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Dear ((((Roomies))))))) Since finding the rooms of Al Anon I've looked back at my life to see if I could learn any patterns that were sabotaging me, where I was sabotaging myself. Has anyone else found themselves sabotaging themselves? --- And how have you stopped the cycle? This is a bit long, but please help me think this through. I need al anon support here, please. A couple of big sabotaging issues for me led me to learning about boundaries and trying to remember, when I find myself faced with what seems to be a big problem or barrier, to ask HP to help me look at the situation from a different angle that will help me learn the lesson for me the situation holds or just not to get caught in my own stinkin' thinkin'. There's been some great posts on this board about boundaries ... and I've also gained some wisdom from f2f mtgs and from readings and some tapes. The challenge is that once I learn how to set boundaries that I can enforce, the other person is still seeing the "old me" and will push back when I set my boundaries, and sometimes they push hard. I'm trying to figure out something ... so I hope to get feedback from you all. I have had a series of experiences where I've ended up in work situations and personal relationships where boundaries were needed, I set them, I said what I meant but didn't say it mean, and I got crucified, or so it felt. Without going into details, the pattern seems to be that I come across as able to handle or fix lots of things, so people keep trying to put more and more on my plate and when I say "no" they get mad and somehow I have not figured out how to make it so the shit they throw my way doesn't stick to me. Of course this started in my A family of origin. I was the child who basically did things that a parent should do. A couple of boyfriends during my college years would say things like that I'd make everything right whether it was their father's death or day-to-day life for a lifetime. In my marriage I was to do it all, and when my health failed so I couldn't anymore, where I set boundaries, essentially I was punished. And this has been the pattern at work also. I'm a professional who does a good job, gives 110% most days, but who has stopped taking on everything. And I'm tired of being punished for setting boundaries, but I don't know how to protect myself after setting the boundaries. Help me look at this from a healing perspective! So, this leads me to recently at work. Without details (too many, anyway;) I am fortunate to work for people who I believe are kind, good-hearted people. I believe absolutely in their goodness. We've got 2 issues that seem to be leading me down the old path. One is that supervisors, etc take on too much so that they are working 60 - 80 hours a week while making a low social services wage, and they are driven by emergencies and crises of the clients, and reward each other when they get personally involved with clients and buy things for the clients out of their own pockets. The other is that I have more experience and education with regard to certain discreet aspects of the job I do than anyone else in the organization, and this seems to be becoming a problem. One of the ways it's become a problem is that I can read financial statements, and when provided the one addressing my work and then answering questions posed to me, I answer those questions honestly, or if it seems too blunt, I ask questions to be sure I understand the assumptions underlying the numbers. Recently around this issue I was asked to do something that I believe would fail for the organization, and it is something that is not even my job, it is someone else's responsibility to do that work. I set my boundary, I said what I meant but didn't say it mean. I know the person who asked is well-intended and needs the help because they have too much to do (they don't set their own boundaries), but it is a question of my saying that 4+4=1 or setting this organization up to fail, and I ethically can't do that. You know, I never used to think about protecting myself, I just spoke up if I had something to say. But given my patterns, I'm trying to figure out if I need to protect myself, and what to do that is not going behind the back of my colleague. Al Anon tells me I can take care of me. But I'm feeling that I don't know how to do that when I set boundaries and people repeatedly push back HARD. Help, please. Comments? Insight? This pattern is wearing me down. Am I still suffering from stinkin' thinkin'?
You post is kind of vague as to what kind of backlash you are receiving. I also do social work and have computer skills so periodically am asked to do other things but I guess there are 2 things here. 1 the more frequently you say no and mean it the easier it gets for the others to accept AND 2 what they think about you is not your problem.
It seems like it would be pretty easy to explain that this is not your job and you don't have time to deal with it. Just be straight up! I would say something like.... I know you feel........but I really am not able to do.......... right now because I have to do............... And when my day is done i walk away no 60 or 80 hour weeks, that's insane and that's not taking care of you or respecting yourself.
When we talk about "self sabatoge," what is meant generally is in terms of relationships, recovery and growth. The girl that finally gets a guy that treats her right, and then does everything she can to just get into him, just so he'll dump her and SHE can say what a piece of you know what he was. The student who finally makes the dean's list and then parties all the next quarter, only to be on academic probation for the next year. The new hire that gets the job of their dreams, and then screws around on their company once making partner, leading the company to be under investigation by the SEC. These kinds of behaviors are rooted, at least they were for me in the following things: 1. That I did not deserve good things. I had been taught from a very early time that any time good things happened to me, it was my fault that it was a fluke. Some cosmic accident had taken place, and I needed to ready myself for the reality that, sooner or later, this good thing would disapper. The rug, figuratively speaking would be pulled out from under me. Given that these good events would not stay around, it stood to reason that I needed to get rid of them. Therefore I found ways to get rid of them by my own hands: the guy that treated me right, I did everything I could to screw up the relationship; and when I finally realized that he WOULD NOT DUMP ME, I dumped HIM. The professor/advisor who cared very deeply for me in her heart, willing to go up to bat for me under ANY circumstances; I changed advisors. 2. That I do not deserve love. This is an especially toxic belief that I am relieved to say that so long as I am working the al anon program on a DAILY basis I am relieved of. In light of how hateful my home was, there was no room for love. Therefore, I was not given any. Moreover, I was taught that I did not deserve it becuase I had not fufilled what my parents thought was "love worthy:" I was not pretty enough, smart enough, good enough, or anything enough. I had not, most importantly, fufilled the expectations they had set for me before I was born, like stop their drinking and drugging and save their marriage. This too allowed me to believe that if I did not recieve love from my parents--who are supposed to love you no matter what period--then what? Self sabatoge is a method of controlling the future and believing that I know what's best for me. I strongly suggest that if you believe you have a problem with this, you consider working with a professional. Anyone I have known who has had a problem with this has found the most success under professional supervision.
Thanks Carolina and Tiger, You're right, I was vague ... given that this is a public board being too specific does not always feel safe to me. I realize that limits the info any of us gets in terms of a reply, I kind of take that as 'a nature of the beast' reality of the situation. I appreciate your insights and sharing; helped me as I thought things through. Especially the reinforcement of the more you say 'no' the easier it is for other to accept (give it time)(thanks Carolina) and the supportive reminder that I/we all deserve love and to be treated well (Thank you Tiger). And that was especially important because about the time Tiger posted, my situation got bumped up to a potential insubordination situation. SO, I went to the HR person here, asked about what is confidential and what isn't. And then after saying a little prayer to HP ('I'm putting my life and actions in your hands, help me say the next right thing') I outlined the situation along with that I believe in the goodness of people here, and the basic boundaries that were important to me (not in those words;). The short story is that HR helped me look at it from a perspective that provided an option where I could be true to myself and offer certain assistance. HR also said the conversation raised no emergencies, so it could remain totally confidential, and she included in emergencies if I was planning on leaving the agency, because the agency wanted to keep me there. It was a wonderful resolution ... I still need to go back to the person, but I feel I have options to do so that support me, the agency and that person. Thanks much for being there when I needed to be heard. And thanks, John; I'm grateful you created this mip Board. emma
You said a lot of good things emma. Sometimes it is just not what we think it is. Would you gain more clarity if you separated issues? Like take a look at your childhood and then take a look at work? Sometimes I pile on too much at a time and it becomes overwhelming. So the Alanon slogans of keep it simple and one day at a time come to mind.
