The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I have started to post several times over the past few weeks about my AH's strong tendency to adopt whatever mood I am in. I confided in him some fears a few weeks ago and he talked me out of them, but proceeded to relapse and refer to our conversation as the spark. Then I made a big sale for work and got really excited and he wanted to "celebrate." Then I had a discussion with him about some things I would like to say to my Mother, but probably never will because it would change nothing. Later that evening I had to call her about something and while we were having a very pleasant conversation, he was making the most hateful looks. I had to put her on hold and tell him to stop.
I was trying to post that I was finally realizing that he is so co-dependant himself that I don't think I can share anything with him anymore because he takes everything to such extremes and dwells on it forever! Well, he just called and we had a very long conversation in which he said that he just this morning realized that he does this! He said that he uses my mood to control his and that it is destructive to both of us. He wants to learn more about co-dependancy and learn how to take care of himself and his own moods. He wants to stop living to try to please others. He said when he wakes up after drinking, he obsesses over how to make me happy in spite of what he has done, but now realizes that he needs to think of his own well-being before he even takes a sip!
I don't know if I am conveying the value of this realization, but it is wonderful to me. He said he is going to read Co-dependant No More! Mind you, not only is he an A but both of his parents are too (and pretty nutty to boot). We both wrapped ourselves up in each other for years, but we are beginning to be able to care about each other, instead of care for each other.
Anyway, I am very happy and see this as a sign that both of our programs working!!
As I read your post I kept thinking, wow, can I relate. I eventually chose to keep my conversations neutral, and share with others who were more balanced, lol. That's not the best route either, everyone wants to be able to share with their spouse --- only the ups and downs are so hard to deal with.
I'd be celebrating too, his willingness to look at why he does this. The 3 A's come to mind. You have to be aware you are doing something, then you have to accepts that you are and eventually you can take action about it. Just remember it is his job to figure out why he's doing this. (And add that he's even willing to, to your gratitude list )
Yeah, it may take his awareness a couple of chances before he actually starts to work on his issues, but you don't have to let that slow YOU down. He may also find alanon very helpful - we have a lot of double winners here. I would suggest that for the most part you don't go to the same meetings, though - you won't feel free enough to really speak your minds.
Good for you, anyway - doesn't that spark of "AHA, NOW I undersand" feel great?
