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In my last post you could see I broke it off with a guy I really liked because he was no good for me. Well last night I broke down and sent him a text message and called him. I missed having someone to talk to. I told him that we would only be friends never more because I can't take the chance with another alcoholic. I decided I wasn't in a position to throw away potential friends and he was a really sweet guy despite all his issues. I guess as long as I don't get sucked into fixing him it will be ok and I really enjoy talking to him. Hope this doesn't turn out to be a bad choice!
OK, you opened the subject, so I am allowed to comment.
Yes, he probably is a bad choice. You know what "issues" can do to you. Why open the door to more of the same? There are people out there who are without serious baggage. You need to find them. Or look inward toward the answer to why you have chosen another A. I cannot bring myself to have a positive feeling, so I guess the old cookie cutter, tried and true, "Do what feels right for you...here's a hug...(((((carolinagirl))))))))" is about all I can offer.
Diva
-- Edited by Diva at 12:05, 2007-03-20
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"Speak your truth quietly and clearly..." Desiderata
If you have been reading my recent posts, you will see I have been in a similar situation.....After Five weeks of no contact, I spoke to him, told him how I was feeling about everything that has happened......He told me he wanted us to remain friends....But I text him the next day, and told him I couldn't do it........That night I felt guilty, and I cried all night. And I text him the next day again.....Said I was sorry, he had tried to fix the friendship, and I threw it in his face.......I said I wanted us to be friends and do it right this time....He said "Okay"....
I have not saw him in a week......I have been awesome this week, after six weeks of tears, and pain...... I have found a new strength within me....To get me going again...Smiling, laughing, just being free to do what I want....And I'm loving it....
I also love this guy with all my heart, I want to spend the rest of my life with him...... But right now, his recovery is not good...He is suffereing..And I have to give him space, to get himself better again....I too was sending texts to him...But It's not doing him any good..Also, If he doesnt answer them it does me no good either....
I know it's really hard to do... But please, give yourself more time to your programme.. Go to meetings, get a sponsor if you have not got one...Come into chat. and read, read, read....lol
Sending you some strength to help you get through this carolina
Has anyone told you that you don't have to settle? That you are worthy of the very best. That you don't deserve "less than" That Your HP wants the very best friends for you. People that have the very best for you in the hearts & minds.
I don't know if this guy is a good friend for you or not. But I do know that all of my life, I have felt like I had to settle. Only since working on a program of recovery, have I learned that it is ok to strive and look for the very best in my relationships. That my HP wants me to have happy, healthy relationships. And I truly believe your HP wants the same for you.
I hope that you will continue to look for the very best in all your relationships. You deserve it.
Rita
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No matter what me and my God are going to be ok, even better than OK -
In the months - and early years after my divorce, I was often warned about jumping into a new relationship too soon... or falling for someone just to fill the void rather than someone who was really right for me.
More than a decade later, and having met a wonderful person that I'm beginning to get to know, one might think I followed that advice to the letter and now I'm Sooper Genius Kung Fu Master of Life <tm>.... LOL.
The truth is, mere _minutes_ after I broke up with my wife, I would have rushed into the waiting arms of anyone who had them open. I was philosophical and worked my program and gave lip service to the idea of waiting to heal, but deep down - and not well disguised - I craved for that awful hole to be filled. Now now now. I really feel the only reason I didn't get sucked into one or more bad, short-term relationships was because this wacky, eccentric personality I have that makes me the exact opposite of the AA clubhouse wolfie, is actually a gift from God. I dreamed and schemed and watched others around me "getting some", while I struck out after the opening move time and time again. I knew - in my head - I wasn't ready. Just like it's possible to know you're an alcoholic, and take a drink anyway. I wanted it... I would have taken it in almost any form, but it wasn't in the cards.
For that I'm grateful. I know it sounds strange but - being single all these years, I have put many wonderful people in my life. MANY. When I was married (even after I was sober), my life was very narrow, and who I did things with was dictated by family. My family is now, literally, all over the world. This is even more evident now, as my new girlfriend is introduced to my friends and family - and she sees what good people they are. She says it tells a lot about me... and it does. In my first marriage, it felt like I traded in my entire existence for sex, companionship, and a family to call my own. When that was taken away from me, I had to start all over again at building something to call a life... thanks to AA and Alanon, I had a good start, but there was much more to it. Now that life is something I can bring to my new relationship - to enhance it - not as a trade-in.
I know the old adage about any port in a storm, but there is a great deal to be learned from being adrift at sea by yourself. And those of you who have been there will know -- even when you are at last rescued, on dry land... you sometimes imagine you're back out there - nothing but the water and the stars. Not so much about wanting to be alone, but simply recalling the experience and the strength gained from it - which will be forever at your disposal when you need it.
