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He walked into my daughters room (she is 8) and starts complaining about her shoes being in the way in her bedroom. She says they are on the floor. So this grown man then takes her papers from her dresser and her blanket and throws them on the floor and then tells her to pick it up. She tells him no.
He then tells her to pick up her stuff in the bathroom, so she goes to do that. I then hear her say let me go. So, I go to the bathroom and there he is trying to pin her up against the bathtub so she can't leave the bathroom. I tell him to let her go, he does then goes into our bedroom. He is upset with me because I stepped in, that she does not listen to him, blah, blah, blah. same, same, same.
I was talking with my daughter this morning on the way to school, she then told me before I came in the bathroom, he had her "squished" up against the window frame so she could not walk out.
She had picked her toys up...so why is he doing this crap?? It is not the frist time, but he always tells me that there is nothing wrong with what he is doing, that I am the one over reacting...once again.
I think what he is doing is wrong, and it is scaring my daughter. I am really thinking about getting a restraining order and getting him out of this house. I feel I need to protect her....that years from now, I don't want her coming to me and saying......WHY didn't you do something to protect me....or having her thinking that it is OK to treat her that way.....please any thoughts??????
Nope I don't think you are over-reacting...What he is doing is being a Bully....He is terrorising your child...And the effects of that will, stay with her her whole lifetime......No-one has the right, to put their hands on a child...In such a brutal manner.....Children are so innocent in this world........Also you hear a lot of heartbreaking stories that...."My mum didn't believe me"....
So If you have witnessed this, and as a mother you have an instinct......Your daughter is your one and only priority.....She relies on you, to love her, and keep her safe at all times...
Eight years old...Is still very young, to understand an adults actions.....
So I would say...."PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE", go with your gut feeling....
Children are TOO PRECIOUS.... And what they learn in there childhood....Sets them up for the adult they will one day become.....
So In my response to your question...NO your are absoulutely right......
You are responsible for your daughters safety....
Do what you feel is right... And feel NO guilt at doing it....
Love and best wishes to you......We are always here for you
You better believe u need to protect her , who else can she count on but her mom? some A's are just bullies and cowards and abuse of any kind is totally unexceptable . Please find meetigns for yourself and learn to set healthy boundaries for your relationship , pass on what your learning to your daughter . One healthy parent is better than none . good luck Louise
This seems to me to be out of line, too. More importantly, it bothers YOU.
So, take a reality check. Is she an out of control kid? Are you in the principal's office twice a week because she is in serious trouble? Are your days filled with her disobediance and willfullness? If none of this is true, and she is just a normal kid - mostly good, sometimes not - then you know that your parenting instincts are good. Therefore, if something strikes you as way out of line, it IS. Trust your gut - you know her and love her, and you are her protection from the world. I get the impression that he is not her dad - if you feel that he is abusing her, you have every right (and duty) to kick him to the curb.
Now, just in case she IS a behavioural problem, it does not mean that his methods would be OK. Even if you were way too lenient, and she was out of control, what she would need would be a firm and steady hand, not arbitrary abuse. In fact, if she is troubled and acting out, his methods are even more harmful - she needs consistent and loving boundaries, not this erratic violence.
I'm a chld care professional, who has raised two kids of my own in an alcoholic home. To me, this would be unacceptable, especially since he is not just occasionally 'losing it' which can happen to the best of us, but is instead justifying his actions.
thank you all for your help, and I agree with what you are all saying. No, she is not a out of control eight year old, she is loving and kind...but at times (is with any other 8 yr old) she likes to challange her boundries.
Yes, he is her real father and of course this happened when he was drinking...and YES, it scared me and I know it is my job to protect her...I am working on a plan as we speak.
The reason I posted this, and I am sure you can all understand is that when we have been told so many times by the AH's that we are the ones off kilter....you start to believe it sometimes...but yes, everything is telling me this is wrong and I am worried about him being with him. thanks so much.
If this were a babysitter or your a's friend what would you do? It makes NO difference that this is her bio father.
This is child abuse. If she tells her teacher, a counselor, or anyone in the school system, the proper authorities will be called, I guarantee it. If I were you I would call the police and get a R order asap.
If you don't, and the word gets out, you both could lose her.Him for doing it, you for not reporting it and protecting her.
I see you are doing something, good for you!! You are 100% justified to protect your daughter and YOU from his disease. Remember if they abuse a person, they will kill them. The boundary is gone. He could push her down the stairs, he may be drunk and it could be an accident. But it kills/hurts the same.
My mother watched me like a hawk. I sure appreciate that. Do you know one in three women have been abused? Probably more.
