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I feel like everytime I get used to something or think it's OK then I am reminded that really it sucks.
THe A picked me up 30 minutes late from work, whick was silly because we only live 7 driving minutes from home. typical. Then we go to the park garden and it is nice out and he starts trying to cut the flower buds from this Japanese bush with his fingernail clippers (OK it sounds really silly now) and I say "don't cut those off" and he shouts SHUT UP!! And I am like "...what?" and he says it again. So I tell him he can just F off and I also tell him he can shove some stuff somewhere but I wont say what or where here. I stomped off to the car. Maybe it's not a big deal, but I know the head gardener at the park and she puts alot of work into those exotic plants and they are there for everyone's enjoyment. Ugh it's stupid anyway. So I go to the car and I am so mad I want to ditch him and just walk home. I rummage through everything trying to find a post it so I can tell him that I walked home because I don't want him to wonder where I am. He is back to the car before I find any paper and I can't believe how lame I am.
He occaisionally snaps at me to "shut up" and it boils my blood everytime. I would never say that to him, but my reaction is usually much poorer, in fact it usually ends with me saying the filthiest words I can think of and downright immature name calling, to which he never seems to respond to at all. And he usually snaps it out of nowhere. It makes me so mad. I don't deserve to be talked to like that. Why does he think I do? There have been other things, little things lately that have the same flavor. He talks down to me. And it makes me just hate him with all my heart.
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
Well, there is only one part of this that you have any control over, so.... you know what I'm gonna say.
If you are not happy with your reaction to his behaviour, try something different next time. What used to happen with me, my A would push and push and push until I would lose my temper, yell and scream and cry and throw things, and then, funny thing, he would calm right down and suddenly be so calm and cool and normal, looking at me - falling apart - with faint disgust and disdain. This of course made me crazier! He got some sort of charge out of seeing me lose control of myself and behave badly,it probably made him feel not so bad about hs own excesses.
Anyway, the only thing I could do was to not fall into the trap - not disappoint myself and behave in a way I didn't want to. I haven't always made it, but the times I did were worth it.
Have you started working the steps? With a sponsor? Have you started working on your prospective and attitude? Until you start from that angle, nothing's gonna change.
it's an A thing. Or maybe it's a co-dependent thing. I get to the point where I sound like a total psyco low-life. The language that comes out of my mouth surprises me. But he seems to calm down with every passing minute. The more out of control i get, the more in control he seems to get, which ofcourse makes me crazier! what a cycle. Right this minute I am really fighting the urge to call up and start with him. I am so upset with him. I am not letting him see the kids, I haven't called him and he calls me and leaves this message on my phone as if everything is fine and he's avaiable to watch the kids...it's all about the kids. Games, just games. So, I don't know how to deal with him so I am not calling him at all. Oh good luck hon.If we don't let them make us crazy we've won.
lin0606 wrote: If you are not happy with your reaction to his behaviour, try something different next time. What used to happen with me, my A would push and push and push until I would lose my temper, yell and scream and cry and throw things, and then, funny thing, he would calm right down and suddenly be so calm and cool and normal, looking at me - falling apart - with faint disgust and disdain. This of course made me crazier! He got some sort of charge out of seeing me lose control of myself and behave badly,it probably made him feel not so bad about hs own excesses.
Anyway, the only thing I could do was to not fall into the trap - not disappoint myself and behave in a way I didn't want to. I haven't always made it, but the times I did were worth it.
This is the honest truth, and it really does work. Immediately! I spent this last summer in endless cycles of him going out on binges and me completely losing it when he finally made it back home. In the last month or so, I realized I treasure my peace and ease with myself too much to abandon it and fly at him in a rage. The headaches from crying and shouting, the things I said that were so mean and hurtful, the inner turmoil that is inevitable after I let loose IS NOT WORTH IT. And it never made a damn bit of difference in his behavior!
At first I thought if I didn't confront him "he wouldn't know what he did", or I was being a doormat. Ignoring his attempts to engage me is so much more powerful. And I do have a 'blip' on the radar, but with a little self talk (or a lot!), I find my mood is not much affected and I forget fairly quickly. When you speak to someone and they ignore you, it sends a powerful message. It's a boundary. And, it's something YOU can do to make your life more pleasurable and less dramatic.
Thanks for sharing your experience, it helped me to put my own experience into words, which I haven't done yet.
"Nothing changes if nothing changes." Only you have the ability to take action -- whether it is change you, your work, your home, your family, your life. You. You YOU. YOU. you.yOu.
How do you picture what your life should be?
with love, always cj
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time to stop going to the hardware store to buy bread.
I want to be more independant and take care of things myself. The most upsetting thing for me on that day (wow it was just yesterday) was that I was right where I have always been...waiting for him to pick me up. And when we had our little "tiff" or whatever that was, I just wanted to split, but I felt like I was stapled to him. And I want him to treat me with repect!! I know, theese are all things that I have at least some control over. I guess I am still scared to get out from under him. I went to two meetings, and I feel I have done steps one and two. I don't have a sponsor. I guess I am...shy. OK I know that is lame as all heck, I just, well I just have to work harder at it. Thanks Jamie
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I'm like a pinch of tea...put me in hot water and see how strong I can be.
