't expect him to act upon truth or respect because of the denial. I tell myself it is working on him bit by bit, but what the results will be is again, beyond me. I can't say enough what a relief this is deep in my soul to let go of wondering about him. Detatchment does not kill the love or the bond, I'll attest to that.
debilyn wrote: Hon after awhile the A does not need as much alcohol to get the same effect. He has not cut down. His liver and other organs are not working as well to clean the toxins out of his system. Lots of physiological things are changing in his body.
I have been told alanon is the most hated thing for A's. It loves to work in secret, manipulating, lieing, stealing, using and more.
Once we are in alanon we see the disease with new eyes. We realize all it cares about is itself. We no longer enable it, we can no longer manipulate us. nope we are no fun anymore, we cannot be used and abused anymore.
When you get angry and fight, the A loves it. It means the disease has you under it's control. You are now as bad as it is.
If you are still a lady, you walk away, leave the room, the A feels more ashamed of itself. If you allow it to control you into rages, cussing etc. the A feels it has the right to be the same and not feel ashamed.
Also watching them, gauging their behavior is moot too. They are way sneakier than you can even imagine. He could have stuff in his pocket, he surely has it hidden all over. When my A left I found bottles stuck all over the place and I have five acres and a barn!! I just found some a year later!
The key is to stop, it is their disease, their problem. We can do nothing. If we learn and follow alanon skills it is the best thing for our A's. They no longer have to feel ashamed for the pain they put on us as they see us protecting ourselves.
He is sick.
keep coming back. love,debilyn
Very well said! From my experience once I started to better myself and live as if he were no longer a part of my life then he wanted in on that. He saw me smiling and laughing and just enjoying life. He wanted it so bad he fought the alcohol and is now sober. On another note, it's so true about their bodies not needing more. My best friend who passed away only had to take a sip because he liver could not do it anymore so after multiple seizures, she finally died from it. It just goes so fast. :(
Many A's feel threatened by al anon because they have no understanding of what is, they think it is a bitch session about them. My A was no different. I went anyway. In the beginning he was very resentful as I began to change. Slowly, he began to see the positive changes in me and he began to change too, for the better. I am not saying it fixed everything, but it opened a dialogue about our relationship and how we negatively affect it through our actions.
There is a young lady in our tuesday evening AFG whose husband put himself into rehab. She read his AA big book twice, and starting coming to Al-Anon. after two months in Al-Anon, her A/h noticed the changes in her. He told her that whatever she was doing, was incredible and she should keep it up.
So yes, at least some A's do see the changes in us. Not all will see it as a good thing however.
Regardless of the A's perspective we need to work on ourselves. Al-Anon will help restore us to sanity.