If we allow it to happen to our kids, it becomes a familiar situation. So if she is abused by her boyfriend or husband... so what, it is part of life.PLEASE cont. with what you are doing.
Tell her of course it is wrong of him to do this and there is NO excuse. Daddy is very sick, and I will protect you. Make it clear no matter what ANYONE tells her, she has to tell you what she needs to.
keep strong, keep coming back. sooo glad you came here and shared. love,debilyn
I would suggest that you ask your daughter to show you exactly what he did when he "squished" her. Children use words that they can relate to when they know that something is wrong but are not quite sure what. Remember, you came into the bathroom after you heard her say "let me go".
You are not over reacting at all. She is only eight. Never leave her alone with this man, follow your instincts, you are right. Do not let this man convince you otherwise.
Once, my husband while drunk poked my daughter, then 13, in the cheek- all I did was stand, but my dog must have sensed my urgency to do something and he lunged at my AH growling and barking and the teeth were bared, my Ah backed out of the room and the dog would not let him back in. Let me tell you, this dog is the calmest, most placid friendly, show the robbers where the jewelery is dog you will ever meet, but the instinct to protect is there. Same with mothers, God gave it to us to protect our children when our heart and brain won't.
thank you all so much for the help. yes, what he is doing is wrong and I certainly don't want my daughter to think it is OK to be treated like this...I don't want to be 10 years down the road and she has a boy friend who abuses her because she thinks it's ok...I am so afraid of the doing this...but know what has to be done...I pray for courage and strength. You guys just helped me to see things a bit more clear.
One thing I have learned in the last couple years is that "I don't over re-act" "I don't blow things out of porportion" "I don't imagine things" Believe your gut feeling....believe in yourself. Hang in there. Hugs Mar
I know you are going to do the right thing here...everyone has responded so correctly. I do have to say, this story hit home.
My father, not A but the child of an A, was a bully when I was a kid and at times, it still comes out in him. He tried that crap on my own 11 year old daughter several weeks ago and I flipped...right in front of her. He wasn't even physical...just verbally intimidating. My mom was there and she took my side. After my father apoligized...to my daughter and me...I let it go. BUT after he left the room, my mom said, "I'm not putting up with that anymore"...and I replied "what a shame you put up with it then"....and at 41 years old, I still remember my mom not protecting me. I continue to struggle with relationships and accepting poor behavior from men. But I'm learning through this program.
Our current spouses may not be in our spouses forever, but be assured, our children will always be our children. They deserve their mom's protection.
thank you so much kicky...you post really touched me...I don't want to be one of those women...and I don't want my daughter to think it's ok to be treated like that...I know it is up to me to break the cycle....or it will continue...I have seen it and read about and your post reminded me of it...thank you!!
I agree kicky are children are ours forever. The same with my dad i remember one time when my dad was drunk (so many times) but one time in general i had braces and i was about 13 and he didn't like what i said and he squeezed my checks so hard that the imprint of my braces where on the outside of my face, and my mom didn't do anything, i don't know maybe back in our day things were just different, but i have never forgot the things he did when he was drinking. Even when my children got older and went to his house (which he lived right by us) i told them if grandpa is drinking come home and sure enough they did because he was so hateful they never had that much to do with him again and now they are grown and he doesn't drink anymore, it ruined alot of relationships. but i just wish my mom was still alive so i could ask her why she put us thru it.
I'm not sure what actions are available. I know that now, if a man does one thing that's illegal, I dial 911 and press charges. I'm not sure if pinning your own kid is assault in your state or if he has to actually hit her to get arrested. I haven't heard very good things about restraining orders. I do know that I got blamed by police for not arresting him sooner, and for staying in the home - wow.
I just wanted to let everyone know that after talking with the courts they would not issue a restraining order. Didn't feel that it met the "requirements" here. I am so angry I don't know what to do, but, yet I am so confused. I know there are others how have gone through this and please I am hoping that you will share with me your stories. When things like this happen and I am so upset and think I can handle this anymore...when I see him not when he has not drank...(which is not very often anymore) I think maybe it is all me!!!!!!!
I can't stand that feeling, he tells me that I should go to counseling and work it out my life issues and then it will be fine...WHAT THE HECK does that mean!!!!!
I feel like such a fool, a terrible mother and person, I can't seem to grow a back bone...I keep flip/flopping back and forth on what else I can do.....it hurts me so much when he acts like he could care less what I do.....maybe it's not a act.
But, tell me this...is it normal for someone to hide booze bottles, drink at 7AM...drink a bottle of whiskey a day????????????? If so, please tell me...because then I will beleive that someone this is MY problem.
Sorry...for the ramble...I am so, so upset with myself and this whole thing called a marriage.