Well, you did tell him you couldn't be more than friends, right? And I. too. would be careful about it going further than that. Why leave the first A whom you love just to get into another one now that you know what recovery is about? I know that after all I've been through with my A, I can't imagine getting involved with another one. My A is in AA and trying to work the program as he learns it and so am I. We've been married a long time and I'm not truly ready to bail out. We're each trying to get our own selves together. But I know how you must be feeling, girlfriend. Sometimes you just want a man. For the companionship, talking, warm arms, sex, everything. I've imagined not wasting too much on talk and hopping into sack as soon as possible - LOL LOL LOL!!! However, in reality I couldn't do it like that again even if I desperately wanted to. I was just hungry for love after my 1st marriage and went smack into this relationship with my present A. I think that if you are in recovery, you will be able to get over the hump. Be careful of what you do with whom and why. And remember, too, that good things do happen........jaja
However, based on the information that you shared about this guy--that he is an A + a felon + he lied about being a felon, I am seriously concerned about your safety and sanity if you pursue a relationship with him, even if it is "just a friendship". Opening yourself up to this guy, especially after you broke off the date and told him you would no longer talk to him, may suggest to him that you do not mean what you say when you say it. And, since you've been feeling lonely + unwanted + unloved recently adding this new guy to the mix may be disasterous or dangerous combination.
An important and essential part of my recovery has been looking very closely at how too often I set a boundary, then break it. Breaking my own boundaries too often gives others in my life an open invitation to wreck havoc in my life. Interestingly, for me, I would invite in the someone who was chaotic into my life and then I would be mad they were there/feel victimized/feel resentful that they were doing what chaotic people do--making a big mess! Talk about insanity!!!
I would encourage you to look closely at what you're telling yourself about this situation. It seems to me that you had taken a firm stand and now have talked yourself into believing that you can "just be friends" with this felon + A. Perhaps you can--not for me to say. But from here, it seems like an incredibly risky proposition. And, who among us, needs that gamble after everything we've been through.
I just recently split up with my A Husband again. After trying for several months to work on our relationship. And that's what I was doing, he wasn't. He left on Friday Mar 16th and everytime we would get into an agument when we were together I was always the first to give in. Since Friday I have spoken to him once and from that conversation I feel we are done. I have not evan tried to pick up the phone to call him... Thanks to Al anon and the other support groups I am in. I feel if he wants this marriage he will show me this time. I am continuing to work on my recovery. It's going to be hard at times but I look forward to the bright future I will have. From the support I now know not to jump into another relationship quickly Good Luck to you
I hear you! I've had 3 numbers given to me, all from sober A's and still I don't call. I want to but fear of getting another A stops me. I think we learn from every experience and people are put into our lives exactly when we need them to be. You are learning from this man something about yourself and the things you do and don't want. Pay attention and then next time you will know something new of what you want, need and deserve. Personally, I had the thought that it might be nice to start "dating" my ex again. Why? I suppose because I know someone else is interested and I am lonley and I haven't learned how NOT to play games. I haven't learned how to have a healthy relationship. Seems like alot of work....LOL! Be careful and good luck.....It's a journey....
HON what are you into? Swimming? hiking? cooking? Call parks and rec and see what is going on, take a class.
find your passion and get into it. You will meet others with like interests. I don't think you need or want him. I think you need and want friends.
You have said you love your ah still. So why not get into what YOU want to do, and take one day at a time, and look beyond the lonliness.
There is so much more to go into than men. Or looking for love in the wrong places. I wish You to give yourself you.
You are quirky and funny, I am sure you are fun to be with. I bet if you took a class in personal development you would be a blast in the room.
there are so many fun things to do to meet people. Even if you just hang out a week end at a week end class.
I love those.
or maybe learn to scuba dive, ski, don't you have kids? I would give about anything to have my little kids again who loved to do everything, hike, go for drives, feed ducks, swim look at mushrooms.
anyway who is carolina?? He is a human who has made some dumb choices. he also has a terrible disease. what affects you effects your kiddo's.
carolina, That's quite a mixed message you're sending. No wonder men don't understand us. Breaking up with him, and then texting AND calling him. Ouch. Sometimes it's okay not to explain our actions. When we are being protective of ourselves, that's a good reason. You made a sound choice, and now are doubting yourself. "Say what you mean, mean what you say, but don't say it mean." The cool thing, is that if you need connection, hugs, communication, to shift it over to an alanon meeting, call an alanon contact, use the resources.
I posted about H.A.L.T. Am I hungry? Am I angry? Am I lonely? Am I tired? You might consider making a list of healthy things you can do when you feel hungry, angry, lonely, tired, and refer back to it. Like, when you were feeling lonely, you had a choice to call him or you could also look at a list of things to do that would make you feel wanted and connected, and choose one (or all) of those to do. Just an idea. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Breaking up with him, and then texting AND calling him. Ouch.